I just got a question

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#1 Mar 3 - 10PM

Anonymous (not verified)

I just got a question

Inspired by another post...

In hindsight during the targeting phase when I got to hear all about his victimhood...and lordy, one day I have to memorialize that whole song and dance here for informational purposes...he had me convince HE WAS THE DOMESTIC VIOLENCE VICTIM!!! MANIPULATOR!!!! *since I can't call him the two word four syllable thing on here...involving the word Mother....

There were hints that the ex "FALSELY" accused him of physical abuse...and he told another story where another ex almost pulled a Lorena Bobbit on him...he landed in the hospital *she's my hero* BUT I digress...

He admitted to hitting the Lorena Bobbit girlfriend...and when I spoke with the ex wife she said he pulled a knife on her...

Mind you...honeylamb was so meek and mild...ha!

AND, there was only one really frightening RAGE episode. Yes, we'd argue and he'd blow his top, but he'd go out for air and it would blow over...it only got sick towards the end...well, its hard to explain yes, it was abusive psychologically but that part was stealth and I became aware in hindsight so I'm not discounting the abuse...

BUT I'm wondering in putting the pieces together I think he was/is capable of physical abuse.

We were together FOUR years...I'm not a marshmellow...I could stand my ground. I never got overtly disrespectful in general not out of subservience but because I feel there are boundaries when arguing...BUT nonetheless I wasn't this soft spoken waif not by a longshot...I think you can see I have a little spunk to me...

AND I don't think these women were waifs either...I mean look at Lorena...LOL and the ex wife was no waif...

BUT now I'm wondering...what stopped him from striking me.

I think if I stayed eventually it may have come to that? BUT four years isn't a blink of an eye...

Anyone?

#2 Mar 4 - 4PM

IncognitoBurrito

Michele

What stopped him from striking you? What happens the second you stop taking crap from any bully? You got up in his face, when he tried to start with you! He knew not to try THAT one again. Which is a good thing, because if you do it right, you should only have to do it ONCE. Point taken! You stood up for yourself, you took your power back. Can I ask... does that happen though? Will someone wait a full 4 years before striking someone else? That's an awful lot of self-restraint, I'd think, if someone were prone to physically abuse. Wouldn't the little signs of aggression begin to appear within the first year or two? Not sure about that part.

#3 Mar 4 - 4PM (Reply to #10)

onwithmylife

Dear burrito

I am not Michele but my Narc never struck me, he did hit hisfirst wife many years earlier, but he just used his rage. anger and threats to leave me, instead of physical abuse and I was with him 15 off and on years.

#4 Mar 4 - 2PM

Susan32

Because he was a teacher

The ex-Psych professor once quoted a character from "War and Peace" who said that he liked "solving problems with his fists" after I had caused yet another Narc injury (I guess I inflicted the type like a Super Bowl half time show with the Black Eyed Peas, rather than whistle-blowing)... and my mother was seriously afraid that he'd beat me up or kill me. The final D&D was one final public fight... and I think the fact that it was in PUBLIC protected me. If he had laid hands on me in front of everyone, he would've been out of a job. During my freshman year, in class, he'd say "You sound like a wife who is being beaten by her husband." In St. Augustine's "Confessions" (one of the ex-P's now formerly favorite texts, since I tainted it permanently by writing my senior thesis on it, I apparently showed the same mercy as General Sherman did to Atlanta),there's a scene in which St. Monica tells these wives whose husbands are beating them that if they respected their husbands&obeyed them more, they wouldn't be getting beaten. It's a pretty chilling sequence... and I think the ex-P liked it. After the final D&D, the ex-P was begging me for my home address... and I NEVER told him. I did the whole "dodge the question&be as vague as a politician" game. I think he was quite capable of physical abuse... but since he&I never met off-campus, he never came to my dorm nor me to his apartment, I stayed safe. The ex-P admired philosopher Ludwig Wittgenstein, who beat his "stupid" students in rural Austria... and who responded to an aggrieved father by running away. He also admired Arthur Schopenhauer, who shoved an elderly woman down the stairs for being "too loud"-he had to make payments for her care until she died-and when she died, he wrote, "Finally, the b*tch is dead."

#5 Mar 4 - 7AM

dazed and seeki...

this is a good question, bc i

this is a good question, bc i asked myself the same one. i wonder what stopped him from hitting me. he got close, but never did. and he made ME out to be the abuser (because I spoke up! like you!) - like my therapist said, it was good that i got angry. it was my mode of self-protection. there is a great article about abusers blaming the abusee as the "abuser" - this happens often. I thought that article was from this forum, but I can't seem to find it. If anybody knows, I'd love to find it again. i don't know the right answer, but i know for myself and my narc, i think it was that he didn't understand that what he was doing was abusive. but he KNEW that using his hand and hitting me would 100% be abuse. honestly, i just think my narc's thinking about what constitutes abuse was not evolved enough to think that there was such a thing as emotional and mental abuse - or that it was as bad as physical abuse. He needed to string me along. And the fact that I stood up for myself during the relationship, I think he knew and thought deep down that if he hit me, I would definitely turn around and never look back. a lot of people, including women, who've never been in these abusive situations, often misunderstand abuse. they often feel like physical abuse is the worst thing ever - and the mental abuse is not as bad. i often hear ppl blaming the women for not being strong enough to leave when it was *only* verbal abuse. that's just my theory. thanks for all of your very insightful and thoughtful posts. :)

#6 Mar 4 - 7AM (Reply to #7)

michele115 (not verified)

Dazed...

i don't know the right answer, but i know for myself and my narc, i think it was that he didn't understand that what he was doing was abusive. but he KNEW that using his hand and hitting me would 100% be abuse. honestly, i just think my narc's thinking about what constitutes abuse was not evolved enough to think that there was such a thing as emotional and mental abuse - or that it was as bad as physical abuse. YOu brought up a very good point...I'm a fine example...I had no idea until I started reading...but I was conditioned to believe this was all normal... AND yes, I'm a fighter so I think he knew how much to push... I don't know why but EVERY boyfriend I've ever had and yea, a lot of them were "abusive" emotinally but not physically I'm seein in hidnsight...but I'd always give this spiel in the beginning...bring up the topic somehow and I'd say..."Maaaan, I don't know how some of these women take it...I mean if some man ever tried to lay his hands on me, he better leave because if he falls asleep I'd stab him...I'm Puerto Rican I know how to use a knife"...and just kinda check out their reaction? But the truth is...I'm not like that at all...I just would talk tuff...I guess because I didn't have my dad to "protect" me so I had to take on this "act" at times like "don't mess with me" but really I'm very sensitive... That might have given him a clue...I am now remembering I've given that speil a lot and I don't know how or where I got the idea to do that...but I guess it's served me well... I dunno

#7 Mar 4 - 6AM

Sergie41

michele115

In my situation the physical abuse didn't start until he knew for a fact that I would back down because of it, and that I wouldn't involve the law. He would do just enough to push, to not leave bruises or marks to prove the abuse. But steadily, as I denied the abuse not only to myself but to everyone around me, it got worse. He snapped one day. And it took all the courage in my soul to drive to the er and to the police station and follow through. Courage neither of us thought I had. My xn thought I would back down, because it was normal for me. I would crumble and not want to hurt him or possibly get him in trouble. So as he kept pushing buttons, and I kept(somehow) getting stronger. Not all are physical because they know exactly what they can and cannot get away with. If he knew for a fact he could get away with it he would've, no doubt. But the last thing in the world they want is to be involved in the court system. It ruins their perfect rep, their perfect mask. Yours in my opinion, knew physical abuse wasn't a road he could take with you. Emotional abuse, was hard for you to prove, but physical... not so much. He couldn't take that chance.

#8 Mar 4 - 3AM

onwithmylife

Michelle115

you know I spent 15 off and on years with the narc and he lived at my place for one year, during the time he lived with me, after I asked him to leave, we got into a big argument over something trivial, and he got in my face and I met him eyeball for eyeball, and said , if you lay a hand on me, I will call the police and he did not want to go to jail, so he backed off, he is a bully and those types are really very scared of people and, espically women, I believe, they truly have no core or inner sense of self, who are they?.Your ex hand a fear or knowledge you might land him in jail, they do have certain controls to their impulses.Maybe that separates them from psychopaths?

#9 Mar 4 - 4AM (Reply to #4)

michele115 (not verified)

OWL

My friend *a social worker* not practicing said something similar... She said he was scared of me...which I dunno, I'm not a tiny person but he's got me beat in height and such... I wasn't scared of him... I remember at times when he would raise his voice I'd tell him hold on a minute back up...you've got the wrong one but the truth seriously...he could have knocked me over no problem... Thats interesting you say that...a lot of people tell me I'm intimidating...I'm not violent but I know how to work things if I have to in terms of "systems" and such... That's interesting... Thank you... And thank you ladies for the replies below...I do believe he would have if it continued as I was slowly losing myself although there weren't many arguments simply because what I did was start to withdraw...

#10 Mar 3 - 11PM

fooled no longer

He was withholding on you.

He was withholding on you. That including striking you, Perhaps he realised his ass was going to land in prison, Thats what keeps mine from striking me. These Guys know we make comparisons, its natural. They bank on that for cog disonance their fav tool. Its pointless trying to work this shit out. They press all the buttons randomly until they get what the want. theres no master design, just the pattern caused by the f ing huge entilement and the lack of humanity. They are literaly an accident waiting to happen. Mine smashed into a pilliar when he reversed without looking as we moved stuff to storage last weekend. My fault I didnt warn him there was a lift shaft there, F'ck they really are the pits!

#11 Mar 3 - 11PM

Scoop

Time ... what stopped him

Time ... what stopped him striking you was you wernt with him long enough (thank god) . I shiver when i think of my narc and how i too got the sob story of how terrible his up bringing was and how he was a poor victum of abuse and i think back to the man who would cosy up to me in bed and tell me theses stories it is a completely diffrent man to the one attacking me screaming his head off . I never found out if he hit any other girlfriends but i susspect the answer would be a yes . It stands to reason that if he hit his OW it was only going to be a matter of time untill he lost it with you as a narc will repete the same behaviour with out learning ... god mine even hit his only and best friend last week , infrount of people too which just proves he is getting worse . Michelle with youre great sassy ways i would have said youre beating from the narc would have been just around the corner and thank GOD in heaven it didnt happen he could have kiled you , mine could had killed me and thats the reality .xx

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