I had a conversation with myself today

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#1 Sep 21 - 5PM

Anonymous (not verified)

I had a conversation with myself today

After my neighbor told me a number of people knew he was the town whore, and was surprised I had no clue, I became very angry again. I did a lot of reading on the net and abused a few CL narcs anonymously called them out...but really wanted to give my little narc an earful. I have completed as of this past Sunday one week of no contact. I wanted to write a letter but knew that it would fall on deaf ears...he can't feel or empathize and I wasn't looking for closure, just another opportunity to tell him what of POS I thought he was...somehow to validate that I KNOW what he is...go figure...such a conundrum. But I did come to a place this afternoon where I realize that at this point, NO I DON'T LOVE HIM. I've accepted that it was all an illusion. THAT HE INTENTIONALLY TARGETED ME. I remember how he would look at me almost like a wolf and I thought it was all about sedution?...whatever, I came to the point where I see I was a victim. I don't want to be in the victim mode forever, but I feel it is important for me to accept that, lick my wounds and move on. I know I will have ups and downs, but today marked a pivotal moment for me in that I realize that as of today, I DON'T LOVE HIM ANYMORE. What I am connected to now is emotional hurt. Pain. The sense of being knocked off balance by the fact that I really cannot imagine how predatory not only him, but HUMANS can be. I could never imagine this type of behavior. So, now I am connected to the hurt/pain of this experience, NOT HIM. Wondering what some healthy steps are to move past that. Anyone?

#2 Sep 23 - 2PM

blueeyes

I was off to a great start.

I WAS strong, determimed, planned my escape and I only had a few emotional days. I am not as positive anymore. Ugh. I have neck pain SEVERE from strain? Who knows. I need a break from all of it. Was? IDK? WHAT HAPPENED? Keep up the healthy STEPS! Your all great. I will come back when I am stronger. I feel so weak and there is no more energy to even type. Talk to you all soon. Michelle I gave betty my email, she will get back to you when she has time.

#3 Sep 23 - 3PM (Reply to #14)

Alive

Take care

and be strong, thinking of you x

#4 Sep 23 - 3PM (Reply to #12)

michele115 (not verified)

Okay Blue

Stay Strong

#5 Sep 23 - 7PM (Reply to #13)

blueeyes

:(

Thank you :(

#6 Sep 21 - 8PM

almostlydia

I don't think you could have

I don't think you could have said it more exact. I know what you're saying so well. I feel as tho I have had the biggest disappointment in life itself, that such a sacred thing could be used so callously. The damage of that feels as thou it has truly broken my spirit. It is a great moment when you realize that you will never go back - for real this time. What comes afterwards is the next hard part. Thank you for saying it so well. This could exactly be my words, except I reached that conclusion some months ago. It is truly a struggle on many levels. Stay determined. almostlydia

almostlydia

#7 Sep 21 - 6PM

faithinthefuture

michelle115

I told him to get the f out of my house and cried like a wild animal never thinking i would be able to function again and then the call from the doctor came. He gave me an STD and at that moment I STOPPED LOVING HIM! Ironic the call came on April Fools Day. i wish it was a joke. I have went thru extensive testing and meds & I am going to be fine. I want NOTHING to do with him! the thought of him makes my skin crawl! EWWWWWW! but like you I have the hurt the pain trying to understand wtf happened to me. I too need healthy steps to move on. If I'm busy he doesn't cross my mind but if I have any idle time...driving to/from work, some nights, a lot of weekends...he enters my head & then I get that lost empty feeling. Especially since I know he's moved on & doesn't have a fricking thought to what he did.

#8 Sep 21 - 7PM (Reply to #2)

michele115 (not verified)

Sorry to hear

That the crumbmudgeon left a parting gift, but glad to hear that overall your health is okay. I pretty much did the same thing, threw him out, it's been since May, but official absolute no contact one week this past Sunday. So, it's been a while, and I'm still getting over things; however, I know I don't want him back, don't ever want to see him, essentially wrote him off as dead in my mind, I don't care who he's with, how many, women, men, animals...don't care BUT...I've been wounded and it's the pain that is a problem. This is compounded by the fact that I can see why I would fall for him, and the dysfunction with my upbringing is coming to a head. Even tonight, I can so clearly now see what a manipulator my mother is and so it becomes difficult because I am now VERY IN TUNE with her tactics and she shifts blame, and it's like the abuse all over again, and I feel really strong, but the dysfunctional ones around me are resisiting my change. I really don't care what they think because it is about MY SURVIVAL, and shoot, I sound like a narc myself, but seriously, right now I have to be selfish to get out of the rabbit hole and so I am taking steps, I start therapy tomorrow with someone new...hope she's good because I really want to do some serious work. But I guess this is an issue where I have to let time take it's course. I'm kinda looking forward to the work and cleansing myself of all the toxins...AN EMOTIONAL ENEMA...LMAO...but when you go through something like this, you kind of end up a bit paranoid about people's motivations...you can smell the bullshit a mile away...I guess it's part of the process. I don't really want to be around people, it's wierd, but sorta like, I'm trying to avoid negative energy...and I'm not into metaphysics or anything, but feel that this time of solitude is essential...although I'm on this board like 24/7. I do feel however, that today was progress, and I am noticing that while not up, I'm not spiraling up and down as radically. I felt really conscious of my impulse today...I craved calling or sending a missive, but I controled myself. Well, thanks for listening...it's a so so day, nothing great but really nothing horrible to complain about either.

#9 Sep 23 - 9AM (Reply to #9)

faithinthefuture

Oh Michelle

an emotional enema has me laughing my ass off! :-) I guess this is like the after shock of an earthquake. the damage has been done and then little things start to hit us in the face that we have to keep dealing with every day. I too have become paranoid about other people's intentions and what's coming out of their mouths. I don't trust right now and I am watching out for myself and following my instincts and I'll be damned if i will ever go thru this again. My father was a narc and even tho I was the only child who stood up to him I was always looking for his approval. When I think about the xN i don't think about the good times I concentrate on knowing now it was a lie. And when I picture him I see him as a liar a cheater a manipulator a user. not just to me but to anyones path he crosses. He's soo fake! Ewww! and dirty and low! Yuck! Yes the aftermath of pain and hurt and wtf are something I deal with every day but now it's not about what he did it's about how i won't let him back into my life ever or let this happen again. And if i have to be a hard ass for while to get my strengh back then so be it. I still get angry at him and his mom. she & I were friends and I sent her an email after I got the call from the doc. she has never acknowledged it. she is no longer welcome in my life either. I am ridding my life of toxic people. I want to see the beauty in life and start to enjoy it again.

#10 Sep 21 - 7PM (Reply to #3)

anonymous

Totally on Same Wavelength Michele

Especially the part about your mother. Mine lived with us until three weeks ago. Her moving out has been a huge burden lifted. And I can see through her BW now too. I assumed I was attracted to N-Boy because I thought he reminded me of my Dad but in reality, he's my mother all over again.

#11 Sep 23 - 8AM (Reply to #4)

Used

morty

he's my mother all over again.ditto ditto. i married my dad and then had an emotional affair with my narc....who was my mother in male form. and the excacttly the same results at the end, diffrent faces... same outcome... no more thank god..... i dont love them any more, i am indiffrent to them all...

#12 Sep 23 - 1PM (Reply to #5)

Meadowbrook

just the opposite

Used, I've realized I married my mother and had an affair with a narc like my father. It's SO messed up!

#13 Sep 23 - 1PM (Reply to #6)

Used

meadowbrook

talk about keep it in the family, my narc was my mother, but to look at was my older brother and my husband... the mind boggles

#14 Sep 23 - 1PM (Reply to #7)

Meadowbrook

here's another one for you

My narc was like my father in personality and in body type, but he looks like my husband in the face. I look like his wife. Yes, the mind DOES boggle. LOL!

#15 Sep 23 - 2PM (Reply to #8)

Used

and another

myex looked and had the charm of my dad[lol], but now the ex looks like n...wtf, and i have 2 brothers 1 i realy thought alot of, the older brother i wasent so keen on. yet noone i have ever been involved with ever looked like or was like my loved brother... a member of my family said i only get involved with people i dont like? b/c i was bought up not to like myself and can only relate to beign treated this way.... but here is the punchline. i apparently get involved with peopleiknow it wouldnt last with. when i pointed out i was with myexh for over 30years ,she said yeah cos you had kids, and wasent going to do to them what your mother done to you[gave me up]..could have a point as soon as our last child left... i divorced him.. freud would have had a field day with methe people i realy like , i dont get involved with, sounds strange as i see them but they are realy nice women, when i suggested maybe seeing more of them ,they both said[and they dont know each other]... they would bore me to death... they said it not me, i am only used to abuse.... no more though. ive grown up and see what destructive thinking it has all been...oh just to add iam the one who when i am done i am done.. the only narc i never left was my dad who in his70,s was dying of cancer so visited him all the time... you see even tho he was what he was ... i know at some level he had loved me altho i had never lived with him, he always had stayed in touch with me... he didnt like me as i became an adult, but so what he loved me once....so i guess i paid my due,s to him... my mother was ill at the same time and i said no i wasent interested in her.. thats given me a bit of insight into my self.... if on any level someone ever showed me love... then yes i would pay my due,s.... dad died, i didnt shed a tear in fact i rarely think of him... i have rambled on

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