I ran here

I ran here again today. Because thoughts of him still intrude. It is the blame. I cannot fully let go because then I will have to live in this limbo of blame for the rest of my life. He blames me he twisted it all he created a monster I became abusive in my reactions to his behaviour and I own that..and get the bonus of blaming myself also, because of it. I have torn it all inside out upside down and every which way imaginable and the facts remain..
that he respected OW I saw it with my own eyes. He did respect her . Always. Always had time for her.
She had no reason to doubt him or to throw him out of her life. He showed her with his actions what she meant to him.
But not me. Not ever. For all of his words of how much I meant to him he did not ever show it. No he ignored and avoided me instead.
I did what any self respecting person would have done, by removing him from my life.
I am tired I am just so tired and get migraines can't sleep properly eating patterns are all over the place
and I am just so tired.
Because I know that he blames me. For something that HE did !
I cannot deal with feeling this way anymore I cannot deal with taking blame he set me up to fail. There was nothing I could have done differently unless I became the ultimate doormat and just sat by and watched while he flaunted OW in my face always.
wtf????
I want to break NC. I need him to see what I see. I need him to know that I had no choice other than to lose all respect in myself. I had no choice but to remove him from my life for the sake of my sanity.
But this is not sanity.
This is me and my my and this is me believing that I screwed up with the person who I loved the most. This is me despising myself for who I had become and this is me taking blame for something that ultimately, the result any which way I turned, was lose.