I just realized I'm defensive about my N

I used to defend the ex-Psych prof because he had the *POTENTIAL* to be a good philosopher and a good teacher, he never actualized it. I think he wanted his supply to mourn his squandered potential. His ideal partner would be with him, mourning how he never got his big break. His father is accomplished, as are his colleagues. I used to defend the ex-P because he was my teacher. I excused his behavior because he was a teacher. As soon as I graduated, that became a moot point.

I think it's because I see the wounded boy under all that anger and manipulation and I want to protect him in a way that I believe his parents did not. I know that comes across as rather foolish since he would take any opportunity to knock me down if it works to his advantage, but that's just how I feel.

Hi Waceat, I think when you have been in an abusive relationship you do get into the habit of making excuses for them. I know I did with mine. It's a part of being in denial. I used to rationalise his behaviour as a way of telling myself it wasn't that bad and I would do the same if my friends challenged his behaviour. (e.g. if he didn't phone me for days I would tell myself, and/or my friends, that he was was busy with his university studies and think of that as being a good thing, that he was hard-working and committed etc., rather than face the truth, which was that he hadn't phoned because he didn't care about me. Protecting his repuatation means keeping the abusive relationship a secret from others. It keeps you in denial and allows the abusive relationship to continue. This is what happens when a thoughtful person, like you or I, is in a relationship with a thoughtless, inconsiderate person who doesn't think about our feelings. We ask ourselves why they haven't done what they promised they would, or why they haven't done what any decent boyfriend would do in that situation and then we try to analyse their thought processes and justify their behaviour, when really this is what they should be doing. In the end, we are doing all of their thinking for them. I imagine that you (like many of us here) are a kind person who wants to see the good in people (Lisa calls us "empaths") which is one of the reasons that he was attracted to you and he has taken advantage of of your good nature. He brainwashed you into following a routine that suited him and ensured that he would get what he wanted from you. But you are onto him now. Breaking this habit of defending him is all part of undoing the routine that he's got you into. You've realised that you are doing it and that's a huge step in the right direction. If you need further encouragement not to do it, ask yourself whether he would leap to your defense if someone was insulting you. If the answer is "no" then he clearly does not deserve your loyalty. Carol xxx

I did the same until I realised he was illiterate not dsylexic like he said he was.He was always telling me how intelligent he was and how stupid and childish I was.He`s as thick as shit.......

Yep, we take care of him, him, him, but who in the hell takes care of us. NOT THE FFFF NARCISSIST!!!!!!! It's all about them, them, them. That's how they set it up. Oh yeah in the beginning, they shower us with attention, love, BULLSHIT. It's all an act. Then when they have you where they want you, the mask comes off. And the real fun starts. HONESTY about npd is a must. Read, read, read. NC, healing work, prayer. And start caring for yourself, because your n never will. They just abuse then d & d. Then try to come back if you let them. Don't your are worth more. Love to all Jen

Awww what an insighful, sweet and really honest post - thank you! I do the same with mine. Poor guy...really does have a high IQ for someone who can't spell.