I slipped up

I knew that I would.

I feel like I have to confess because right now I feel like a kid that keeps going in the cookie jar when moms away.

I'm posting this because I have kept an account of my interactions with the N on here and as a result I can see so clearly how the manipulation all works.

I know this may seem strange but it's almost like when people tell stories of near death experiences and they are looking down and can see it all happening. I am now more aware. So in a way I think I have gained a lot of knowledge being here.

Anyway, if you have read my posts, you know that I deliver packages to my N's work almost on a daily basis. I've done really well at keeping my mouth shut but it is such an effort and it is very unnatural for me.

I think you guys might find this interesting because only you would understand the true implications of what I did.

Here is how it went down:

I went into his work and I was in a really good mood kind of a TGIF thing.

I walked right past the co worker I could've gotten to sign for the package and into the N's office to have him sign.
Why? Why? Why?

Instant gratification for him. This was a victory for him. As he was signing I didn't say anything but I could see the corners of his mouth rise and that he was holding back a sheepish grin.

Then he said, "What?", hoping I would crack, but I recognized it this time as a ploy to get me to make any kind of comment that would start things up again. I realize that is always what I have done in the past.

The good news is I didn't. I just said, "Have a nice day." and walked out.

What happens next is what makes me realize just how aware he was of my mistake.

On my way out of the building I stopped for a minute to talk to the co worker about the weekend.

They work in a garage so it is just one big open building there are no hallways.

Apparently the box I delivered had a return label in it for another package that needed to be sent out.

As I was talking to the other guy the N instead of coming out and just giving me the return package as I am talking , went around, outside the building, to my truck with it.

So when I leave to go to my truck, there he is taping up the box on the steps into my truck.

This is when I had the "outer body" experience.

I got into my truck and sat in the drivers seat while he was taping it up.

It was so clear to me that I had opened the door a crack and he was thinking the two of us being there alone was just another opportunity to get me to crack, that I would certainly make a plea for his attention. I realized that he didn't say anything. He was just there waiting for me to start begging.

I didn't. I would've before not realizing what I was doing.

I hope this is interesting to you because for those of us trying to get out of this cycle of abuse and don't understand why we keep doing it I think it's all right there in front of our eyes if we just open them wide enough.

I really am trying and I can't believe how difficult it is to stop. I broke NC. Not by texting or calling, all it took was walking past that one worker and being alone with him for two minutes.

Unbelievable.