I HATE Weak Days

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#1 Jun 17 - 9AM

trying2overcome

I HATE Weak Days

I totally hate the days that I feel weak and have some kind of twisted desire to hear from him. Why is that?? It's like I need some sort of validation that some part of it was real and that he loves me. It makes me feel as though I am as sick as he is!! Since I shot down his advance Tuesday I haven't heard anything out of him .. of course I wounded is Ego .. and other than a few short and to the point work related emails there has been nothing personal. My brain knows that is for the best but there is still something in my heart I suppose, that longs for some type of contact. I am SURE he is waiting for me to make the first move so he can shoot me down and say something horrible which is one thing that will prevent me from breaking the silence .. I couldn't stand what he would probably dish out. am I totally whack ??? I just feel sad today .. these moments are becoming fewer and further apart but they sure do hurt when they come!!!!

#2 Jun 17 - 11PM

helldweller

Keep no contact because you can

My narc beat me up and I filed a police report on him five weeks ago. He is a judge and lives literally two doors away from me. He built a house on our block for my daughters and I to live in after we got married, but he just decided we weren't going to do that and he was going to get a foster child instead. So on Tuesday night I was sitting in my back yard smoking a cigarette, and he and his foster child came home at 11:30, came out on his back deck, and he started taunting me: "Hi, baby. Why don't you come over? Oh, that's right. You don't have a KEY to the gate because I never gave you one. Well, that's okay. Because my SON and I are going into OUR house to go to bed. Sorry you don't have air conditioning. It's going to be hot tonight." Today, I was playing outside with my daughters and he came home with SIX garbage bags full of presents for his foster child's birthday--from his colleagues at work. He didn't come to my daughters' birthdays or even give them a card the last three years I've been with him. His colleagues never even knew we existed. He literally couldn't CARRY the presents his colleagues gave this child, and we were cordially UNinvited to the birthday party, even though my seven year old still calls the child her brother and sleeps with his picture under her pillow, because "dreaming about someone makes them come back." It's a complete nightmare, and I literally think about killing both of them sometimes. Be really, really happy your narc is at least a phone call away and you CAN avoid and ignore him. I have nothing else do do anymore. I called the newspapers, sent them the photos of my bruises and copies of the police report, and they are all in bed together so they ignored me. I can't afford to move, and just have to take it. He knows he won and there is nothing I can do. Ignoring his texts is nothing. He's got me right here to harass, and he loves it. Ignore, ignore, ignore. And be really happy you can.

#3 Jun 18 - 10AM (Reply to #17)

trying2overcome

My heart goes out to you

My heart goes out to you helldweller .. I can NOT imagine living that close. We work together but he is not in the office much and that is bad enough!! If I was a millionare I would send you the money to get you out of there!!!! I made the FATAL mistake today and talked to him .. It was legit at first .. about work .. but it lead to US. I am now sitting here hating myself because then the emails started and I have responded. uuuugh Since we have broke up he has continued to try and get me to work it out .. and he offers to go to counseling by himself and WITH me. agrees he has issues. Tells me he loves me and only me and that he is miserable without me. Is that normal for the N ?? When we are together .. he does nice things for me and is loving and doting on me almost constantly. Sometimes it feels like he is doing it more to make himself feel good than for me .. and he keeps score. So when we fight he always throws up the things he has done for me .. and he always thinks he has done more than I have. I guess because he is so loving its hard for me to wrap my brain around the fact that it can be a lie .. it is so confusing. The turmoil is always about "what I don't do" When I am giving it everything I have its not enough and he accuses me of withholding love and attention and I am thinking the whole time that there is nothing left to give so how can it not be enough. And so it goes I suppose .. I wish we had not been in the position to have to speak today ..and I let myself get sucked in and even told him that I loved him too when he told me .. and of course had began to cry before we hung up. I long for his love, but I know as soon as I would go back he would begin to make me feel like not enough again. I also could never get over that he has just moved from person to person and been with God knows how many other women. It makes me sick and I would never trust him again. I would always feel he was seeking other attention. Is it typical for them to admit fault and continue to try and woo you back and tell you how much they love you? I guess some do and some don't .. I know alot of you say yours can go without contact. Mine can't seem to. I am so whack I have thought about hynosis to take away the feelings I have for him!!! lol

#4 Jun 18 - 9AM (Reply to #16)

Happy1

helldweller

I feel for you living so close to your N. I can't even imagine how hard that is for you. Too bad you can't get a 10 foot fence so you can't see him.

#5 Jun 17 - 11PM (Reply to #15)

Janet

That is just a brutal

That is just a brutal situation, you really have my sympathy. You are right, if we have the option to avoid, ignore and be forgotten we should remember that is a huge blessing. Best of luck to you. Peace. J

Peace. J

#6 Jun 17 - 11PM (Reply to #14)

Janet

That is just a brutal

Peace. J

#7 Jun 17 - 6PM

Introspection

Hello Trying...

Not sure if you have read the "cognitive dissonance and obsessional thoughts" posted on this website @ http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2009/03/20/cognitive-dissonance-obsessional-thoughts. This information really spoke to my feelings and I was better able to understand why I sometimes grew weak. I now control my thoughts, everytime he comes to mind, I replace the thought with others. I think many of us "romantice" our love life and I blame the "love movies". I continued to communicate with my XN and still do even 3 year later. Now that I know that he does not have the ability to love and now that I know Narc Talk, I can see right through him...so empty! I miss the "love" that I wish to have with my life partner. At one point, I thought it was him and this is what I think many of us are confused about. We want to find our "love" and don't necessarily want our XNs back! Hope you feel better soon!

#8 Jun 17 - 6PM

sher1221

weak here too

Trying to overcome; Don't feel alone. I too am feeling weak. A part of me waiting for a text from him tonight. Thinking like you that maybe he does feel something for me, and also like you never starting the contact because it is like taking the bait. They are waiting for us to be weak were they can get a jab in. I just feel emotionlly defeated right now. hang in there surely this gets better.

#9 Jun 17 - 6PM (Reply to #11)

Steph

feeling emotionally defeated

feeling emotionally defeated and weak...yet you are still managing to not act on it and make contact with him. That takes STRENGTH. Hang in there.

#10 Jun 17 - 1PM

smileyfacepr

I still

feel I want him to contact me and its been 1 yr, thats the hardest part. I dont contact him beacuse I dont want to be back at square 1 and if he treats me indifferent or like shit then what am I gonna do? No, No, NO, no matter how much Id love to hear from him I will not contact him Out of all the stories here NOT 1 has said anything positive about breaking NC...I rather stick it out till its over!!! I will not give him my power again. STARVE THE VAMPIRE!!! and they truly r vampires..thank God they dont have a conscience or they wouldnt be able to live with themselves!!!

smileyfacepr

#11 Jun 17 - 2PM (Reply to #2)

rainbow1

smileyfacepr

You are right. There is not one good story about breaking NC. I think that this is because we know what they are now. There is no good outcome from breaking NC. I broke it and he was nice to me and wanted to hang out! And I felt worse! Either outcome is not what we want. If I didnt know what he was I would have been happy, but knowing what he is makes me sick that he was nice. It shows he has no source of supply right now and I am being used. Before I would think he misses me and really loves me and made a mistake, but I now know that is not the case. Him being nice or mean if you break NC will leave you feeling worse than you do right now.

_______________________________________________
"dont let yesterday take up too much of today"

#12 Jun 17 - 2PM (Reply to #3)

smileyfacepr

I think we all want or wanted

for them to come running back to us telling us how much they love us, how great we r, and how they cant live w/o us and what a big mistake they made and for them to be sincere about it!! I still havent heard a happy ending story here! I really dont think they give us a second thought, so hard to say that but I think if we pop into their minds, they think "yeah she was so good to me" and then we r erased again w/o another thought! They just dont care!!! NC is the only way!!

smileyfacepr

#13 Jun 17 - 7PM (Reply to #4)

hitandrun

Agreed

I have fantasized about him coming back and confessing it was all a big mistake. It's tough when you really loved who you thought he was and you mean nothing to them. Don't know if you ever truly wrap your mind around it. That's why NC is the prescription...but that is SOOO easy because he will NEVER contact me. If I had a way to erase him from my mind, I would. Today I had about an hour of missing him and started the crying thing. But you have to keep moving forward...the other choice would mean he won. And this is one game that player IS NOT GOING TO WIN. That means he's a LOSER : )

#14 Jun 17 - 10PM (Reply to #5)

smileyfacepr

losers

They r losers all of them..they let us wonderful, intelligent,giving,caring women who loved them go so easily!! LOSERS!!!!!!!!

smileyfacepr

#15 Jun 18 - 9AM (Reply to #8)

helldweller

Losers

My seven year old and ten year old literally do that "L"thing when they see the N. He says, "Hi, girls" and they make the "L" on their foreheads and say, "Hi, LOSER!" If it wasn't so heartbreaking it would be funny.

#16 Jun 18 - 10AM (Reply to #9)

hitandrun

helldweller...losers

Your girls are pretty smart! I know it is heartbreaking. And it is horrible that he lives so close. Even though he has material success, he really is a LOSER. Your girls are learning early...hopefully they won't make the same mistakes we did and get hooked up with freaks.

#17 Jun 17 - 10PM (Reply to #6)

hitandrun

Yep, Losers

With big fat "L's" on their foreheads : )

#18 Jun 17 - 10PM (Reply to #7)

smileyfacepr

LMAO

LMFAO!!!

smileyfacepr

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