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I just wont be that person

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#1 Apr 15 - 9PM
Epiphany
Epiphany's picture

I just wont be that person

I'm beginning to fully understand what's been done to me. What I survived, what I put up with and what I tolerated. I read a blog about being a perfectionist and being real today. A 12 year old boy committed suicide because he was so ashamed that he masturbated and felt he could not live with himself. No one thought enough to just hug him and make him feel ok. Know what? It slayed me. OK, I loved a bad man. He abused me and hurt me and preyed on my kindness. I HATED how that made me feel. But I am beautiful and my heart, my grace is that no matter what he did that I forgive him. Because I have been that ugly. Felt that ugly. And I just don't want to be. I would rather go to my grave knowing I gave too much of my heart than feeling like I shut it off because someone did an injustice to me. I prayed so hard today because I hurt so much. I realized that the one thing I will not give up is the beauty of me. I am wonderful and giving and kind. I do not care that he didnt really love me. It brought me more peace than I've ever felt. I didnt need him to love me because I finally knew what he took advantage of.

Apr 16 - 10AM
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Epiphany

That was a very honest realization that you made and one that does show true strength. When hurt so deeply, it is so easy to say: "okay, I'm putting up walls, no one will get in no one will hurt me anymore" Right now the pain is still there and perhaps still fresh. We all have some work to do...we first have to comfort ourselves and be kind to ourselves...then we have to work on those things that might have left us vulnerable to such an attack. While I agree no one is immune to a narc attack because of how stealth the attack is...we all have issues, everyone...even those we think have it all together..."issues" are a part of life. AND so, I believe that by sharing, getting it out, connecting with others and working through it we can get to a good place, a healthy place...it is a process of really taking inventory and facing those things we may have been avoiding. And so, I am really happy to see that while still in pain, you came to a very beautiful realization about yourself. Hugs!
Apr 16 - 5AM
kgirl
kgirl's picture

You ARE beautiful.....and

You ARE beautiful.....and your post is inspiring :) I really hope to get there someday! ~KG
Apr 16 - 1AM
TLSM
TLSM's picture

So beautiful!

Thank you for posting. You are far ahead of me in healing. You give me something to aspire to. To forgive him would be nothing short of a miracle for me.I cannot see it ever happening. But I do need to forgive myself and let go of the illusion of him. That is my goal. Thank you again! Best to you.
Apr 15 - 10PM
aceonelady
aceonelady's picture

Epiphany.....YES!

That's how i think and feel now too.after 5 years of suffering,confusion being abused and discarded....I felt love,hate,every emotion in the human vocabulary....Like you say ,i felt ugly when i hated....Me too i know now i rather be myself,the way i was before i met him and thank God I came back to be me...I know now why he wanted me then,and took it from me...the moment he went,i couldn't see he was giving myself back to me.And he is now more miserable than ever,he sent me an apology email after 3 years D&d and told me he is living a very quiet and lonely life in solitude.The only things he enjoys is silence,sleep and inactivity.That was me when he left.Now i am 3 days week at the gym.lost weight i am 55 but people think i am 40...I am taking my live back with a vengeance,i feel sorry for him really.He wanted to be a bit like me,but he could't.

Aceonelady

Apr 15 - 10PM
Steph
Steph's picture

Epiphany

"I realized that the one thing I will not give up is the beauty of me. I am wonderful and giving and kind." Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful. He took advantage of a beautiful person and an honest soul. That is NO shame on you; the shame belongs to him.
Apr 16 - 1AM (Reply to #4)
TLSM
TLSM's picture

SS78

OMG. What you wrote: "He took advantage of a beautiful person and an honest soul. That is NO shame on you; the shame belongs to him." I LOVE THAT!!! I am copying it and pasting to my memo pad in my cell phone.
Apr 15 - 10PM (Reply to #2)
Epiphany
Epiphany's picture

Because

Because I havent turned my phone on in a week or checked my email and there it was, his email wanting to know "why I am so mean". The first time and only time he met my daughter he said "she's fat"...how could I take her to Burger King. If I was any kind of a mother I would have punched him in the face and ran like the wind. I didnt and I dont know why. A year later he sent me a text because they bumped into each other and told me "she had good JEANS" Not her genes which was apparently and what he could not spell... That, I will have to live every day with. I have to live with replay to remind myself that I did it wrong but I'm still ok, I made a mistake and I would never in my life make someone feel that small. She hasnt forgiven me for being weak.
Apr 15 - 11PM (Reply to #3)
Steph
Steph's picture

That is such an aweful thing

That is such an aweful thing for him to say. " If I was any kind of a mother I would have punched him in the face and ran like the wind." No. Dont talk to yourself like that. You were in the midst of being brainswashed. That term, "brainwashed" is NOT an excuse. It is REAL and it happens. It can grab a "rational" person and turn them into "irrational" before they even knew what hit them. Do NOT blame yourself anymore than you already have. It's not that you "did it wrong"...you were EXPOSED to "wrong".....and that changed you. Temporarily. You are human. Even as a mother, you are still human. You are not weak. You crossed paths with a freak of nature. Something not normal. Would you blame yourself for "getting H1N1 flu" because you were exposed? No. You wouldn't. Same thing here. You were exposed to a contagious person, and you got the illness from it. DON'T blame yourself!!