I think.....

I went into a deeper depression when the doctor told me I was suffering from depression. lol

So I have read a few books these last few days and I must say I totally agree with the doctor. I read about the different treatments concerning depression. So I am good to go now, my meds will be coming in this week so I will be starting them. This was a huge step for me, it felt like I wasn't strong enough to deal with this. As I began to read about how trauma affects the brain and how rewiring is needed to change the brain thinking patterns, I know I have a lot of work ahead of me. I have taken steps in that area with positive affirmations, postive selftalk, and tapping. I have done semi-well without the meds but had begun to fight some heavier depression that was leaving me immoblie. My goal is to aim for a least 6 months, then longer if needed while I deal with the trauma from my past.

I am in desperate need for a job, and am having trouble finding one. Which is not helping how I feel about myself. For those of you that pray or shed light, please lift me up in this area.

For those of you dealing with depression, one great little book I read is called, "Get it Done When You're Depressed." by Julie A. Fast. It's just a simple book with small helpful tips. It helped to me in small ways, to get moving.

As far as the ex-narc, still angry, not a place of indifference, yet. I no longer feel any need to contact him. Which is surprising, because he owes me money and I am in such a tight place. I wrestled with this issue for such a long time. I no longer hope I that I might run into him, or so that maybe I could say some last words to him. I have stayed Nc over 70 days, those things were still in my heart, till recently. That feels good to me, that I no longer have CD in that area.

In one of my sessions with Goldie, she told in order to really heal. You need to spent at least an hour or two a day and do the work. At first, this was easy, then it became hard as I continue to do it. I cannot take what I went through lightly or put another bandaid on this situation. (as I have done in the past) I am determine to find my real self, and enjoy the parts of her as I do.

Much love to all of you, I never could have come this far without all of you.\

xoxo
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