I need your help, please

16 posts / 0 new

#1 Jul 15 - 2PM

alma25

I need your help, please

I'm new and not new here. For a long time I've been reading your posts and articles and I think it helped me a lot but now I'm stucked and I don't know what to do.I live in Europe and in my country the subject of narcissism is not very well known. I've been reading all the things in english. I haven't shared my story yet.N has been in my life since I remember. He was my school sweetheart. Then we were a couple for two years.First nine months were fantastic. It was like dream come true, I was so happy. There were red flags. He was talking only about himself, how handsome, fantastic and great he is, how all the women love him, desire him, want to be with him, how lucky I am. He was collecting cars, motorcycles.
He had mood swings but the longer it lasted it was worse and worse.
He D&D four times and each time the period between the D&D lasted shorter. He was charming, full of passion and then:Bum: cruel, cold, he was just disappearing and I couldn't even reach him. He had something in his eyes and I knew that this will happen again.
The second year of our relationship was a nightmare. I became a different person. I was nerovous, I didn't know what to expect. I felt so horrible, ugly, not good enough for him.I was trying and trying but it wasn't enough. He expected me to guess his wishes. For last one year he's been writting to me but I didn't respond.
Finally two weeks ago I answered and he hurt me again. Now, as I know, he's got a new girl and even I know, I read all the things, I feel so worthless and I'm wondering what she has got that I don't have. I wonder if they're happy. I was always there for him and with him when his father died and he treated me like a piece of shit.
I cannot forget it. I cannot trust.I feel like in the middle of the hell.I cannot move on. I don't know how to help myself.Therapy doesn't work.I had to write it here.

#2 Jul 19 - 6PM

gettingbetter

hi Alma....

NC is a funny thing...on the positive, it's great to wrack up the days, months and (hopefully) years. On the other side, sliding backwards for me has been almost inevitable and I feel awful afterwards. Narc has been out of my life for almost six months; and the longest I've stayed NC is two of them. Broke down again three weeks ago and tried calling him ... but now it's easier to get back on the wagon. Keep it up. Eventually one week is two and two becomes a month...the longer you go, the more you start to feel sane again. Therapy helps. A lot.

#3 Jul 19 - 2PM

alma25

Girls

I'm really glad I found this site and I can be here every day. It's like my dose of calmness and medicine:) When I feel bad, I just can sit, read, write and I feel better.Today I woke up and thought:it wasn't me, I love and can be loved and what is really important I'm not full of hate, I have never hurt him. Even when I could and had a right to do so after all he did to me. Tigger73,you were so right to delete his friend on FB.I also try to avoid any fom of contact. Your dad is a very wise. He was so right. I remember what my dad told me when exN D&D me for the first time. He knew only a part of what hapenned. He just said: stay away from him. He cannot love.He is like addicted and he will do this to you one more time. And then again and again. He has got a big problem and he is poor but it doesn't mean he has got a right to destroy you. You cannot let him. This is the first time when you must think only about yourself. He was so right. I wish I listened to him. I'm very happy I can share with you my feelings. I hope one day we'll all be very happy. I believe in it.

#4 Jul 18 - 11PM

tigger73

Oh, and another

Oh, and another thing......all the anxiety we victims go thru wondering and crying about whether the next woman will get all of his goodness and he will be differnt, and that will prove it really was us with the problem...........I was crying one day, and my Dad is a man of few words, but his words are true......I said, "I am just so sad. Dad do you think he will move on and be happy with his next girl, (who he is already dating)", and Dad goes, "No Honey, I don't think he will be happy, I KNOW HE WON't BE HAPPY". And friends, if my Dad says it, it's gold. SO there!!!!!!!! There is your guarantee that the bastard won't win. :) They simply DO NOT HAVE IT IN THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!

#5 Jul 18 - 11PM

tigger73

Alma, I am so sorry for how

Alma, I am so sorry for how you feel. I know exactly the anguish and confusion and desperation when you go NC. I took a VERY BIG STEP today with my NC policy. Well, his family is all off of my list of FB friends. BUT, there was one of his friends left that I could check his page and follow my ex husband N and see pics and kind of figure out where the ass was boating and with who......so......I deleted that friend on FB. I have absolutely no access now, i forced myself to do it and this has been the first true day of NC, because I still considered that stalking a form of contact. It has helped me greatly. a few months ago before i left I had never in my life been so depressed anxious, just ready to die. I did have to to start taking an antidepressant, I dont usually take medication and i believe in alternative therapies, even tough Im a rn, BUT, I was so low. If I miss a few days, I feel tears behind my eyes, so I know I must be carrying so much pain still. I HAVE to stay positive and stable for these children. I am thinking of you Alma. It's a raw deal, BUT, we will NEVER make the same mistake twice. I can SMELL a Narc from a mile away and Im not even kidding. I was sitting next to an ass the other night at a cafe, a friends husband, and i could literally feel his Narc energy. I had to move my seat. He even had the dirty looks going and the judging and being all nervous and anxious about the little kids running around. It gave me an anxiety attack. Take care honey.

#6 Jul 18 - 6PM

betty2020

Alma, A big warm welcome and

Alma, A big warm welcome and im so glad you found this site. You have pretty much described my life. I agree with Briseis that if you can find the right therapist it will work wonders. This takes some work. I was recommend to a trauma therapist. She deals with PTSD. However i must admit, I have received the most help here on the forum from other survivors of this abuse. As much as i would like to report differently to you, Our country is no better in accepting or promoting awareness of Narcissism. This is something all of us here are working so hard to change. Its the survivors like yourself that will one day make this a reality and give hope that we can reach the victims that are still out there suffering. Welcome aboard Alma, looking forward to reading you post and insightful wisdom. xoxoxox only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

#7 Jul 15 - 5PM

Briseis

How you feel is completely

How you feel is completely understood! After what you've been through it is normal (if you can believe it) to feel like you can't trust anyone, that you are somehow not "good enough". That's what we all feel like after a relationship with a narc :( You won't feel this badly forever, though. Therapy will help you IF you find the right therapist. It is not so easy to find a therapist who understands what happens to us after a narc. I found being on these forums more helpful than therapy, actually. Please do all the reading and educating yourself about NPD you can. The more you understand that he is disturbed, the more you will realize you did nothing wrong. You gave him everything you could, and he still took a crap on you. It's not because you aren't good enough. It's because he is a NARC. They crap on everyone. He will crap on his new victim, I mean, girlfriend. I promise you that. Narc's can't treat people with love and decency, they aren't capable of it. They can pretend and mimic loving behavior enough to fool the smartest people. But it is FAKE. You are worthy of love and respect. The only mistake you made was trying to get it from a narc. It's not your fault. There are very trustworthy men and women out there. After having a narc in your life, you will learn to avoid them in the future. That is the blessing. You don't ever have to be victimized again. You'll feel stronger and better than you did before the narc, because you will listen to your gut instincts and feel confident in your ability to run the other way! For now, there's a lot of pain :( Share it here, get it out of you, you are not alone.

#8 Jul 15 - 11PM (Reply to #5)

alma25

Thank you for all your support

Thank you for all your support.It means a lot to me. I feel like I have a tropical disease which I cannot understand, I cannot find the cure. It's somewhere very deep in me.Inside and it hurts. I was thinking a lot and I realised that for the last one year I wasn't maintaining a real NC. I wasn't seeing him, I wasn't responding to his messages but I was doing all the other things that I shouldn't do and that kept me stuck. I feel so confused.He loves charity. He organises events for the children, he has got his own website. All the people adore him and admire him so how could he treat me like that. Any other person would never believe me.I thought: if he is so good for the others so it must be me.If he was so good at the beginning so I must do something wrong and that was the reaon why he's changed. I feel ashamed because after all the reading and trying to understand when he wrote to me again I believed that he wanted to give me some closure, appologise personally. I wanted so much to finish it in a normal way like any other relationship but how can I do this if this relationship wasn't normal? He just wanted to check if I'm still under his control, if I care.He was satisfied, I think. I can't take this anymore. I don't want to suffer. Enough.I feel so sick and tired. Today will be my first day of the real NC without even reading his messages, looking at his photos, listenning to the stories about him. I hope I'll have enough strength to do this. I will be reading and I'll be here on this website cause only here I feel like I'm not the crazy one who just can't move on after being abandoned for the x-time by her fantastic boyfriend. One more time THANK YOU.

#9 Jul 16 - 12AM (Reply to #6)

gigi9

Alma25.....

Hang on girl! Mine is a marital therapist and a very well respected and successful one at that and very well respected ovrall in the community. NO ONE and I mean NO ONE would believe me. I tracked down an ex girlfriend of his, the one just before me, who validated my EXACT experience of him....otherwise I would have thought for sure that I was CRAZY! As I did for a long long time! I told him one time "Everyone thinks you are a guru and that is because they have not lived with you!" My N is just a piece of shit and will fall from grace one day...it is inevitable. Keep your chin up! It does get better and the sweetest revenge is a life well lived. The truth is...the N cannot have a life well lived...no piece of shit can. But you can. Stay connected to this board and I promise that you will be validated beyond belief. You will be ok. I never ever ever ever thought I would feel that way. Trust me on that one. And now...I am better than ok!

#10 Jul 19 - 5PM (Reply to #10)

Susan32

"The sweetest revenge is a life well lived"

Great quote! I SINCERELY believe that. I found some odd validation 3 years after the D&D... I came upon an essay posted by my ex-Psychopath professor that's in its entirety for free on the Internet (sad to say, you have to pay $25 if you REALLY want to read his oeuvre--and I'd rather spend my $$$ on music) In the FIRST FOOTNOTE,he blasts two colleagues BY NAME because they "criticized his original word choice." That's not classy. Footnotes are for explanations, sources, etc, NOT for bashing people. Duh. It was an odd sort of validation. Those two colleagues probably thought they were helping him with editing... and he threw them under the bus. I don't believe in bashing one's colleagues in footnotes. Not classy.

#11 Jul 19 - 5PM (Reply to #9)

Aliveagain

Ladies this made me laugh -

Ladies this made me laugh - something that became short in supply for an entire year. Gosh, what we've allowed these men to take from us, such a shame. I promise you, you are NOT crazy. I lost a friend of 20 years over the ordeal I went through with this fker. She didn't know him but she knew me and she saw me being obsessed and trying to figure everything out and talking about it and crying and she decided there was something wrong with me! THERE WAS. She then tried to tell me that I was reading into stuff. Considering in our 20 year history of friendship I had NEVER made a claim like that about any other males and in fact am on good terms with my exs I was shocked beyond belief. I was going through hell and I couldn't stop thinking about it day and night and all he had done to me. Of course I was upset. I wasn't doing anything other than talking incessantly but she told me off for not asking about her holiday and told me what a bad friend I was. I have never been anything other than a good friend so I could not believe she took a snap-shot and made it into a movie. I was also v v v upset because I feared what he would do to my reputation - professionally and personally because we worked in the same industry. Everyone that I knew that knew of him LOVED him. Thought he was a SUPER STAR. I thought that because of the way in which he would treat me, these other people's endorsement of him and the fact that my friend abandoned me that it MUST be me. It's not you. It wasn't me. I know it sucks but you know what you have to come to accept - however terrible it is - what those people who doubt you believe doesn't matter. The people who really love and care for you will be in your court and you also have to build up your self-esteem so that what you think about you matters most. Someone said to me "If you had to ask someone about another person would you ask a stranger or their best friend who has known them forever?". Obviously we would all choose the best-friend. The friend then said to me "Well who's spent the most time with you?"...initially I reeled off the names of a few friends. He said "No, its you. You've spent the most time with you". There you go. In time you will be able to validate and soothe yourself. What he thinks doesn't matter. He is a nutcase living below a facade. Hugs.

#12 Jul 17 - 1AM (Reply to #7)

alma25

keeping my chin up

Thank you a lot. It's good to hear that I'm not the crazy one. Every day I was thinking: how such a person, helping others can be so cruel? He can. I know it very well. "Everyone thinks you are a guru and that is because they have not lived with you!" You were so right telling this. Today is my second day of a real NC without having any form of contact with him. I'll live my life well. I can make it.

#13 Jul 18 - 5PM (Reply to #8)

almostlydia

Yes you will!

almostlydia

#14 Jul 15 - 4PM

Lisa E. Scott

Alma25

I'm so sorry for the pain you are in. They know how to break us down to the point of feeling worthless. Please know you did nothing wrong. You're feeling this way because you have been emotionally abused. This new girl has absolutely nothing you don't have - except a problem now - in him. He is nothing but a leech who will suck her dry. As hard as it sounds, be glad he is out of your life for he would only drag you down more. Hang in there. You're not alone. We're here for you. Read other's stories. It helps you realize they treat everyone the same. He will treat this new girl the same eventually. It has nothing to do with you. xoxo

#15 Jul 15 - 2PM

Happy1

Welcome alma25, I'm sorry to

Welcome alma25, I'm sorry to hear of your pain. I know I've been going through the same thing you are and am probably in the same stage you are so I don't know if I'm good at advice but I have been No Contact for 8 days now. I have been in therapy for a year knowing something has been wrong and it took this site for me to finally be done. The therapy I will continue with so she can help me figure out how to like me again but this is a great site to share your feelings on. I feel your pain and just know that it's not YOU! He is never going to be happy and he will keep moving from woman to woman...he views as objects. We are possessions, like a nice watch. I know this is hard but I keep thinking it will get better. Just keep posting and read as much as you can on Narcissists and verbal abuse. I know I've been reading a lot. hugs

#16 Jul 15 - 2PM

almostlydia

alma25

welcome alma25. i went back and found a good article i read about the 10 steps. they are a beginning and i remember wishing i had known about this way back when i was where you are now. http://narcissism-support.blogspot.com/2009/01/ten-steps-to-freedom-from-narcissists.html there is much help here and many questions have been addressed that will help you. you are not alone.

almostlydia

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