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I have to ask...

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#1 Jan 8 - 7PM
FUMB
FUMB's picture

I have to ask...

I've been pretty strong this week-- the last night we spent together was almost 2 weeks ago and I saw him for a second 4 days ago when he stopped by to drop off money he owed me (of course he was short some of it!). Anyway, as most of us do... I just keep replaying our relationship over and over and over in my mind. See, my exN was married "but separated"... I was convinced that his wife was this control freak who gave him an allowance, a curfew and had to know all the passwords to his email accounts. I thought, wow, what a nut she was. But, now... I wonder- did she do all that bc she had been suspicious of him all along? They were (still are) married for 16 years!!! She knew about me, but I have a feeling she was told it was a quick fling and it ended. She didn't realize that we have been seeing each other for 9 months. He told me they recently went to family counseling with their kids and the counselor asked if they were definitely getting divorced and my exN said he was shocked when she said that she wasn't sure. He said that he told her "Yes we are". Now, I'm thinking that he may be just stringing her along for NS when he wasn't getting it from me all this time. I know I sound like a fool and I am so embarrassed that I fell for his BS and put up with it. So, I'm thinking... if he was intent on leaving her for good (which he told me he 100% was and he wasn't in love with her and wasn't attracted to her, etc) why hasn't he filed? He said he wanted her to file bc he didn't want to look like the bad guy to his kids (omg, as I write this I am realizing what an idiot i've been to believe all his shit). I guess, I'm thinking if she is still under the impression that they have a chance, not knowing that he had a full fledged relationship with me the past 9 months, and now he's been on match.com for the past month... should i reach out and tell her, warn her? I know i'd look like i was trying to get revenge, but honestly... he is so sick and the thought of him manipulating anyone else sickens me. He TOLD me he cheated on her with 5 other women throughout their marriage... what a PIG!!!!! Do I send her a letter exposing him or let it rest? This forum makes me feel like women need to stick together and I know that I'd want to know... but I need your advice. Thanks~

Jan 8 - 9PM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

FUMB

Strong Women Eh? Not. Yes, I have a husband he has no idea. I was all set to leave him for this Nice guy. Read my story. My Narc pursued and pursued. He always said I was the strongest woman he knows. Its probably true. I can deal with anything. That was his plan, his game. This guy has taken me down, but only temporally. If I didn't have a past with him I would have kept walking,Of that Im sure. He really is a loser. I have everything he can only dream of. I have a great job, I live an expensive life style, well traveled educated,get along well with people. I also think once he figured out I was superior to him he freaked out. He Lives in NYC, I chicago. Yes, NYC is a great city but its not the only city. Looking back he would always put me down. One time I remember, I saw a photo of his stupid dog sitting out side the doors of Tori Berch, I said " I love Tori Berch" He couldn't believe i knew who that was. Let alone recognize the doors of the shop. So weird. I also think he saw my paycheck stub in my purse and he couldn't stand it. What a tool. He was no longer King! I sit her today and think back. What a stupid girl I was. I still miss the Nice him, a lot, but I will never speak to him again. What he did to me twice is unforgivable. If I ever speak to him all of this, Who would be the real fool?? Stand Strong. don't let him win. Idealk
Jan 8 - 9PM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

FUMB

Strong Women Eh? Not. Yes, I have a husband he has no idea. I was all set to leave him for this Nice guy. Read my story. My Narc pursued and pursued. He always said I was the strongest woman he knows. Its probably true. I can deal with anything. That was his plan, his game. This guy has taken me down, but only temporally. If I didn't have a past with him I would have kept walking,Of that Im sure. He really is a loser. I have everything he can only dream of. I have a great job, I live an expensive life style, well traveled educated,get along well with people. I also think once he figured out I was superior to him he freaked out. He Lives in NYC, I chicago. Yes, NYC is a great city but its not the only city. Looking back he would always put me down. One time I remember, I saw a photo of his stupid dog sitting out side the doors of Tori Berch, I said " I love Tori Berch" He couldn't believe i knew who that was. Let alone recognize the doors of the shop. So weird. I also think he saw my paycheck stub in my purse and he couldn't stand it. What a tool. He was no longer King! I sit her today and think back. What a stupid girl I was. I still miss the Nice him, a lot, but I will never speak to him again. What he did to me twice is unforgivable. If I ever speak to him all of this, Who would be the real fool?? Stand Strong. don't let him win. Idealk
Jan 8 - 10PM (Reply to #8)
FUMB
FUMB's picture

Im in Chicago, too! Maybe

Im in Chicago, too! Maybe we could meet for coffee or you could help me deflate the air in his tires or egg his truck? I kid... (kind of). I know in my head that he was dating "up" when he was with me (gosh, does that sound conceited!). I have a good job, too, great family, in grad school, etc. If he had been randomly walking down the street I would NOT have looked twice at him. He's very simple, like the nicest restaurant he's been to has a drive-thru, and his favorite TV show is Joe the Exterminator! His childhood was royally effed up, he hates his parents, and is an alcoholic. Ok, now I feel like the loser for falling for him!!!!! At least I'm laughing!
Jan 8 - 10PM (Reply to #9)
Hunter
Hunter's picture

FUMB

Sure Ill help you, I have some Rotten eggs in the fridge. Yes, we can meet up. Happy and Helldweller are here too. I am going to Paris next week but when I get back I m up for getting together. I live in the Northern Suburbs LF. No you are not conceded. I think these guys try to find someone better than them. They get pleasure in taking us down. Its very sick! Get on the other site so we can get personal. TEEHEE!!!! I will reveal my identity. I am "BAT MAN" Idealk
Jan 8 - 9PM
Briseis
Briseis's picture

Yeah, ask Michelle about how

Yeah, ask Michelle about how these things work out :P The best and most difficult thing to do is to let it all go. Yes I said hard but BEST. She already knows everything, hon. That's why she gives him an allowance and monitors his emails. She has known about him all along. And, apparently chooses to stay with him for reasons that make sense to her. YOU are the one just figuring all this out. Don't think for a second a person who has been with him for the last 16 years is needing you to fill her in :( Time to turn the focus back to yourself. You'll find this very difficult to do, at first. Get it ALL out. Tell the story here, over and over if you need to :). Get it out until it's gone, and that takes as long as it takes. In the meantime, it could be worse. You could be his wife, devoting your life and precious time and energy to watchdogging your husband.
Jan 8 - 9PM
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

FUMB

Short and sweet - Stay out of it...period. Work on YOU... Let this man go. You know all you have to know - he cheated on her with five women. If she keeps him, you are ahead of the game. If she divorces him, she's safe. Either way, it's about you not them.
Jan 8 - 9PM (Reply to #5)
FUMB
FUMB's picture

thank you, thank you thank

thank you, thank you thank you. i do kind of feel like i have a guardian angel or something bc i was only caught up in this for 9 months and it could of been much much longer. you all rock! i so appreciate you snapping me back to my senses!
Jan 8 - 8PM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Nope its all about you.

Nope its all about you. SHe's had him for 18 yrs. If she is stupid enough to put up with it its her problem. She wont believe you anyway. He has made you look like a jerk to her. It's all you fault according to him. I've wanted to contact my N's OW but its really her problem. It sounds mean but in the end we will look like the crazy ones. Think about it. what did he say to you about her? Yep, she's a nut ,right? Funny you brought this up, today as I was driving I was going over all the things he said to me about all his ex gf. Excuse, excuse,excuse. Poor girls and poor me. These creatures are all the same and they make us ... well..... Nuts! Awesome, isn't it? Just give it time. You'll be ok. Im better, I still have my moments. Ride the wave with Us. Idealk
Jan 8 - 8PM (Reply to #2)
FUMB
FUMB's picture

Thanks idealk9NYC! You seem

Thanks idealk9NYC! You seem to be such a strong woman! I like that :) You are right-- I will probably look like the fool, but then I think of all the emails and texts that I have that are proof that he's a liar, cheater, and that he pursued me... and continued to pursue me. I always thought she was probably a good person, but a total control freak. NOW, I'm realizing she probably had a GOOD REASON to be a control freak... like she suspected he was the shady ahole that he is. I know I'm sad and feel used right now and want him to suffer- that's definitely part of it. I just can't imagine all he got away with now that I think about it. I'm having a moment... it just hit me that he literally went from obsessive in love with me (well not really!) one night to POOF gone the next. I don't want to still be pining over the loss of this relationship next year, or even next month. I want to move on, you know. I just feel stuck- I'm sure you do know! PS- did you say you and your H are still together?
Jan 8 - 11PM (Reply to #3)
Lisa E. Scott
Lisa E. Scott's picture

FUMB

Brisies is right, his wife knows but chooses to stay with him for whatever reason. Like you said: "I always thought she was probably a good person, but a total control freak. NOW, I'm realizing she probably had a GOOD REASON to be a control freak... like she suspected he was the shady ahole that he is. " Exactly. Be glad you found out in the first 9 months and didn't waste any more time on him. You deserve so much more! I'm in Chicago too as is Betty. We should all get together sometime soon!