I need help

15 posts / 0 new

#1 Sep 10 - 7AM

christy_rn

I need help

So I am not sure what is wrong with me. Me and my N were together for 3 years, and we have been broken up for 3 months now. This is the 3rd break up now, but this time was different for me, because now I have all the knowledge from the forum. I can see how I got sucked back in all those other times, because I was completely oblivious to how someone with NPD works. So when he was hoovering, I thought he had seen the light finally! Now I know its just part of being a narcissist. So at the beginning of this breakup I was great! I told him I saw him for who he was and never wanted to speak to him again, I completely blocked him from my phone and facebook so he had no way to contact me. There was even a night when I saw him out and he acted completely psychotic and I ignored him and didnt acknowlege his behavior at all. I have still been hurting alot, but I felt like I was getting stonger.

However, this somehow changed. I havent talked to him now for about 2 months. The other night I got a knock on the door, and there he was. I wasn't expecting it, I wasn't prepared for it, and I stupidly answered the door. It was the same thing I've heard 5 million times "I miss you so much, you're all I ever think about, no one compares to you, you're such a catch and I messed it all up...." and about 100 other statements along those lines. That was 2 nights ago, and he has been calling/texting non-stop since then saying the same stuff. I know it's ridiculous but I have actually been replying to him. How did I get back to this place? I KNOW that I would never get back together with him because I know this "faze" wouldnt last for long, but why am I even talking to him? He seems so genuine and so hurt that it makes it easy to believe. Even though i know it's all part of this crazy horrible little thing called narcissistic personality disorder.

Have any of you had these slip-ups/ thoughts even AFTER you had all this knowledge? The addiction to them really is like a drug! You know it's bad for you and will only bring bad things, but in the moment it feels so good. ugh, help me get back into the NC mentality!

#2 Sep 12 - 12AM

brinamarie

Christy stay strong!

you're doing so great, we all "RELAPSE" on this drug. It's hard not to, you're clearly a sympathetic person and you're responding to someone who is ACTING like he is in pain. If you can't block him, listen but don't believe and remind yourself of how far you've come. Remind yourself of the confusion, lies, put downs that you spent years going through. Think of yourself happy with someone else eventually not having the anxiety/stress caused by dealing with a narcisstic. THats my biggest motivator, and I want & hopefully WILL have that. I'm not letting one person ruin my entire life. Success (happiness) is the best revenge!!! Stay strong girly.

#3 Sep 12 - 12AM

rosedewittbukater

Hoover

Take a moment to look over this. http://psychopathyawareness.wordpress.com/2011/08/03/reconciling-with-a-psychopath-the-dangerous-lure-of-the-honeymoon-phase/ I can tell you it just gets worse each time - and it is dangerous.

#4 Sep 12 - 12AM (Reply to #13)

brinamarie

thank you for posting that

thank you for posting that link. great, much needed REMINDER

#5 Sep 11 - 6AM

Scoop

It so hard when the hover

It so hard when the hover starts , we are so much in grief that we want to believe him , i went back six times untill i realised i had to get out and stay out , each of thoses six time the abuse got worse and worse ending in domestic violence . Dont feel bad for breaking NC , just get back on the waggon and block his sad arse . In a few more months of NC the brainwashing will have worn off and things will be clearer and then get ready of the anger stage .. Rage is your friend and it keeps us from ever talking to them again . Keep strong and maybe read the importance of keeping a journal when the hover starts post i did this morning .. big love Scoop x

#6 Sep 11 - 2AM

KeshaN

Been there

My mom was the first one to tell me my husband was a Narcissist. She had been studying about it at her school and did a report on it. I then looked it up and read all about it. I was amazed. He fit the criteria in every area. I had several slip ups. Even after reading about it I think I didn't want to believe it was true. Still some things didn't make sense to me. I kept thinking...he had to care about me to do this...there is no way he could be with me for 4 years and not love me...maybe he has changed...maybe he isn't a Narc. Even when I accepted that he was a Narc i still went back to him. I don't know why. I think it is that you still love him and it just feels good to talk to him. The no contact rule is hard to do because you are a human being and you loved this man. You wanted this man in your life and you miss him. So even talking to him makes you feel better. When i decided to leave my husband and get a divorce I wanted to remain friends with him. I felt that i could do it and it would be great to still have him in my life. It doesn't work. After being just his friend for a couple days I was sucked back in. Two weeks later I was completely devalued and abused and here i am today. Remember, as long as you talk to him he still has control over you. You did what he wanted you to do so he is happy for that. You are giving him the attention he wants that he may not be able to get else where right not. Bur don't feel bad. You are a human being and a normal one at that. Everyone has slip ups. Just keep trying and eventually it will become easier and easier for you.

#7 Sep 10 - 9PM

christy_rn

Thank you all for the replys,

Thank you all for the replys, everyone is so supportive and non-judemental it's shocking!

#8 Sep 10 - 11AM

Done sourcing

I like the fazey dazey crazy

I like the fazey dazey crazy reference, so narcatorial. Lol. Of course we get your feelings. No one who gets here after being with a true disordered one wouldnt get it. You get broken down and sucked in and cant even comprehend when, how, or why it happened. It doesnt seem like a possibility now, but yoou can start back on the nc immediately. You owe a narc no explanation for why you do or dont talk to them. You can cut all ties immediately...as if you had never answered the door that night...as if you had been on vacation when he came by...as if you dont even know his name. Can you see that you DO...I said YOU DO HAVE THE POWER RIGHT NOW TO GO NC!!! And then, and only then can you get clear of this mess and grow and learn and get your sanity back. Act strong then be strong...it doesnt work the other way around. Live like you had never met him. He is a stranger to you, truly now that you now he is a masked man, he is a stranger, and one yu would never let in the door. Lie and cheatand steal and hurt and abuse and terrorize and betray and ignore and devalue and destroy...that is the reality of how their pathology affects us. Get clear of him and stay clear. We want to be happy joyous and free, and want the same for you. ds

#9 Sep 10 - 11AM

Hunter

That's when they strike, they

That's when they strike, they strike when you feel better, feeling better, meaning stronger, but not 100 % Perfect! Grrr!! Step back, think about his manipulation, in fact if your texting play the narc game. Call him out, then go silent, he'll do one of 2 things rage or go silent! Play his headfuck game, this will stop you too, you'll get what he is a psychopath!! Change your number again too! Bottom line is if you don't stop this the BS will start all over again! Live or die! Hunter

#10 Sep 10 - 10AM

Sunafterrain

Christy

Seems the worse time NC for me was month three to six. I don't know why. It was SO difficult, but I stayed NC. Part of the reasons you stay NC is so that you can get your head out of the fog long enough to learn about PD's and understand what he truly is. Everything that happened that night with him, was you projecting your normal feelings of love and care onto someone who is incapable of that. His behaviors repeat themselves because he is disordered. Once you can WRAP YOUR MIND around what he really is, again with further education, you're going to "get it" in that whatever he does to suck you in, is A. manipulation and anything else is B. A lie. There is no in between. I'm nine months out now and am so serious about my NC I covet it like it's a precious newborn baby. I do not want this man in my life. Whenever a "good" thought about us comes into my head, it is IMMEDIATELY replaced by reality and all the abuse he heaped on me. Just pick yourself back up and NC again. Remember that this is an addiction for you and he set it up to be that way. The only way you will get free is to educate yourself and replace your addiction with healthier things. If you can stay NC long enough, no matter how horrible the pain, you WILL eventually understand that going back is nothing less than dangerous to you. Write a list of all the crappy things he's done to you. keep it with you and read it OFTEN. Change your phone number, your emails, get him off FB if you have it. If you are serious about your NC, doing ALL of those things will be easy to do.

#11 Sep 10 - 7AM

Happy1

Christy m

Yes, I know exactly how addicting this is. I was with my narc for little over 3. Years as well. He would cheat on me and I would catch him and he would break up with me. He would break up with me! Then a month or so later it was me begging for him back most of the time. I remember one of the last times last Sunmer it was him who contacted me because I had found this site and was trying to be strong. I was so addicted I was scared. I never ever thought I would have the strength to leave this monster. He would say to me he wasn't my puppet. Oh how that was the other way around. I was his puppet. I was an addict. Know that those words he speaks are just words. They are meaningless to him. He will say what ever he has to to get his supply back. What did you do when he came to the door a fee nights ago? Invite him in? Talk with him? More? I get it and im telling you the longer you stay away from him, the better you will be. Do you want this roller coaster again? Do you feel like starting at day1 of pain again? No. He's joy worth any effort. Don't open the door, text, answer phone. Block and delete. Take any measure you need to stay away. My narcs numbers are all erased even. I have no intention but have eliminated any temptation I may have for a split second to contact him. Im 9 months out and not fully recovered. It takes time time time. Educating ourselves on this disorder is important too. Reading is important So no contact is truly your only hope

#12 Sep 10 - 8AM (Reply to #2)

christy_rn

Thank you for your supportive

Thank you for your supportive response. I was a bit nervous posting this that people would tell me I was being stupid... which is how I feel about myself right now. Yes, I am ashamed to admit it, but he came over, we talked, and he said everything he knew i'd want to hear, we talked about things in our lives that happened over the past 2 months, and got along really well. His mask was on for sure. We stayed up talking until 7am, and then (very embarrassed to admit this) but yes we slept together, and fell asleep together. It was nice because it was how it was befor he turned into an asshole. He was acting like the person I completely fell in love with. I KNOW this person is not him though, so thats why I am beating myself up over this. I knew better, but I still did it at the time not caring about the consequences that would follow, but it felt good at the time. Just like an addict! (and Ive never even done drugs befor! but now i feel i can relate to a drug addict.) To make myself feel better, I tell myself that it has only been 3 months, and it will clearly take much longer than that. Then at other times, i think "oh my! it has been 3 months and I still think about him EVERYDAY, i should be more over this" I know that the only way to speed up my recovery is to go NC. Its hard though, because I dont want to hurt HIS feelings???? see! what is wrong with me?? I shouldnt care! he hurt my feelings a countless number of times.

#13 Sep 10 - 8AM (Reply to #3)

Happy1

Christy m

I thought there was more to the story only because I was right where you were. I remember the addiction to my narc. I can still feel him and smell him. That's how strong this is. Im 9 months out and my therapist tells me that I may never get over the addiction to Michael but I have the power to control my addiction. I have had to make hard choices. I've had to be strong every day. This is not easy and I was as addicted as they come. I have never been addicted to anything in my life and im pissed my addiction is another human. You felt good that night because he portrayed what you wanted. He was a reflection of you again. You need to get a grip now and suck it up an stop the madness. Only you have he power to end this. You control your future. You bring positive and negative energy to yourself. You will continue to have negative things until you let go of this man. Let him go! It's ok. He won't die because you didn't return a text. He will survive. Trust me. If anything he will try to start raging if you allow incoming texts which I don't recommend. I wish I had a movie for you for my last 9 months so you see and don't repeat any of my mistakes so you can heal faster. You do not need him to complete you. In fact, he is the zit on your face that you need to pop and heal. You are strong and powerful and you you have are everything he is not. Get away and stay away.

#14 Sep 10 - 8AM (Reply to #4)

Happy1

Chrisy m

Btw. Make a list on the site of the good and bad of being with your narc. My narc I now have these really cool anti depressants I've never been on before my narc that my doctor said I have no need for once my narc is out of my head. I pay out of pocket for a great therapist I never had before my narc I have spent hundreds of dollars on reading material both on healing and on what the he'll is wrong with my robot of a man I lost a job beginning of last year because of him. I was very short and curt with my son. I couldn't sleep I obsessed about thinking and replaying what he said over and over trying to make sense of it. I would feel i could never ever speak up because he would break up with me again. I have PTSD I have zero trust I hate men still! I am 9 months out and won't consider a date He never showed me true affection. Only sex I was expected to know what he was thinking and be 2 steps ahead of him. And he kept gettig worse and worse. What is so great about yours? Actions speak LOUDER than any bullshit words. Remember that. Observe your surroundings. You need to start waking up from your dream. You can do it. Be strong. You have the strength

#15 Sep 11 - 2AM (Reply to #5)

Anabelle

Great post Happy1. Christy M

Great post Happy1. Christy M just to give you another insight: After the break up I haven't slept for 7 days- Ended up at the critical psychology at the hospital, since I couldn't stop crying, didn't eat or drink and I was dangerous for myself. I have PTSD I can't trust anybody, paranoid about people I don't know. I come to this site to talk, because it's safe and I feel accepted, not judged. Making new friends(!)/talking to men is out of question ( I slept with an old friend after the break up, out of desperation. Just to prove that I am not worthless....CRAZY) I don't trust people I am afraid of men I still feel that I am fat, ugly, unsexy No job, lost all almost all my money I can't go to the streets of the city where we lived, because I don't feel safe The good things 9 weeks after N I stopped buying clothes as compensation. I compensated my loneliness and stress with cloth shopping Started a university I know I have friends I have faith again in life I know that I am a strong woman. Otherwise I wouldn't be here today. I am in therapy with an amazing counselor and I am back to my running routine. My life is better... even if I can't fully embrace it yet. BUT!!!! I have to look forward. I NEED to get over this addiction, because I CAN'T live my life like this. It's a lot's of effort, but it's a MUST. It's a MUST for everyone. If you can't stop him, you give your entire life to him. Don't do that. Don't go back there :((((( Try not to..hang on here. Lots of love

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