I pose a question......

oh my gosh, lol! where can i start? I'll try. - get rid of his cocain habit - forget his porno forever - quit the bullshit about being more comfortable with FEMALE friends, FEMALE counselors,etc - suddenly become passionate about me and physically desire me (i mean, call me crazy but i want a partner thats actually attracted to me!) - if he would stop coming against everything i say and stop going out of his way to NOT connect with me - stop invalidating me all the time - somehow become honest - be interested in me as a person and getting to know me - care about my feelings - be committed to me - i become a high priority - He should miss me alot more when he doesnt see me, care enough to give to the relationship, respect me, love me Heres what i wanted. I never complained that he didnt have a job for a long time and had to live in facilities for a while to "get it together". I never expected him to buy me fancy stupid things or give me a white picket fence and bla bla bla.... All i wanted was for him to be crazy about me! To be honest and in this relationship TOGETHER on the same page, not feeling like Im blindfolded on a carival ride! He was suppose to CARE and BE HERE for me, not just his body being present, but emotionally, etc. There was always a feeling that "he was in charge" and a constant under-current of secrecy and UN-cooperation. I wasnt demanding at all but damm! I had NOTHING from him after a while exept bad times and stress. No emotional connection, no physical intimacy, no emotional intimacy, no idea when he was lying or when he wasnt,no affection hardly, no validation, no listening ear or interest in me.......nada. oh p.s.---- I forgot to mention holidays. It wouldve been nice if he would have spent Christmas Eve and Christmas with me like he said he would, insteas of disappearing to get high...and it wouldve been nice if he wouldve used the $ his mom gave him to take me out for valentines---to take me out for valentines (not on himself). And it wouldve been really awsome if he wouldve showed support during my dad's death and funeral time, instead of jumping at a chance to be cold. If i could take all his behvaiors and turn them around to be opposites, he just might pass.

He would have to stop being a Narc, and we all know that's just not going to happen. Stay strong Suzie

I was lamenting this earlier this morning, saying to my mother that it was just not FAIR that I met this man and fell in love with him and it has turned out to be the worst thing that ever happened to me (aside from my husband's death). But alas, I know life is not fair. At this point - today - nothing but ER turning into a completely different human being would be the only way for things to work out. He'd have to because the man he is right now despises me. And I cannot forgive him anyway, so I guess even in a fantasy of a perfection I will not succumb.

Not cheat, lie, manipulate, scheme me out of money. . .

Not possible...The ONLY reason Mr. N was with me is because he is a Narc and felt he needed to have girls on the side, so your question is really irrelavent to my situation.

I would have had to continue to endure.... All forms of deceit and gaslighting Self Doubt Constant contradiction of himself through words/action Gaslighting as a cycle and way of life Verbal/emotional abuse No real acknowledgement of that abuse Projecting/mirroring -- him pretending to be the abused party whenever confronted and asked to work through real relationship issues. Withholding, controlling, mindf***ing Weeding through all the lies, even the most ridiculous ones Waiting for the other shoe to drop Emotional coldness and distance Emotional blackmail, being "guilted" for wanting to do things for me, hang with the girls, or even shop by myself without him. Silent Treatment and other head games Manipulation -- and lots of it! Good ole Double Standards -- and lots of them!! Did i mention being lied and gaslighted? Constant instruction by someone who had a need to feel superior to me at all times Wondering whether today i would be graced with his Jekyll persona, or cursed with Mr. Hyde His very negative sick views on women oozing out all over the place, as he shared these views with my impressionable sons Constant checking up on me, suspicions, accusations, scrutinizations, paranoia Wondering, wondering...why so many things with him didn't make sense and living in a constant state of confusion while trying to make sense of everything. Being made to feel like i was the crazy one! Being there for HIS benefit, always having to prove myself to him Being told I wasn't grateful enough Being told I was terrible at handling my finances (I should hand them over to him...) and irresponsible Being made fun of for my spirituality and tree-hugging ways. Being publically embarrassed and humiliated Having to fight so hard all the time for consideration or to be understood, heard, validated Being isolated and compartmentalized Having to pretend as though everything, all of this was "a-okay" and it had no effect on me To be happy within the relationship I would've had to re-write history and ERASE my memory.... of the fact that he hid me for 1 1/2 years from our common "friends", that he told me to pretend publicly we were only casual friends or acquaintances for this long. I was supposed to "Behave" of the fact that he would treat me differently in public than behind closed doors of the fact that he pretended to go to bed and come to find out he was hanging out with so-called mutual friends (girls) setting up for a party in one of his bachelor personas. of the fact that i found out much later he had early on in our relationship been hanging out with this girl, watching movies, eating brownies and god knows what else... all the while hidden of then wondering what else he was hiding/capable of hiding.... of how he went to a halloween party without me, then tells me how he met this cute blonde, and how she then showed up on his facebook, and he then at one of the party's where i was supposed to "behave", he flirted with her, shaking his hips at her during a game of beer pong to "distract" her... as she said,"OOh, you are dis-tract-ing me...." *blink , blink*...all this right in front of me of how through all this time he still kept the truth hidden, not caring of its effects on anybody, only the benefits to him of how he disabled all posting on his facebook when i asked him some innocent questions about who some of the girls were, even the ones who had posted "Happy Valentines" day messages to him (seriously, i just asked him an innocent question, very calmly) of all the things he said about other women (including my one narcissistic sister)to cause triangulation and insecurity of everything he ever did to contribute to the ultimate erosion of trust in our relationship of how much energy and time I put in and reached out to him only to be met with blame and the accusation of how he pretended we were not an item, ignored me and talked to this other girl at a party for almost an hour of the fact that he was still acting differently with me behind closed doors than around our "common friends" and the girl who introduced us even at a new years eve party after a year, wouldn't touch me or kiss me. hmmmmmm..... of all the ways he brutally beat down my spirit and heart without a second thought of how he then acted as though i was somehow wrong in my perceptions, as though this was all conjured up in my imagination or somehow my own fault. TO BE HAPPY WITH HIM.... MY HEART WOULD'VE HAD TO BECOME AT LEAST AS COLD AND HARD IS HIS. It was so so sad that Control to this person was so much more important than Love. This question helps keep it in perspective.... these are things which obviously could never be changed. I have a feeling this list is gonna be very helpful for me to keep moving forward. I will look at it again every time I start wishing again that things "could be different". There's a lot more, and i plan to come back on here later to update as it comes to me. I also plan to use this all in therapy this week. :)

To be happy with him I'd have to consent to: being an utter doormat for the rest of my life; never having another independent thought of my own; taking daily abuse; knowing that nothing we share will ever constitute a loving bond in his mind; giving up any hope that my own needs and desires will be acknowledged or met in any way; that fact that I am subject to being discarded like refuse at any moment; the understanding that I am interchangeable with any object and that I do not exist to him. That's what I would have to do to be "happy" with him, but I can't see that ever being a life of true happiness, not for me.

I am in the in between land now wondering how to get happy again. I don't think exN could ever make me happy after all he put me through but i do not know how to be happy yet in my new life as he DID bring me great joy (and then great pain). Back in the day, I would have been happy if: He had made me a priority and not last behind his guy friends He spent more time with me He integrated me into his family He communicated better He made a special effort for me He was willing to have adventures with me Our world was very small and I can see now very unhealthy... He cannot do any of those things above and i do think my N actually tried in his own lame way (after i pointed out he celebrated everyone's birthdays but mine etc) I think what would make me happy is to wake up and have all these bad feelings and memories permanently erased from my mind (like the Narc I guess!)

Him: Full frontal lobotomy Me: Still NO CONTACT!

Too much has happened with the narc to ever go backwards. I would rather find a new guy to be happy with or stay single and happy.

to be completely and utterly in DENIAL and dellusionville. And even then it's still not true happiness!

Well, I'm not willing to give up what's left of my sanity for that. So here's what I say to your question NC! NC! NC! NC! NC! NC! NC!

Nothing at this point, but if I were on fantasy island, all it would have taken was for him not to cheat, lie and be verbally abusive. All the other shit was just stuff

it would take a lobotomy on part of the narc, so he could magically became the man i first met and gave my love to or maybe a boulder falling on his head for that once ina lifetime epiphany, yeah right...............

what makes US happy. TODAY, I think there is just no happiness to be found with my exN. Really, none. He cannot change one behavior that would cause me to have enough happiness to go back. I would want to feel valued, respected, like a bf, a lover, a teammate, and an equal, but he can't really do the things that promote such feelings. His heart is cold and selfish. His "feelings" are shallow or non-existent. I have never seen the man shed a tear. He never acted like losing me mattered. He says, "Women are a dime a dozen. He can get one any where." His very presence and posture, without a word uttered, gives off an air of arrogance. His breath says "I'm better than you." His look reflects his pious self-image. I know what lurks beneath, and how could I ever be happy knowing the gift-wrapped present is just an empty box?

This is exactly the question that I know longer ask myself. I spent way too much time trying to rearrange myself to find a way to be happy with him. It's not possible. They don't change and even if he somehow magically changed into the man I thought he was, I would only be disrespecting myself for allowing him into my life after all the damage he caused. It's not that I couldn't find a way to live with him, I couldn't live with myself. I hear you, truly I do, but to me, this question only keeps me tied to him. And I choose me. What ifs and if onlys only hinder my healing. They don't change. Period.

his body, and everything in it - transplanted with some non NARC's body... LOL!

Believe or not but I was asked the SAME question by my new psychotherapist yesterday. So he gave me the homework to think about “What would make me feel perfectly happy in this relationship. What are my needs.” And you know what? It is not easy for me to answer this question. I am still thinking. In one sentence I would say “I wanted to feel important for him, for his life.” I think this question is very deep and very relevant. It allows us to think about OUR needs, about OUR deep motivations. This is also the way we bring the focus back on us.

It would take him leaving this country and never bothering me again. But I suspect that's not the kind of answer you're looking for :-) It would take the following: 1) He would need to apologise, profusely and MEAN IT, for all the trouble he's caused. Specifically for two-timing me, blanking me, treating me like a bunny boiler for no reason, then coming back 9 months on as if nothing had happened, then refusing to give me an explanation, and then abusing my forgiving him by playing mind games and finally D&Ding me all over again. 2) He would need to prove to me, over a period of at least a year, that he could behave in a respectful manner. 3) He would also need to prove that he is no longer volatile and unpredictable. 4) He would need to prove he is no longer cold-hearted and callous. 5) He would need to accept that he cannot control people, events, life itself. The odds of him doing those things are billions-to-one.

Well he would have to be NORMAL and since we all know they ARE NOT... I don't want him!And I would not be happy