I hate myself

A few days of contact with exN few weeks ago and I been a wreck. I never made one on one with Goldie like I needed to....why am I afraid to do that ? I am in denial still even after all this time of being no contact and then a few days of contact .... I am living in past and I afraid to face the reality because it was so painful and hard last time and I spiraling out of control again. He doesn't want me , doesn't care, has me blocked , said sweetest things to suck me back in just enuff to want more....then just turned on me and said hurtful things that I can't seem to shake. I feel again it's all my fault, I not good enuff, he threw in my face he has another and mocked me for living in the past and said I had too many issues. It's like I want to be with him even though I know it's not healthy and even knowing I will be hurt, but dealing with the reality of my mistake and my weakness is far more hurtful. I screwed up so badly and I have to re- do all the hard work I had done going no contact. I really don't want to let go...never did really. It's so bizarre the hold I allow him to have on me. I am barely functioning. Severe distress. Not suicidal. Just feel nothing n want to do nothing n just completely obsessive over exN. I am so scared. Just huge pity party. I think I afraid of one on one because a lot will come out about me....and then knowing I have issues I will keep in my mind that's that's why it didn't work for exN and I...because if my issues, which he always said. Thanks for listening. I feel like a complete failure. I never accepted his illusion was not real.....he is sooooooo good at keeping up the charade for others it's hard not to believe he's not real. He has me so brainwashed still that I punishing myself for demise of anything we could have had in past. Thank u. Go easy on me at least for tonight. Thanks.