I freaking did it!
I freaking did it!
I go through one entire holiday without contacting him in any way, shape or form! Easter has always been a point of contention for us. The first year, when we had just started dating, he told me he had to work. I had just met him and didn't know that judges only work for about an hour when they have a weekend assignment, so he left at 9am and made it seem he was going to be gone all day. So I went on my merry way to my mom's all day and brought him a plate back to heat up for him. His house was dark until 10pm. He claimed it had been "a really busy day" and I felt so sorry for him. I found out a couple of months ago that he had spent the whole day with his family and the one of the other women, having brunch downtown with friends in the morning and dinner at his brother's house later. Before coming home, they'd stopped off to have sex.
The next year, he promised to come to my mom's house and blew me off one hour before. I was so excited, as Easter is the holiday my mom always has, and my forty relatvies come over and we have so much fun. At noon I called and said, "We'll leave in about a half hour" and he said, "I'm not going. My family's coming over. You're welcome to come, too." He always made this huge deal about saying "MY FAMILY" like he had to say it out loud to make sure everyone knew he had one. So his brother and his girlfriend, his younger brother and his brother's ex wife came over to his one bedroom apartment and they all got drunk. No apologies at all. In fact, he made me feel guilty by saying, "Everyone asked where you were. I felt so stupid because I was the only one alone." Unimaginable.
Last year, I raised holy Hell about it, demanding that he include us in Easter. So we had to meet him and his child at the brother's house "because there's not enough room in the car." He always made a point of saying there wasnit enough room for my daughters and me, in the car, in the house, wherever. Anyway, we show up and everyone is distant with me, cold. I can't figure it out. The narc is clearly agitated and follows around the girlfriend and me, who are talking quietly in other rooms. Food made by the babysitter, who doesn't speak to me or my girls, shows up on the table and I freak out. "Why? why? Why?" I demand. The narc said, "Everyone hates her, baby. Just eat the food."
So I bite my tongue and play along. About an hour later, while it's thundering and lighting, we get ready to drive home because it's late and there's school the next day. The narc doesn't even get up to walk us to the door, let alone to the car. Doesn't say be safe or call me when you get home. He is too busy kissing his foster child on the lips and saying "I love you."
My daughters say, "This was the worst Easter ever. Please don't make us go there again."
So this weekend I got him a card and wrote it out, I made an Easter basekt for his kid. I had a pot of tulips, which he loves, to leave on his stoop. I composed texts, emails, notes. Some said, "I love you and miss you" and some said, "Gee, I sometimes thing I wish it was last year and we were together, but then I rememeber you screwed her the night before and it kind of ruins it" but I threw out and deleted everything. I literally would look at the card and think, "This is food for a monster" and rip it up. Or look at the basket and think, "This child is already spoiled beyond belief. This will only make it worse and give the narc a chance to roll his eyes at his brother and say, "It's from crazy woman number ten. ha. ha ha."
So I dumped it all, deleted everything, put on a beautiful dress and self tanner, did my hair and makeup, put on my highest heels, and took my daughters to my mom's, cooked, entertained, laughed, cleaned up, brought them home, took a bath, curled up with a glass of wine, and went to bed. No, it wasn't the best Easter ever, but you know what? Even though I didn't get to be ME and be nice and offer peace despite what he did to us, I actually feel better. I held that card in my hand and thought, "Helldweller, do not do this. Do not hurt yourself any more." It was really, really hard.
I wrote last week that giving up on them is like pulling the plug on someone in a coma. You keep hoping they will wake up. The doctors say, "Keep talking to him. He may be able to hear you." So you sit with him and you keep telling him you love him, that you won't leave him, that it's going to be okay, and you tell yourself every night and every day and year after year that it's going to come out ok one day. And then you realize you can't live like this anymore, that the person who is probably already dead is killing you, too. That your whole life has become sitting by his side, that your children are neglected and you job and your home, and all sorts of other people that really need you.
As someone on here said, "The difference is that the person in the coma is innocent."
Yes.
helldweller
Helldweller, I have four
((Helldweller)))!!! That was BEAUTIFUL!
HD, I am so
spinning
Yes. Helldweller thats why I