I need help

16 posts / 0 new

#1 Dec 12 - 6AM

Anonymous (not verified)

I need help

I broke down. I lost it. I was so filled with rage and tortured that I did something SO HATEFUL and SO SMALL that I cannot believe it and now regret it so severely, I can barely stand it. I don't know who I am anymore. I called both therepists and my psychiatrist in desperation for help. There's no undoing what I have done. The only upside is my N will never be in touch with me ever again - if he doesn't retaliate or kill me. I'm scared of that and scared of what I have become. My 2 best friends are horrified yet said "how much can one person take?" and "f him, he had it coming for what he's done to you for over 2 years" but I'm sick over this. I'm not a bad person and that act was so out of character. I have a therapy appt at 11 today - but it's too late now. I told ALL of them I needed immediate, severe help - I understand they need to get to know me first but I wish someone could have helped me keep control - this rage has been escalating for some time now and now, if I could go back and undo this, I would. My gf said it's a cry for help - sometimes I think I did such a desperate thing because I had to end this for once and for all and it was the only way I could. Now - I hope he just does what he said he would and just "shut down completely" on me instead of coming back to hurt me - I acted without any regard for my own safety - I'm not talking about physical assault - I'm talking about nuking my home or my job. I'm sick to my stomach now and scared shit. Wtf did I become? Who am I now?

#2 Dec 14 - 2PM

EiPuff (not verified)

New name

Changing my name here because EiPuff is identifiable to my N and many friends/acquaintances. Just wanted to let my blog buddies know :)

#3 Dec 12 - 3PM

dulcinea441

From what I've read, most

From what I've read, most narcs are cowards and if you stand up to them they will often disappear rather than seek revenge. I've heard of some who were vindictive, but more often than not they are so consumed by their own cowardice and paranoia that they will vanish once you show some genuine rage. I hope that's the case for you. Best of luck.

#4 Dec 12 - 5PM (Reply to #14)

Susan32

They tilt at windmills...

To use the phrase we get from "Don Quixote",the fake knight who pined for his ideal Dulcinea. The ex-Psych was the more vindictive type, even after I went NC on him. I had made the mistake of letting him be a professional reference. I got booted out of a teacher education program due to being a "danger to children." It was done in such a sneaky, underhanded way (I was dismissed over the phone by a professor at night, rather than in person, with an exit interview) Ps are more likely to feed off of genuine rage. And some Ns too. I've had to deal with a bully at work, and when my supervisor, the manager&I confronted her on her bad behavior, she got up and RAN OUT. I've had to inform the supervisor recently of her rages-not just at me but at coworkers. She does have the cowardice/paranoia combo. I told her the other day (after her blow-up) that everything was going to be OK&she shouldn't worry, and that I wasn't talking to other people. I gave her some hope.

#5 Dec 12 - 10AM

Im_always_fine

Please please take the help

Please please take the help that is offered here. It's ok...you are going to be ok...it's war...you are fighting for your life.

#6 Dec 13 - 2PM (Reply to #9)

EiPuff (not verified)

you wanna good laugh???

he called me yesterday and I picked up because if he was going to retaliate, I wanted to stop if via phone vs him showing up at my work or home. He had no idea who did it - which just confirmed my suspicion that this guy was cheating with at least one other girl -possibly quite a few. If I had truly been his one and only gf, he'd have pinpointed me immediately. Now I can re-establish NC since I know I don't have to worry about retribution and am going to get to work on my karma. I've been beating myself up for stooping so low but now am taking it as irrefutable evidence of the damage that man caused to me and it is the most compelling reason I have for being done. The fear & sickness I felt for the past 48 hours was akin to aversion therapy - now, instead of loving, missing and wanting him, I'm sickened and if I DID see him, I'd probably barf right on his shoes. I'd like to have a normal life again soon where I'm no longer a damaged victim. I can finally write in complete honesty that I don't ever want to see him, hear from him or even remember his bullshit again.

#7 Dec 14 - 12AM (Reply to #12)

uk lady

Good EiPuff

The storm has passed. Now onto calmer seas. You can now concentrate on your healing and rebuilding your self esteem. Erect stronger barriers and healthier boundaries too to protect yourself for the future. NC is always the absolute best decision. Dee x

#8 Dec 13 - 11PM (Reply to #10)

Im_always_fine

You musta had some good karma

You musta had some good karma coming your way. Whatever you did was SO OUT OF CHARACTER for you that it didn't even cross his mind that it was you!! LOL! I've done some really vile things since I met this NARC. But I know these are crazy times... I'll be back to my old self soon.

#9 Dec 14 - 5AM (Reply to #11)

EiPuff (not verified)

True

It would NEVER occur to him that I'd do that, not only because my nature is typically kind and generous, but also because I think he believes that I am so completely obsessed, madly in love w him, desperate for the smallest contact w his glorious presence & totally snowed by his lies- that I would NEVER risk alienating him from my life.

#10 Dec 12 - 7AM

Used

eipuff

I hope you take GOLDIE,S advice and have a ONE TO ONE.....goldie will help you thru this distressful time.... You need help, you can't have done any thing so terrible that it cannot be fixed....its done now, so now you must talk to someone and get it all out.....HANG IN THERE....XXX

#11 Dec 12 - 7AM

Goldie

Sorry you are in such distress Eipuff

The quickest way to receive support on here is through a PM to the moderator online. Go to the homepage and scoll down on the left and see who is online and send them a PM. Also if you are in need of telephone support you can schedule a one on one. I am available today. What you are describing is a natural reaction to an abusive relationship. When we are beaten down and treated badly we get urges to fightback and getback, it becomes a matter of survival. When we act on these urges and subject ourselves to more problems it becomes counterproductive to our recovery. You are not alone in this. Many have reacted to the abuse in this way only to find that you don't feel any better when you seek revenge. Sometimes we need to see just how low these PD's have taken us in order to hit a bottom and GET IT. Get that not only have they hurt us deeply, taken away so much, the abuse has also caused us to become someone who we do not recognize anymore. I said these same words when I was bottoming out from the PD. "I don't even know who I am anymore. I have become someone who I don't want to be. I don't like who I am when I am with this person." They take you down and then they leave you to pick up all the pieces and often we just don't know what to do with all of these emotions. The anger, the rage, the deep sense of betrayal. Let me know how you feel after your session and if you still need to talk, I am here today and you are welcome to scedule a one on one session. God bless, you are in my thoughts and prayers. I have been right where you are today, it is painful and there is a way out. Don't beat yourself too much, he drove you to this and you just need to rechannel some of these emotions. Goldie

#12 Dec 12 - 6AM

onwithmylife

EiPuff

Can you tell us what you did ? I did something out of character for me as well many years ago but I was so angry with the narc for not realizing how badly he had treated me. we become people we do not recognize that is for sure.

#13 Dec 12 - 9AM (Reply to #5)

Goldie

Please do NOT post anything you did wrong on the open forum

This is a time for self protection and posting your personal business on the internet is not wise. If you need to discuss this further Eipuff please PM a moderator with the details or set up a phone conference and share this way. You do NOT need to tell all the members anything which may be uncomfortable for you to do so. The moderators are trained to deal with these things and everything you tell us is strictly confidential. God bless, Goldie

#14 Dec 12 - 9AM (Reply to #2)

walking_on_sunshine

I think almost every one of

I think almost every one of us here has done the "unimagineable". I think that they push us to that point of insanity so that they have a good story to validate their grandiose narcissistic perceptions : we are "obsessed" with them and we are "unbalanced" so they broke up with us.

#15 Dec 14 - 10AM (Reply to #4)

Goldie

Exactly what they do walkingonsunshine

They lie, manipulate, and con us and we become in such a state of emotional and mental confusion that our sense of survival mode kicks in and we begin to fight back. Of course most of us are no match for the cunning of the PD, so are attempts at retribution often do leave us "appearing" like the crazy one. And they so delight in this. See see everyone, I've been telling you all along that she is nuts and she has at long last proven me rights. They love when we get "out of control" angry hysterical because they can say: You're a mess, do something about it, they self realize or care for that matter that this has anything to do with them. It simply validates their supposed superiority and control over us. It basically feeds right into their hands. They can't allow your antics to effect new supply. If they allowed you to smear them and get away with it then they would have to leave town and they are not doing that until they are ready. So..... They always make you out to me the nut job. Classic gaslighting techniques are applied. Look up gaslighting to have a more clear idea on just how this works. They are the pro's and master at gaslighting; they wrote the book. It should be called: "Gaslighting; a Narc and Psycho's Guide to Mind Control over your Prey" God bless, Goldie

#16 Dec 14 - 10AM (Reply to #3)

EiPuff (not verified)

Exactly

Thats exactly what he did and said to me. It hurt me tremendously and made me sick to hear that.

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