I really feel like shit

15 posts / 0 new

#1 Sep 6 - 9AM

OneoftheEXs

I really feel like shit

Guys, I'm really forcing myself to just get over it and remember who he is.. but i really feel like shit. One contact with him and i feel like I'm the bad one, i was so angry at what he did to me I can't even look at him, and him acting so innocent. Yes, I made it clear I was angry but who wouldn't? He left his family me for an OW who was nasty to me and the topping on the cake is they now live together while me and his daughter are alone.

I know I should be fine, he is not worth it, he is disordered, he never treated me right, he cheated on me, i deserve better, but whatever act he put up to make me feel like he was the one for me really was fucking believeable.

I feel like treating him badly because I was angry made him just reconfirm that it was the best thing he did replacing me. But how could I not be angry???

This is my third post since he left yesteday can you believe it? His visit to his daughter obviously affected me so much that I feel so anxious.

Now I understand everyone here who writes about being NC and then BOOM!! one contact and it gets them down so low.

#2 Sep 7 - 12AM

Jelickuk

I just identify so much. Your

I just identify so much. Your story is my story. After 18 months I m still shocked but the hurt is less. It's so hard when children are involved. He seems to seep in through them and it sends me crazy. Keep posting, sharing, Yours is a normal healthy reaction to an abnormal unhealthy person. Of course you are ngey, I am raging. You aren't alone

#3 Sep 6 - 12PM

Sparrow

You are not lying to

You are not lying to yourself, you are trying to make sense of all of this. It is hard at times to wrap your head around. Can become very overwhelming........don't be so hard on yourself. You are taking all the right steps needed to heal from this vicious attack on your soul.....be kind to yourself. Stay strong!

#4 Sep 6 - 11AM

Used

Oneofhisexs

yes their talk is cheap...their actions say who they are.. their actions show how little they value us as human beigns...well ok lets value ourselves as human beigns...at least we can trust us.....

#5 Sep 6 - 11AM

Done sourcing

No need to keep score

No need to keep score here...when we fall we pick ourselves up and start over. It hurts that the narcs are so good at their games and play them so well. Might as well talk to a wall as to a narc. When a person will lie, and then justify the lie later, and feel no remorse, what rules apply? The answer is none. And that is the central issue....these narcs lie without even thinking about it. And then justify with nonsense. It is truly first grade all over again. NC is the only safety and sanity, anything else will keep the craziness alive. ds

#6 Sep 6 - 11AM (Reply to #11)

OneoftheEXs

Might as well talk to a wall as to a narc.

This is was exactly what I told my mother when the exN told her he he wanted to speak to me. My mother said, not now. He told me he want to say so many things to me but i refused to talk, I told him, we did talk, have talked many times but talking doesn't change anything, we are still where we are, which is separated and a broken family. I really just need to wish him well with his OW, for my sanity, and so I can let him go and accept this, i have to let him go so i can let my anger go AND KEEP MY SANITY. I need to let this go. Hunter was right when she said "he killed your fantasy", fantasy that he himself promised me. But it was fantasy, it was a lie. Talk is cheap, action is priceless.

#7 Sep 6 - 10AM

Sparrow

It's ok...........it really

It's ok...........it really is. We all slip and go through this. You are not alone! Just remember all the rotten things he has done, right down to leaving you and his daughter. They don't care about anyone or anything, just themselves. And as far as the convincing that the are sincere and the greatest......they could all win a Academy Award! Start over, no shame in that what so ever. Live and learn from the mistakes we make and continue to forge forward. We have to. Don't let him win. Good luck!

#8 Sep 6 - 10AM

Hunter

One

It is what it is!! Sucks, I know, you are making progress, you understand the Devil! The next step is acceptance!! You're halfway home! Send the OW a thank you note! Be strong Hunter

#9 Sep 6 - 10AM (Reply to #2)

OneoftheEXs

Right about acceptance

You are right about acceptance, the only way that kept me happy and surviving is the fact that I avoided him and forget about them. I am afraid im just running... i dont have a freakin choice but to deal with them, eventually i have to. I have to accept this.. it is what it is you're right. Shit! OK fine.. i wish them well, im in a better place, it is for the best... blah blah.. I just have to keep saying it, i wish them well, it is what it is, and i am in a better place, PS. don't forget to send a thank you note to the OW. I'm going to have a heart attack!! I'm becoming a Narc by doing this, i'm lying to myself and masking my pain! What do i do??

#10 Sep 6 - 1PM (Reply to #8)

Hunter

One

Feel the pain it's part if moving forward! Spinning spot on! This OW is in for a ride! Shes in your out, and be prepared for the return of MR. Nice guy! All this is complete insanity! It takes time but you'll get to the finish line! Hunter

#11 Sep 6 - 11AM (Reply to #3)

spinning

One of the Ex's,

keep getting it out. You're allowed to be ANGRY and you're allowed to be HURT by all the BS, lies, manipulations and crap you have to face through having a child with him. Get it out HERE! Scream and yell at the walls in your house. Go dig a hole in your yard, burn his photos, whatever it takes (I say this because these are things I did, including stacked wood!). You do not have to mask your pain. You have to feel it and go through it. If you feel bad that you have shown him your anger and pain then work on getting it out elsewhere before you have to see him. You don't have to wish him well. You don't owe him anything. You have every right to be mad as hell, One of the Ex's, it's normal. But you have to examine the source of your anger, get it out and let it go. Raging at him won't help, it will be lost and also it is supply. Even negative supply is supply and he doesn't deserve another ounce from you. I hope this helps, One. It is a process and you are doing very well. Keep getting it out. Don't let that freak and what he's done and whoever he's with define you. Who cares what he thinks? Hugs to you, braveheart. Keep going through it. It will get better. Most sincerely, (fighting to never again be) spinning. THE SICK FREAK ISN'T WORTH IT!

spinning

#12 Sep 6 - 3PM (Reply to #4)

OneoftheEXs

Energy wiped out..

Spinning, I appreciate your compassion and all the other women/men who sent me comments. I am so tired..... he took all of my energy. I am not a bad person and what he did to me really fucked me up and I react badly cause the pain he caused me has not yet healed. I don't like being rude, and I feel guilty if someone feels bad. I feel like I made him feel bad on his visit and now I feel bad for doing it. When in fact, he deserve to be ignored when he ignored me when I was sick when he was already with the OW. I try to avoid being affected by him but I still am... I am so tired!

#13 Sep 6 - 4PM (Reply to #7)

Done sourcing

I so know the feeling of the

I so know the feeling of the energy drain. I moved out July 2010, because I was drained to the point of feeling the lifeforce leaving. No human being is worth losing the priceless gift of santity over. Find a power to tap into to re-fill, and find a way to create a bubble of protection between you and the narc. Give them nothing, and know you are forgiven when you miss the mark. We all make mistakes, and that is ok. We don't keep score here. We support each other here. It is crazy how lost we get in these freaks, so so crazy. One step at a time we move away and forward. Sharing our experiences, mistakes and successes, and giving hope and faith to each other. They shit all over us, and we feel guilty for any act of self defense. For any action that we take in the name of liberation, we feel bad when they dont like it. It gets complicated when we feel bad no matter what we do. It is important in these cases to remember that they are disordered, and that the only closure comes from us in the name of nc. Just the other night I blasted the narc in person, and beat myself up for it mercilessly. I then was wanting to send an email blasting her some more. I posted it here and let the emotional me calm down while you guys posted on my thread about my desire to blast her. I got the sanity and level headedness that I needed...the same sanity I have shared with many of you over these past months. I am proof that healing from this crap is a process, and that growth and change is not constant or reliable. It is about working today in reality, identifying the insanity and make believe, and carrying on. Every time I have contact it opens the scab. My anger isnt gone yet, and now I accept that fact. I admit it to you all, but I dont want to feed it. ds

#14 Sep 6 - 4PM (Reply to #5)

spinning

One of the Exs, I know

the utter exhaustion this creates. I experienced it, and still do to some degree. I am so very lucky I do not have to interact with the disordered one who totally duped me. And as for the feeling bad about making someone feel bad, I know this, too. It's hard when you are a good person, a nice person who likes to be kind ...but as my sister used to tell me with the disordered one "NICE DOESN'T WORK WITH SOME PEOPLE." One, please try to go easy on yourself. It's okay to be angry. What happened to you SUCKS HUGELY!! It was your life...of course it will affect you for a long time. But I do want to add that the more you get it out and work through it, the more it will be left behind. The smaller it will get. Believe me. In the meantime, try to focus on all of your good qualities, the things that make you who you are and the things that make you happy and feel good and smile. One, you are a bright and funny person and you posted something on another thread that really made my day about how posting on here is like having all sorts of therapists who have degrees from the University of Experience...that's so AWESEOME and so nice and true. It lifted me up like you wouldn't believe! Please remember who you are! It's wonderful, funny and nice! Don't let the sick M'fer define you!! Hugs and good vibes for peace of mind from, (determined to never again be) spinning. THE SICK FREAK IS NOT WORTH THE ENERGY!

spinning

#15 Sep 6 - 4PM (Reply to #6)

OneoftheEXs

I get so emotional with your comments!

Spinning, your compassion goes beyond virtual, I can feel your words in my heart and reading it in the office makes me tear up! pheww! You saw who I really me when I made the comment about therapist from the University of experience, it's before this dark cloud of Narcness is upon me, I am very impressed you remembered it. I was sending out positive vibes because at that time I felt I was starting to heal (this is before his visit this weekend) and I felt good and I want to help others to get through their pain. Now I am the one in pain, I am thankful to you and to everyone who take their time to help others.

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