I have a hard time taking care of myself like BASIC things

18 posts / 0 new

#1 Apr 4 - 6PM

Arwen

I have a hard time taking care of myself like BASIC things

I grew up with very little role modeling if any at all in terms of grooming, exercise, eating, dressing, etc. Of course at 44 spending my whole life working on myself I know it all now but I STILL have a hard time making myself do it. Does anyone else have a similar experience? Sort of like someone else is going to do it for you? Was the narc going to do it for you?

#2 Apr 5 - 1AM

TLSM

Yes!

Very similar. My mom suffered from deep depression and alcoholism. My dad was never home and mean and unemotional. When they divorced things got worse. My mother neglected me and my brother terribly. We would eat cake mix for food and never had clean clothes and tons of cavaties and always sick. She'd forget to picj us up from school. We missed a lot of school. At age 10,my bro 9- my mom never woke up before 12, so my bro and I would take money from her purse and drive her car to the store to get food. It was bad and got worse in our teens. Way worse. Major physical and emotional abuse. It was horrific. I taught myself how to cook, clean clothes, groom myself- everything. Didn't really know what was happening when I first got my period! So yes! I hear you and feel you. My motivation level is very low, but wellbutrin helps, big time! :) But even though that all sucked, I feel pretty damn grateful and lucky today. I'm alive and I have the sweetest cutest little 7 year old girl and I run my own business. But I TOTALLY have days and still do this- when I just hang out in bed ALL damn day! And I do let the laundry pile up and let the whole house go to crap! Its not that I'm lazy, I just get overwhelmed and don't know where to start. Wellbutrin has really helped me, though. If you go to therapy, ask them about it. Just know you're not alone here! :) (((HUGS!!!)))

#3 Apr 5 - 9AM (Reply to #16)

Arwen

tlsm

was crying reading your story. I am taking meds that really help thanks...glad you find the wellbutrin helps...great drug I also thought unfortunately it made me severely anxious as it lifts people alot sort of like speed. But it is a great med. And with your seven year old, just like me with my boys, doesn't it help you get your shit together cause you don't want your child growing up like you??

#4 Apr 5 - 3PM (Reply to #17)

TLSM

YES!!!!!!!!!!!!

Weird! I never got an email alert for your response to mine. Having my daughter DOES force me to get my shit together! I just love that little girl. That is something I am desperately trying to prevent -preventing her from growing up sad and angry. Her dad is pretty healthy and a good man. Thank goodness for that. And I don't want to be like MY parents were to me -you pick up bad habits from them whether you like them or not~! I wish wellbutrin made me speedy!

#5 Apr 4 - 10PM

ifinallygotit

patiencegoal

You are a good and smart woman. You really have had a hard life and deserve all the best now. it is not too late...45 is young!

#6 Apr 4 - 10PM (Reply to #14)

Arwen

FGOT IT

Thank you

#7 Apr 4 - 9PM

IncognitoBurrito

Yes

I got mixed messages. When I was young, I was free to do as I pleased. I grew up with my own color palette of make-up. I had my own vanity set, with little lights, and the whole bit. I loved dressing up. It was super fun! My mother seemed to delight in dressing me up. She loved doing my hair. Everything had to be just so. She used to tie my ponytails up so tightly on the top of my head, that my scalp would hurt. When I became a teenager, it was a whole different ball game. She never liked the way that she looked. I started to finally fill out at 15, and it infuriated my mother. Around this point, is when she'd stress how unimportant looks are. She wouldn't show up for any of my school functions. She hated it, if I wore anything but baggy clothes, that hid my figure. She'd suggest I should cover up. If I dabbled in make-up, and tried to get made-up, she'd call me "selfish." That was her favorite word to use. She'd say that I only thought of myself. Which was hilarious, because I LIVED for thinking I could solve her problems. She made me feel responsible for her moods. I'd always end up getting blamed somehow. This behavior wasn't relegated to her vanity alone, she'd think I were selfish if I were doing anything but being her personal scapegoat. I couldn't have friends over. I didn't have summer breaks to myself. I was stuck at home, starting from the age of 11, caring for my baby sister, and doing chores. I had zero social life, because she forbade it. I was grounded constantly- 6 months out of a year- for contrived, truly ridiculous things. She didn't even have the decency to teach me how to drive. I was very much secluded, ignored, and inhibited in every way imaginable. And then she'd nag me for not being independent, or for doing more. She loved to do that- to take all of my freedom away, and then laugh at me for being dependent and needy. Boy, was she ticked off when I moved away and finally started LIVING for myself! I'd call her, to tell her any time something good happened. She could never be happy for me, for anything. I didn't bother to invite her, when I got married. Because, when I called her, after I'd gotten engaged, she took all the wind right out of my sails. If I wasn't miserable, she wasn't happy. When I was miserable, she felt like hot shit. It was warped. I can't imagine feeling that way toward my own child.

#8 Apr 5 - 3AM (Reply to #12)

ImStrong

Wow that sound like my mother

Wow that sound like my mother and vrandmother..you have a N mother..down toeverything you said is my mom....you know that means she never loved you....that takes time to digest..everything is a competition ..jealousy and pure rage about them My mom was a cerebal N she always complain her head heart and say shes always thnking..i told her your always plotting and usually against me..

"In the fiery pit lays a man with two faces.One is the face of a God and the other a face of the Devil.Beware He lurks your souls.Keep one hand on your heart and the other hand over your eyes. Let him walk pass you not into you.Ghost of love will possess

#9 Apr 5 - 3AM (Reply to #11)

ImStrong

.

#10 Apr 4 - 9PM (Reply to #7)

Arwen

Yes N mothers

My Mom was a sedative and narcotic addict and of course lived in great depression and anger with my narc and addicted bi-polar father. So it was mostly neglect for me as she laid in bed most of the time. I just didn't know anything but I figured it out, and I just always wanted a mother. I found one in a very, very sick malignant voice teacher who did take me under her wing and guided my every step as a human being and she taught me a lot about hygiene, cooking, money, a lot of practical things, and she also tore me down just as fast when I exhibited any beauty or independence from her. I also learned a lot about taking care of myself from my many narcs in my twenties. But no one in my house exercised growing up for instance - my mother was obese my whole life. It was just this den of drugs and narcicide. Total chaos - bedlam - dishes always piled high all the way to the top of the sink. Someone here mentioned bad teeth...I had spaces or what you would call bad gaps in between front and side teeth, they were so unattractive. Do you think my parents ever took me to a dentist or got me braces? At seventeen I paid for myself to get them bonded and recently had to spend 6,000 bucks to get porcelain laminates because the bonding over so many years had to get redone and just destroyed my teeth. It has been so painful for me to learn how to take care of myself and I have to force myself every day.

#11 Apr 4 - 9PM (Reply to #8)

Arwen

and..

most important, I lived as a girl and woman for so many years who could have had an attractive smile or been thinner and more in shape. I felt so bad about myself my whole life even up until now. It's amazing how a new set of teeth makes you smile and you feel beautiful. MOTHER FUCKERS took my whole life away from me, my confidence, my youth like every other girl has a chance at. I am seething.

#12 Apr 4 - 10PM (Reply to #10)

IncognitoBurrito

Patience

I experienced this same type of neglect. I had only been taken to the dentist once in my whole life, until I went myself, in my 20's. I just got lucky with that, as my teeth are perfectly fine and normal. Although, I did brush a little hard, and grind my teeth a lot, from stress. However, my face is scarred from years upon years of untreated acne breakouts. My mother had severe pock marks, and I think she wanted me to have them, too. I had to figure out on my own that I needed a combination of the right birth control to help with my hormones, and the right topical medication. Over the past 5-6 years, my skin keeps getting clearer and smoother. I'm less embarrassed to go outside without make-up now, which is huge. Turns out my skin isn't like my mother's at all. As the layers of scarring continue to fade, it just gets better. But I suffered a LOT, needlessly, because it went untreated. It was just another way she could feel better about herself, via keeping me down. Pathetic!

#13 Apr 4 - 9PM (Reply to #9)

ifinallygotit

My N mother hates my ex N boyfriend

She was violent and mean and she rages against how he wronged me now. I just listen quietly knowing that she conditioned me to accept abuse as normal. i will get past this cycle! She wants me to just hate him with no appreciation for the grieving process or loss of a long love.

#14 Apr 4 - 9PM (Reply to #4)

ifinallygotit

N mothers

I moved out at age 17 and never lived with her again once I had a choice. I had a nice father though, but absent workaholic. Basically no parenting, ran free and did no homework. Luckily was a good student but would have been seriously screwed if I had not been, as no one ever knew what grade I was in, what classes, or if I even had homework. I only got attention if I did not get high grades - they were expected. Nowadays, I would have been kicked out of school for not doing homework. I became an educator and help kids with learning problems... I had no discipline what so ever. i battle this now and can be really lazy or hyper productive and high achieving - i go back and forth... i still wish I had some nurturing. One of my prior boyfriends had an elderly sister who was kind and the closest I ever felt to getting any. I needed my Ex N way too much. He had a big family and hundreds of friends - huge support system - I have a normal number of friends but little family - one unsupportive sister and N mom.

#15 Apr 4 - 9PM (Reply to #5)

IncognitoBurrito

Finally

Oh yes! I understand that feeling! I've had to cut my entire family off, because the unhealthy dynamic was pervasive throughout. I haven't spoken with any of them in years, because I'll just get sucked back into cult-like weirdness. I'm still suffering from PTSD. Nightmares, you name it. Now, all I really have are a handful of friends, my husband, and his brother, and mother. But that's not a complaint. These people are actually there for me, and vice versa. They're very supportive and loving. I feel blessed, if not a little undeserving. I'm horribly undisciplined. It's hard for me to keep the faith long enough to follow through with most things. I just give up. I did horribly in school. I was just there, so I didn't have to be at home. Yet when I was there, all I was thinking about was what I'd go home to, or what happened that week. I never knew what it'd be like, from day to day. I just knew it'd be different shades of bad. I'd get grounded for poor grades, too. But I never received any HELP for it, so they never improved, and I'd continually get grounded. It made no sense. I just felt bad all the time, without it actually going anywhere from there.

#16 Apr 4 - 10PM (Reply to #6)

ifinallygotit

burrito - family

Glad you have the support now - I am feeling pretty lonely even though I have enough friends - its the lack of family that freaks me out. I felt too guilty to cut off my crazy elderly N mother completely so I just did not give her my home phone number so she cannot harass me. i call her once a week since she is old.

#17 Apr 4 - 7PM

ifinallygotit

Yes its hard for me

I had an overbearing N mother who did everything for me, taught me nothing, tried to infantilize me (though I fought it). I did not know how to take care of myself, wash my clothes, cook etc. My first boyfriend was older and a nice guy (though alcoholic) and he taught me many of the things a parent should have done when i was in my early 20's - i am still very dependent in a relationship and my ex N assumed a parenting role with me too - he did most the of the cooking and cleaning (Yes, there were nice things about him!!) and generally called the shots "you should be doing this or that with your car etc". I am comfortable being bossed around and I still struggle with making my own doctor appointments etc. I felt socially inept from having a mother who was so screwed up. I have dental issues now from her not making sure I took care of my teeth as kid and I avoid taking care of it and resent her for this (luckily smile is ok - its in the back). As a teen, I was cute and vain as young girls can be, but I did not do any of the creams and beauty routines that all my friends did because i had no idea how. No one ever spent any time teaching me anything about being a woman. I also was an athletic tom boy (did not know how to do my hair and neither did my mother) so really only by luck that I looked attractive enough to have a normal social life because I was skill-less. I tried hard to catch up in my 20's but still feel less adult than other people with good self-care habits. My ex N was an excellent housekeeper, cook and totally self-sufficient, (except needing the ego stroke constantly). We had weird dynamics for sure...

#18 Apr 4 - 6PM

stillnotconvinced

I have always had a hard time

I have always had a hard time taking care of myself regarding those things. A large part of that I think is because my sibling was and still very much is the golden child. I have had low self esteem ever since I hit puberty (I'm in my mid 30s). When I met the narc, I thought he was the answer to everything that was wrong in my life. But as in another thread here suggests about how we felt about our narcs, I also didn't like him nor did I really love him. But I did almost worship him but at the same time couldn't stand the way he treated me.

Path Forward Buy Now Reviews
All About Her Buy Now Reviews
All About Him Buy Now Reviews