I finally made my decision

23 posts / 0 new

#1 Jun 24 - 11AM

rainbow1

I finally made my decision

I decided that I am going to go NC on the XN. What drove me to this decision is because I randomly ran into one of my exes last night. He lives on the other side of the state about 5 hours away but was over here for work. I dated him for 2 years 3 years ago. I was 18 and stupid. I really did a number on this guy. I just moved out of mommy's house and went off to college, he came with me (he is a few years older). Well I didnt treat him very well and I tried breaking up with him many times but he would always cry or something so I never did. When I finally did break up with him he caught me fooling around with his best friend the next night (not my proudest story). Anyways, I ran into him last night and we got to talking. I could tell that he wanted to lay into me but was holding back. I finally told him to just do it. I told him to tell me everything that he has bee holding in for the last 3 years. Well he gave it to me! He started crying and telling me how horrible I was and how I threw him away like a piece of trash, how he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me but I never truly cared about him, he asked me if I ever loved him at all. When he was telling me all of this I took full responsibility. I told him that I was sorry and that I was young and stupid. Well once I left him I got in my car and started balling my eyes out. It dawned on me that everything he said to me is what I would like to say to my XN. But the difference is that the XN wouldnt sit there and listen and take responsibility like I did. I realized that I will never get that opportunity with the XN like Josh just got with me. I have to just move on past it because I dont want to be like Josh and hold it in for 3 years. So I am now going NC. I realized that I have to because it is the only way. Right now I have been talking to him and every day he asks me to come over, but some days I get the nice guy asking and others I get the jerk asking. That is no way live, you cant be civil or friends with that guy. So now my only question to all of you is do I sinelently go NC and just stop responding to him? Or do I tell him that I cant do this anymore and to please stop contacting me and to have a nice life? Please give me your opinion!

#2 Jun 25 - 8PM

rainbow1

Im staying strong!

Today he called me and text me and asked what I am talking about and why we cant talk anymore. I havent responded but I really want to. I just want to explain to him why we cant but I know that I shouldnt. It is part of my programming I guess. A mutual friend was over and talking to my N on the phone. I could hear my N's voice and it nearly killed me. His room mate and best friend also stopped by my work for a surprise and stayed for about an hour. It is just so weird not being with him anymore and all of us hanging out as a group. Now our friends have to "surprise" me in the middle of the day to see me. Or come over and not let him know where they are. It kills me. I dont think that it has hit me until now because I finally went NC. Before I didnt think much about it because we were still talking and I guess part of me thought we might be together again one day. But now that I know that is never going to happen its hitting me. This is the first time I havent answered a phone call or responded to a text. Its hard.

_______________________________________________
"dont let yesterday take up too much of today"

#3 Jun 25 - 8PM (Reply to #21)

NancyM

rainbow

U go girl!!! Yup it is hard, but you have taken back a little bit of your power by not answering. You are no longer fully under his control by achieving just that one small thing. Power to you. :)))

Nevergoback

#4 Jun 26 - 11AM (Reply to #22)

Lisa E. Scott

Rainbow

Nancy is right! "Yup it is hard, but you have taken back a little bit of your power by not answering. You are no longer fully under his control by achieving just that one small thing. Power to you. :)))" Don't forget this and stay strong! xoxo

#5 Jun 24 - 5PM

rainbow1

Thank you everyone!

Thank you all for your advice! I am really glad that I wrote this thread this morning. I woke up in the middle of the night and so badly wanted to tell him to never contact me again, but I decided to wait to see what all of you had to say on the situation. It has been about 20 hours NC! haha not long but an accomplishment. Normally we would have told each other everything about our days that this point!

_______________________________________________
"dont let yesterday take up too much of today"

#6 Jun 24 - 5PM (Reply to #19)

Lisa E. Scott

Rainbow

Stay strong, Rainbow!!!!

#7 Jun 24 - 5PM

Lisa E. Scott

Rainbow

Good, I'm glad you decided NC. No, you do not need to let him know. It will only trigger him. He doesn't deserve an explanation anyway. Simply stop all contact completely and do not respond to him. You deserve so much better!

#8 Jun 24 - 3PM

Scoop

Just go no contact , dont

Just go no contact , dont tell him . Well done you ! xxx

#9 Jun 24 - 2PM

rochkevin

Just go no contact.He doesnt

Just go no contact.He doesnt need to be told and not worth it.

#10 Jun 24 - 1PM

trying2overcome

rainbow1 ..

I know it is confusing!! They have kept us confused all along. unfortunately, I work with mine (worst decision ever) so that is why I saw him at work .. there is no rhyme or reason with them. You are right, if you tell him, he may take that as a personal challenge to try and wear you down. I think I am still leaning toward not saying anything ... block him!! hee

#11 Jun 24 - 1PM

trying2overcome

I have mixed feelings ..

I am not really sure .. my initial response would be do not tell him .. just quit responding. If you can, block his numbers from your home/cell. that sends a definite sign. When I did that, my N showed up at work the next day crying and with a hallmark card in tow. I think when you give them a heads up your just further entertaining them and giving them a chance to interject something good or bad. But I do understand the need to feel like you have had a definite line drawn, voice it and move on .. so, in short .. I am no help!! ha lol ... My first gut answer was do not say a thing .. but at the end of the day you have to do what gives you the most peace. Good luck with it all!!! hugs :-)

#12 Jun 24 - 1PM (Reply to #10)

rainbow1

tryingtoovercome

See that is what I am trying to avoid, the whole showing up at my work for answers thing. Part of me says dont give him a heads up and just do it but then I can see him stalking me trying to figure out why I wont respond. And I think that if I give him a heads up he will just go away quietly. But then again that is what a normal person would do and he is not normal. If I give him a heads up he might find it funny and a challenge to push harder. Im so confused!

_______________________________________________
"dont let yesterday take up too much of today"

#13 Jun 24 - 1PM (Reply to #13)

GIJ

You can't control what he does

You can only control what YOU do. You need to send a message - a strong message - that you are done with him and have nothing to offer him at all. You are setting a boundary with no contact and he will naturally try to challenge it - so plan on it! The plan is always no contact. Read all the blogs and as much of this message board as you can. He is likely to not just go away. A simple conversation is not going to change that. it he's going to do it, he's going to do it. You may need to be prepared to take legal action with a court order of protection if need be. If and until that happens, you need to stave him. This will force him to seek supply elsewhere. Know that it is YOUR job to maintain the boundary of no contact. You are going no contact for you. If you cave and keep talking to him, he will just keep coming back because you are letting him with lax boundaries. I know this is hard but I believe you have it in you to do this. Do it for you. The only way to change the situation is for you to take action. Cuz doing the same thing over and over is going to keep you stuck. Again - you can't control him, only yourself. The answer is right in front of you. I know this is hard. But you have the answer.

#14 Jun 24 - 1PM (Reply to #11)

Steph

rainbow1

when I left my first narc and then wanted no contact, i explained it to him, i wrote him a nice letter (this was before i knew about narcissism). it didn't help. he still called, begged, showed up at my house, drove by my house etc. they are going to do what they want to do, even if you give them a "heads up". whichever way you decide, good luck and good for you for making the decision to get him out of your life:)

#15 Jun 24 - 1PM (Reply to #12)

rainbow1

staying strong78

How long did that last for? When did he finally get the hint and go away for good?

_______________________________________________
"dont let yesterday take up too much of today"

#16 Jun 24 - 12PM

rainbow1

PLEASE GIVE ME YOUR OPINION!!!

I would appreciate everyones opinions on the next step. Do I ask him not to contact me anymore or do I just start ignoring him?

_______________________________________________
"dont let yesterday take up too much of today"

#17 Jun 24 - 2PM (Reply to #8)

dysenchanted

JUST DO IT

I think it's best to just stop responding. He isn't going to honor your request anyway. A warning from you will only give him another opening to eff with you. Just block his stuff and begin moving forward.

#18 Jun 24 - 1PM (Reply to #7)

GIJ

Actions speak louder than words

Rainbow1 - go no contact and maintain it. There is no reason to explain anything to him at this point. Having any conversation will keep you spinning in cycles. It is time to break free and keep focusing on you and your needs. NO CONTACT means no asking, explaining, suggesting, pleading....it means no contact.

#19 Jun 24 - 1PM (Reply to #2)

Steph

Asking him to not contact

Asking him to not contact you anymore would likely be pointless. You're not dealing with a normal rational person. I think you should just go No Contact.

#20 Jun 24 - 1PM (Reply to #3)

rainbow1

staying strong78

Yes I know that it might be pointless because he will continue to contact me. My only thinking is it might give me more closure because at least in my head there was a stopping point. Does that make sense?

_______________________________________________
"dont let yesterday take up too much of today"

#21 Jun 24 - 1PM (Reply to #6)

Steph

yes, i know what you mean

yes, i know what you mean but saying "I am going no contact" won't offer you any more closure than just going no contact without saying anything.

#22 Jun 24 - 1PM (Reply to #4)

GIJ

There won't be closure

Make your own closure with no contact. Any conversation will be an opportunity to get sucked back in with more brainwashing. NO CONTACT

#23 Jun 24 - 3PM (Reply to #5)

Janet

I agree with all of the

I agree with all of the other posts. You will, eventually, find closure ending the horrible interaction. I haven't spoken to N since December 16th. I will not say I have found "closure" yet, but I am recovering (with help of great therapist,this site, family, friends and a determination to have a better life). NC, and start your steps to a happier and much more exciting life. Peace. J

Peace. J

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