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I thought I recovered from HIM

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#1 Oct 8 - 11PM
2heal
2heal's picture

I thought I recovered from HIM

I was so done, I have been feeling great going on with my life. I reconciled with my true soulmate and things are really good. A life people would envy.Although, I don't think my sex life will ever be the same. It was very amazing with my N. He definitely used the sex to seal the deal, to glue me, to bonded me to him. I was so excited I was over him. I was breathing again and starting to make plans for my future with my family. I am laughing again, singing, listening to music, going out, enjoying the beautiful life. No financial worries, no real stress, lots of people around me, lots of love in my life.

So WTF ? I have not spoken to him in over 60 days, his last text was 3 weeks ago (i did not respond). I have no CD left, I get it.
I totally understand disordered.I would never go back to him and those feeling of anxiety and distress. I was always suspicious that there were other women in his life and that they were NOT just his friends (and I was right). I uncovered them one by one. I understand the game plan, on my way out he was already working on my replacement and I knew who she was.
I MISS HIM !! Tonight I miss him. Where does that put me in recovery ? I really thought I was on track. I hate this, I didn't want this feeling to ever come back but it's here. If he contacted me today, I actually think I would fall into it. Of course with every ounce of my being I would fight it and at the end I would know better. The pain of resisting an encounter with him would be excruciating but I know the necessary rule, NC. I have come too far. So where is this in my recovery ? when does this go away forever. I hate this, I hate him !!! Is this something I will need to endure for the rest of my life ? Please tell me so I can prepare myself. I don't want to miss him. How does one get over that ? or do I deal with this as long as I am living ? If anyone has passed this please tell me it is only a phase. I have come too far to be here...Ugh ugh ugh !!! thank you for listening. This needed to get out.

Oct 9 - 8PM
Winter
Winter's picture

2heal

I agree with people who answered you. The process is not linear. We just need to aknoledge it and stay quite when the relapses happen. There is also another explanation I think. People and especially women tend to have mood switch. It can be plain hormonal or something can trigger it. Could it be that physical (chimical) reaction in our body produce a bad feeling, like sadness or anxiety for example? Then we try to "attribute" it to "something". We need to put some thoughts on it. And since we got used to experience sadness, emptyness, anxiety in the narc r/ship and because of them, we congnitively make a link between our moody feeling and missing narcs. This is something I've been thinking about. What if at some point of the recovery this sadness has nothing to do with them? You know, people not involved with narcs also experience some blue days. Just a thought. Love Winter
Oct 9 - 12PM
ally2375
ally2375's picture

2Heal

I could have written this post myself a few months ago. I would be doing so well and then one day I would wake up sad. Missing him. I had the same thought you did, "If he contacted me today, I actually think I would fall into it." Thank goodness none of his texts coincided with those moments! I didn't understand what was triggering me and it was very unsettling. I got a text every few weeks for almost a year after I went NC. It probably would have continued indefinitely if I hadn't blocked him. I see now that there was a cycle with these texts. He would send one, I would ignore him, but I would also get a hit of validation that a part of him still "cared". His texts, weird as they were, eased a bit of internal tension. In the days after a text, the tension would start to build again. At about the 3 week point I would find myself missing him, wondering if the last text was REALLY the last. Then another text would come, it would break the tension, I would be able to exhale, and the cycle would start over. Here's what I suggest: block his number from text. You may be caught in the same cycle I was. This process requires that we take our emotional temperature from time to time and adjust as necessary. You won't have to endure this your whole life and you're not failing in your recovery. This is just a bump. It'll be okay. :) ~Ally
Oct 9 - 8PM (Reply to #7)
Winter
Winter's picture

Oh Ally!

Are you im my mind? How do you know and express so well what I am going through? And you described it with so much clarity. You know, when sometimes you feel things, but you don't understand and then you read an explanation and you are just amazed how well it fit your experience? This is what I felt reading your post. Hmmm... You just gave me another boost. Thank you, Winter
Oct 9 - 10AM
onwithmylife
onwithmylife's picture

My observations 2 Heal

It has taken me over 2 pus years to heal and recover from the narc, you are lucky to have found a soulmate, I have no one, realize it will take time and count your lucky stars you got away and have a man who really .loves you, I envy you.....count your lucky stars..........
Oct 9 - 9AM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

When a loved one dies you

When a loved one dies you always miss them!! It's normal!! I have the same feeling,from time to time, but you can't resurrect the dead! Hunter
Oct 9 - 3AM
Sea
Sea's picture

It does get better

Your recovery is not linear you might go bk n froth the stages. I do also. Dont beat yourself up. Give the NC time to work. The longer u are out the stronger u are and able to resist. I was in a very bad shape at the beginning, scared, missing him, pain, wounded and of cos v weak! I work through all these, reading alot and asking for help and support here in this forum. 9 weeks out, 2 days back i get hourly interval calls from prankster, could be the N. Weeks go i would have pkup the call or text N back. But no i just let it runs its course till it stops. NC works but we need to give time for it to work. The mods and senior members here have reach the stage of indifference. We can too by keeping to NC. Dont worry what tricks the N would use. Ignore them, there's nothing they can do. Eventually they will go away chasing other NS.
Oct 9 - 1AM
outOFtheFOG13
outOFtheFOG13's picture

I am new to this message

I am new to this message board. but i feel the same as you do and i am afraid that even though i know "HE" is a false person, I am afraid I cannot get past this. when he finds a way to contact me, he seems so true. but he only wants the satisfaction of my response. it is all he needs to keep him going for a while. resisting them is only half the battle, and it is a hard battle to win. they manipulate to a degree that most people are not even capable of. once we realize they are false, how do we move forward? I am having a really hard time. I have come to terms with the lies and deceipt but the damage is done and I am not sure where to go from here.
Oct 9 - 10AM (Reply to #2)
2heal
2heal's picture

TWO OPTIONS

Today, I know what I know......With all that I have going for me it really is crazy to allow him an ounce of my brain time or energy. There must be more work I need to do within me. I am trusting that this shall pass, as I have been on this forum long enough to see others working through the different stages. I do want to encourage the NC rule for everyone because in the beginning I did not think it was necessary to cut someone off like that (empathy..ugh) "We could at least be friends", I thought.(WRONG) Their weapon is their mouth, their words spoken. I couldn't keep that door open, if I wanted to break away. I so agree with you about the damage done, there are days I am so angry that my innocence was ripped out of me without my permission and then I am thankful for the experience cuz I am no longer naive, I have more certainty in my life, I am a better parent, better friend,better co-worker, a stronger person as I have more awareness today. Last night I started planning and setting new goals for myself in efforts to steer my thoughts away from missing him and begin to put the focus back on me. I get busy with the excitement of new ventures and goals to be reached. I get preoccupied with better things than to be thinking of him. There are days of indifference. I guess this is part of the process. This forum has been invaluable, as I never feel alone in the various stages. What you said in your post " he only wants the satisfaction of my response" SOOO TRUE !!! This is the core reason why my NC has been successful for 60 days. I NEVER WANT TO GIVE HIM THE SATISFACTION. I learned here that even a negative response feeds these lunatics. SO NO RESPONSE FROM ME !!! I hope he ROTS in hell. Today, is a new day let us take our next step forward and work towards indifference. I cannot wait for this to be forever behind me. Hugs to everyone healing, my heart goes out to each and every victim that does not understand the magnitude of damage caused by staying with a narc/sociopath/psychopath. Staying on the path forward.