I haven't contacted him in 5 days...

14 posts / 0 new

#1 Jul 5 - 9PM

sarah787

I haven't contacted him in 5 days...

I know I have a long way to go. I had a busy weekend with friends, and tried to stay positive. I think I'm still struggling deciding whether or not he was the jerk. I still fill responsible for a lot. Whenever I hear someones narc or ex did something I think to myself "John Doe would have never done that. For example, I was watching the Bachelor interview w/ Jake and Vienna and she kept on saying he would never kiss her. My stomach dropped because even up to our last D&D he ALWAYS showed an outpouring of affection towards me.

I guess I'm also lonely. I don't have many friends around anymore. The ones that are want to drink and go out. So, that's what I've been doing. But I miss having him in my life because we would go hiking, and on all these other adventures. Now thanks to fbook I know he is still doing all those things with all his close friends...and the new girls he's been dating.

I guess I'm finally accepting it's over- I just wish I had more confidence in myself. I also wish I didn't miss him. Or what I thought he was.

#2 Jul 6 - 1PM

rainbow1

Sarah

First of all, congrats on going 5 days! I wish I could say the same! I went 5 days but he just texted me and I responded, I only said a simple "yep" but still I responded so it is a major accomplishment to make it this amount of time! Second I know what you mean about the adventures you miss. I dont really miss my N but I miss what came along with him. We had so many toys together that we were always busy. We either went quadding, dirt biking, seadooing, boating, waking boarding, snowmobiling, to the dog park with our puppy, always with friends and having a great time. We were ALWAYS doing something better than the day before.

_______________________________________________
"dont let yesterday take up too much of today"

#3 Jul 6 - 11AM

Lisa E. Scott

Sarah

Congrats! 5 days is major progress! You should be very proud of yourself. Keep up the good work! xoxo

#4 Jul 6 - 9AM

agnesmurphy17

Go Girl!

Five days is great! I have no doubt that your man is an N from what you describe. There are variations on Ns as on normal people. SOme flaunt the new woman, others are secretive. Mine is a raving N. But, he would never have a FB page recounting his adventures. Mine is too paranoid & pathologically secretive. Still, he's an N. Now . . . you too can go hiking. There is most likely a hiking club in the area. Also, he's always gonna be "affectionate" because he wants to keep the line of supply open as a back up. A true N is never going to give clarity or closure. The only way to get closure is to close the affair down oneself. When you're done with him, you'll know & there is really nothing to tell him about that. You're done.

#5 Jul 6 - 7AM

NinjaGirl

Good job!

I think five days is great! I promise it does get easier in time. Please block him on Facebook. Don't even defriend him. Just block him. That way you can't see him, and he can't see you. I know it sounds hard, but I assure you that you will find more peace if you do this. Right now he needs to be dead in your mind. You have to be your primary focus. You can still do the things you like, but either find other friends or do them on your own. If you like to hike, for now, maybe find another place to do it until the memories no longer bother you. Forge new memories. I've mentioned it before and I'll say it again that I'm your friend, even though we don't live near each other. Have you tried going to meetup.com? You can type in any interest, or just your zip code, and find groups of people who have similar interests to your own. *hugs* Stay strong, sweetie.

#6 Jul 6 - 5AM

Scoop

5 days is excelent , please

5 days is excelent , please dont expect too much from yourself at the moment , it takes time for the fog to lift . It so hard to go no contact dont underestermate the strenght it took from you , pat youtre self on the back girlfriend , this jerk dose not deserve you . And as for the other girlfriends he will do to them what he did to you as sure as night follows day . Keep with company as it does help , i think that is one thing i would have done diffrently when i started no contact , i hid myself away for too long , but you live and learn .. Big love to you Scoop x

#7 Jul 6 - 4AM

NancyM

5 day is great!!

Hiya Sarah, it is common for a lot of us to be far away from friends and family when we come out of this because isolation is one of the key tools of the N. BUT any addiction, it's the first three days that are the critical to get through....and you have DONE it!! It's going to be tough for a while, but hang in there cos we are all here as the friends you need. Proud of you...hugs!!

Nevergoback

#8 Jul 6 - 3AM

ewa

Congratulations :)! Now

Congratulations :)! Now there is next 5 days ahead of you. I am sure you can do it! I will keep my fingers crossed!

#9 Jul 5 - 10PM

Steph

This is fantastic! So proud

This is fantastic! So proud of you:) I know what you mean about the lonliness and missing him. It's normal. You had real feelings for him and still do. My xN and I used to camp and hike alot and man did I miss that! But the fun we had with that doesn't excuse the abuse. You will find other people to enjoy those activities with. People that don't hurt you. Sorry you don't have many friends around anymore. Maybe when your feeling up to it, you could start a new hobbie or volunteer - good way to meet people. I think you are in the worst phase right now. Withdrawls and your brain is still mixed up and your still blaming yourself. Believe me, that does get better the longer you go no contact. YOu will see things more clear. So glad you updated us and again, very proud of your 5 days no contact! Huge accomplishment:) hang in there:) xoxo

#10 Jul 5 - 10PM (Reply to #2)

hitandrun

Congrats Sarah

Everything you are feeling is right on. Just take it one step at a time. This is NOT EASY. But you will get to the other side. Expect to miss him for a long time. This was not a normal break-up...it was being devalued by a disordered person.Jerk is different than majorly messed up(meaning disordered, pathological, psychopath, sociopath, narcissist...take your pick). You can feel, you loved him(or what you thought was him). That's a good thing. And their little mind games can make you doubt just about everything. If you haven't read betty2020's post on Ambient Abuse...take a look. Missing him, getting obsessed, getting pissed, crying, wanting to contact him(wanting to beat the sh*t out of him)...we've all been there. Keep the faith. 5 days is a great start : )

#11 Jul 6 - 9AM (Reply to #6)

aceonelady

hitandrun...the same here

What you mentioned above yep is me.....last week started very heavily missing him,obsessed,etc ....I broke NC and he DID answer his cell knowing it was me,for the first time in 45 days.....very strange....well i wish i didn't have call him...I s just like a drug....i cannot forgive myself for being so weak...is been a year and a half since he dumped and i am 2 years in therapy....he is still everyday 24/7 on my head and body....it sucks i wish i could sleep and never wake up again...but well i dream with him every night.....it sucks i am tired....

Aceonelady

#12 Jul 6 - 8AM (Reply to #3)

tigger73

Same boat here.

I'm so glad I found this post. I feel the same way. I have had 4 days NC and I slept terrible last night, missing him, WHAT? I don't know what I was missing. Missing the verbal abuse, the walking on eggshells, the dirty looks? No, I am missing what was supposed to be there, what was there early on. I am missing him BECAUSE he already had someone else before the kids and I moved out. If someone could absolutely guarantee me that he is NOT happy with her and will do the same thing, I can get thru this. My biggest fear is that he will be happy with her and she will be the love of his life and they will be happy together forever and that will prove it is me with the problem. Yes, he is so majorly in my head right now it's hard to see straight. I have a question? Did any of your narcs have issues with sex addiction and porn? I know that's a sensitive topic and I don't want to offend anyone but I am ready to talk about about his issues in this area. I am curious if this is common for this disease. And SARAH, we are in the same exact boat!!!!! You are not alone and I will be thinking of you today and praying for strength for you!!! Keep it up. One day turns into the next and before we know it, weeks will pass and we will get healthier day by day.

#13 Jul 6 - 9AM (Reply to #5)

aceonelady

tigger73.....porn yes

Well my ex N has been watching Porn since he was a kid,he complained to me that his older nephews did introduce him to that....And that he feels dirty after watching,everytime....he told me that about 10 years ago(he is now 43)he watched a lot daily,and he was living with his girlfriend and his kids,he was very sexual with her too...later when we met he was already doing it lesser,but he is very visual...i remember i was on Skype with him,and he said he was watching csi New York...then i said wait a minute i will go get the front door(i thought i heard the door bell)when i came back and did put the headphone on,i heard him sayin....Oh i can see those lips around my dick...hmmmm....I asked ,what are you doing?He said oh i am sorry darling but that girl on csi have the most amazing lips and i did let myself go.....and that is just an example how he was....but when i met him inthe flesh,(i live in Holland and he in Tulsa USA)he had sex with me 2 times in 2 months and couldn't kkeep it up....i am 54 ,good looking open minded and he could't get it up ...the second time he finished but had to be fast fast....he was afraid he could't keep it....he told me that he thought that was going to be one of those times again that he would't keep it up....he did masturbate a lot under the shower and watching Porn he told me so,many times a week...is a disgrace...he is a beautiful afro american guy but i really think not able to have sex with a real woman...he is always on the net,talking sex(he did with me)promissed me the most great sex ever,but everything is in his head and he cannot do it....and he dumped and told me to fuck me he had to think about someting else,and that i was just too much....he never touched me again in 2 months....but always went gaming and making comments about this and that woman asses....sorry about my language,but is true...i feel used,and he did make me feel very confused,because a lot of people in Tulsa were always giving me compliments about my appeareance and he got angry everytime and told me :You think you are very hot,dont ya...but not for me....(please read my story)

Aceonelady

#14 Jul 6 - 8AM (Reply to #4)

Steph

tigger73

The "missing" them is normal. Part of the withdrawls and traumatic bonding to an abuser. Nobody gets why would miss someone that treats us poorly. People would ask " aren't you just glad to be rif of him?" It's tough to explain to people that haven't been through it. As for the porn and sex/addiction- mine didn't (that I know of lol) but MANY MANY members here have been through that. Now - will he be happy with the other woman - we ALL ask that! Please look up an article by Sandra Brown called "The Other Woman.....Now He's Happy with HER?". It's great and i think you'll fine it helpful:) Hang in there:) 4 days NC is awesome:) xoxo I'll look for the link to that article

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