I freaking did it!

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#1 Apr 25 - 5AM
helldweller
helldweller's picture

I freaking did it!

I go through one entire holiday without contacting him in any way, shape or form! Easter has always been a point of contention for us. The first year, when we had just started dating, he told me he had to work. I had just met him and didn't know that judges only work for about an hour when they have a weekend assignment, so he left at 9am and made it seem he was going to be gone all day. So I went on my merry way to my mom's all day and brought him a plate back to heat up for him. His house was dark until 10pm. He claimed it had been "a really busy day" and I felt so sorry for him. I found out a couple of months ago that he had spent the whole day with his family and the one of the other women, having brunch downtown with friends in the morning and dinner at his brother's house later. Before coming home, they'd stopped off to have sex.

The next year, he promised to come to my mom's house and blew me off one hour before. I was so excited, as Easter is the holiday my mom always has, and my forty relatvies come over and we have so much fun. At noon I called and said, "We'll leave in about a half hour" and he said, "I'm not going. My family's coming over. You're welcome to come, too." He always made this huge deal about saying "MY FAMILY" like he had to say it out loud to make sure everyone knew he had one. So his brother and his girlfriend, his younger brother and his brother's ex wife came over to his one bedroom apartment and they all got drunk. No apologies at all. In fact, he made me feel guilty by saying, "Everyone asked where you were. I felt so stupid because I was the only one alone." Unimaginable.

Last year, I raised holy Hell about it, demanding that he include us in Easter. So we had to meet him and his child at the brother's house "because there's not enough room in the car." He always made a point of saying there wasnit enough room for my daughters and me, in the car, in the house, wherever. Anyway, we show up and everyone is distant with me, cold. I can't figure it out. The narc is clearly agitated and follows around the girlfriend and me, who are talking quietly in other rooms. Food made by the babysitter, who doesn't speak to me or my girls, shows up on the table and I freak out. "Why? why? Why?" I demand. The narc said, "Everyone hates her, baby. Just eat the food."

So I bite my tongue and play along. About an hour later, while it's thundering and lighting, we get ready to drive home because it's late and there's school the next day. The narc doesn't even get up to walk us to the door, let alone to the car. Doesn't say be safe or call me when you get home. He is too busy kissing his foster child on the lips and saying "I love you."

My daughters say, "This was the worst Easter ever. Please don't make us go there again."

So this weekend I got him a card and wrote it out, I made an Easter basekt for his kid. I had a pot of tulips, which he loves, to leave on his stoop. I composed texts, emails, notes. Some said, "I love you and miss you" and some said, "Gee, I sometimes thing I wish it was last year and we were together, but then I rememeber you screwed her the night before and it kind of ruins it" but I threw out and deleted everything. I literally would look at the card and think, "This is food for a monster" and rip it up. Or look at the basket and think, "This child is already spoiled beyond belief. This will only make it worse and give the narc a chance to roll his eyes at his brother and say, "It's from crazy woman number ten. ha. ha ha."

So I dumped it all, deleted everything, put on a beautiful dress and self tanner, did my hair and makeup, put on my highest heels, and took my daughters to my mom's, cooked, entertained, laughed, cleaned up, brought them home, took a bath, curled up with a glass of wine, and went to bed. No, it wasn't the best Easter ever, but you know what? Even though I didn't get to be ME and be nice and offer peace despite what he did to us, I actually feel better. I held that card in my hand and thought, "Helldweller, do not do this. Do not hurt yourself any more." It was really, really hard.

I wrote last week that giving up on them is like pulling the plug on someone in a coma. You keep hoping they will wake up. The doctors say, "Keep talking to him. He may be able to hear you." So you sit with him and you keep telling him you love him, that you won't leave him, that it's going to be okay, and you tell yourself every night and every day and year after year that it's going to come out ok one day. And then you realize you can't live like this anymore, that the person who is probably already dead is killing you, too. That your whole life has become sitting by his side, that your children are neglected and you job and your home, and all sorts of other people that really need you.

As someone on here said, "The difference is that the person in the coma is innocent."

Yes.

Apr 25 - 5PM
onwithmylife
onwithmylife's picture

helldweller

I was reading your post and thinking omg,. she is going to go over and give the creep some nice things and then read on and you decided NOT TO, thank God, and instead went to your mothers. GREAT, he is such a lowlife, and I thought many times you are getting stronger each da,y so was initially surprised to read the early parts. you are kinda alike me, we hate to give up and walk away, but after 2 years for me, I am finally doing so, with no looking back, he is truly a lost soul and a lost cause.
Apr 25 - 3PM
Veronrose
Veronrose's picture

Helldweller, I have four

Helldweller, I have four words for you.....THAT IS FRIGGIN AWESOME!!!!!! I think your N is one of the worst of the bunch....just a bad seed...frigging bastard. You rock girl!! ((hugs)) Veronrose
Apr 25 - 12PM
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

((Helldweller)))!!! That was BEAUTIFUL!

I love it and you know what...YOU did make a PEACE OFFERING, with YOURSELF. I get completely what a challenge yesterday was back and forth in the head...but do you know how significant it was to fight that urge to once again "be the bigger person?" We don't always have to be the bigger person, or the better person...sometimes what we need is peace and to feel good about ourselves. I loved hearing you putting on your high heels and going to family's house despite it all...YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL! AND you are going to KICK this bad habit! Hugs!
Apr 25 - 11AM
spinning
spinning's picture

HD, I am so

proud of you and happy for you. How insightful and thoughtful for you to realize that the gifts would be "food for a monster." I believe you are choosing yourself and your happiness, your not going to involve yourself in chaos, drama, abuse and pain ANY MORE. I know it's very difficult for you but this is a game-changer! Good for you! Keep those high heels handy! Now that you're off of the disordered one, I imagine you'll be catching some eyes without even trying and GREAT THINGS will come to you on all levels. (I don't mean we all need a man to feel good, I'm just saying that once free of the disordered one, we actually change...get lighter, happier and people notice that!). Great work, HD. I am so happy for you. big hugs from (not) spinning (at least for today and it feels GREAT!!!)

spinning

Apr 25 - 6AM
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

Yes. Helldweller thats why I

Yes. Helldweller thats why I have finally gone for help. The people that need me the most are being neglected which I am sure is what he probably wants. Good for you. This whole thing has been the worst thing of my entire life and its been going on for 20 f ing years. Yes I had a break from it but not really its always been there underneath the surface waiting for the right time to rear its ugly head and it did. I prayed and prayed during Church yesterday for peace from this for peace for all of us. No one should have to endure this pain.