I got to get a grip!!

Soo today I decided to go out to the mall with my lovely daughter, for some much needed bonding time with her, since she wouldnt want to hang out with me & Narky who was on my ass 24/7. She resented him, loathed him perhaps. So we are standing in the clothes store, as she is shopping away, happily. I hear this lady talking about HER wonderful relationship, as tears well up in my eyes. I remember talking about my so called love that way, or the last time I was at this mall , was recently for his bday, I bought him a nice expensive watch. So, my heart was breaking apart, so my daughter lost her ring in the dressing room and I made a comment to her about being careless (she is a teen, and can be pretty careless) and she reacted rudely to me, I BLEW UP ON HER like the narc did to me- I threw a bag across the mall and slapped her in the mouth, for mouthing off to me. I broke down in tears, why was I being such a rage?? I hate this so much, she sat in tears and I was screaming. Now I believe this is misdirected anger, and she didnt deserve how I acted. i apologized insanely, but she was too hurt. I am SO ANGRY at myself, is this going to pass??? Dear God, I dont want to be abusive, or a narc..or anything like that. I called a therapist, but people are so flaky here they never call back. :( I am so sad, angry, I cried all the way home. She did express understanding with what I am going through, and she told me "Mommy, I couldnt go through what you did, he is so wrong for not even saying goodbye, or an apology for terrorizing our lives for some many years , I am proud of you for staying away"

this made my heart so happy, but I feel like a disgusting asshole for what I did, and how I acted. I am starting to hate myself, I hate him so much for making me hate myself. I know I cant just blame him BUT I swear I never hate myself before HIM!

I am not doing well, I almost wanted to break NC tonight, cuz I felt I deserved his abuse.

THIS is a nightmare. I want to be myself again, I do not like this new angry person. Will it pass, what do I do??? I am afraid I will blow up on anyone, and land myself in jail :( :(

SSM