i feel vulnerable

15 posts / 0 new

#1 Aug 18 - 2PM

indenial

i feel vulnerable

Day 2 of nc and its crossed my mind to send a text but not too strongly and I know I won't do it. But I feel if he were to contact me I'd cave. I know the outcome. I've been here numerous times. Maybe this is the final discard ? I've done well. I've not cried though. To be honest I've not cried over him in a long time. I'm numb. Is this normal ? I'd rather this than feeling devastated and suicidal as I did a year ago the the devaluation first began. That feeling subsided after he dumped me at christmas and the new year. I think boredom and lonliness are my worst enemies and this leaves me vulnerable. I don't want him to contact me yet I do. I know it would be dangerous because I'm in some CD and I'm still doing some magical thinking. But less of it. I feel a kind of eery calm because I am maybe finally getting to grips with the fact he's a narc. Though I still have moments of no he isn't. I just feel another long evening and night looming. I am scared to relax and have a glass of wine in case I crack. I'm scared that everyday of NC will get worse but I also feel a sense of relief and think now I can live again. The thing is I've lost touch with living. I've lost touch with reality. I feel like I just want someone to give me a big hug and tell me it will all be ok but I can't turn to anyone. I can't open up to anyone. I think I'm scared of what he might do next. I won't let him think he's broken me. He hasn't broken me yet and I know that the best revenge is to not let him see my pain and get on with my life and ignore him. This time he may accept that and leave me alone. He never has before though and imm scared of what he may do when he realises the usual tactics won't work anymore. Or I'm scared of myself incase the usual tactics do work ! I can't do this anymore. I can't go back again because you were all right. Every time you go back the abuse gets worse. The disrespect gets worse and I become more emotionally detached from him and life itself. Its so difficult to remain positive and strong. I can't help wondering what he's doing but I don't want to know either. Urgh !!!!

#2 Aug 18 - 7PM

greengirl91

Me too, I feel so vulnerable

Me too, I feel so vulnerable also lately..I have reinitiated NC after sessions of snooping, that were doing me wrong. It`s hard because I want to be more present in my own life, people around me need me to be present, not absent and hollow..my grandpa is sick, and I know I have to be there with him. I have to put an end to this chaos once for all, and if there`s a person who will do this, it will be me. I don`t want to know with who is he with, what is he doing (or screwing). I would so much like to update my profile on fb with some new pictures of myself, BUT, from safety reasons (he`s in town, with some friends from his "gang") I decided NOT to update it until I will feel less vulnerable. I understand your confusion, I myself think sometimes I`ve gone completely out of line..with all this behaviour, and my reactions, eliminating people, I`ve never been a person who wanted to take someone else`s throat. In the Bible they say "to be kind to those who NOT know what they are doing", right? Well, ex N knows EXACTLY what he`s doing to me. And doesn`t seem to have any intentions to stop. And if I show my face online (even though he`s blocked) I`m not ready to face another round of hoovering, especially when he`s so near. So I choose to stay peaceful today. The same thing I reccomend to you, snooping and checking them only keeps us stuck where they want us to. Ex N could easily set his profiles to private, if he wanted so much for me not to see him. But he DOESN`T! That`s just one of the differences between a genuine good hearted person, and one with an empty hole instead of a soul.

#3 Aug 18 - 7PM (Reply to #14)

indenial

its scary

What they do to us. Right now I just feel peaceful. I don't feel in pain I don't feel anxious and I've hardly thought about him this evening. Maybe this time I really can do it. I feel sad but I don't think I love him anymore. What I musnt do is pity him because that too can draw me back and he knows how to play the pity card. I don't want to cry for him. I don't even want to grieve him. He's gone. I just hope that my feelings don't change

#4 Aug 18 - 4PM

Hunter

OMG!! You're getting

OMG!! You're getting better!!!! Yipppie, your thoughts are good, your head is spinning! Guess what you may not been indenial anymore! It's not a good first few days but you will see!! Stand Strong, go,Rocky!' Hunter

#5 Aug 18 - 5PM (Reply to #12)

indenial

i hope so hunter !

Its about bloody time !! 2 days NC and my anxiety is lower than its been in months ! Normally I'm looking at my phone waiting for a text but I'm not even doing that !! I don't want one ! I don't care anymore !! I know its peaks and troughs but I'm getting stronger and I think that if this carries on I will be needing a new name !! I long for the day I can truly say I am no indenial anymore and never will be again !!

#6 Aug 18 - 3PM

indenial

its the total confusion

In my head that keeps me stuck. He tells me that its my behaviour that has caused this. But what have I done ! Tried to live a normal life but he stopped us from going forward. In the beginning he wanted it all but it was too much too soon ! When I was ready to commit and be devoted to him he pushed me away. That's what was so confusing. I thought I'd made him that way. I too kept continually trying to prove my love for him and he kept raising the bar higher. His demands increased. He was just so posessive and insecure that he made me that way ! He got jealous if I read the paper !

#7 Aug 18 - 4PM (Reply to #10)

no more

Indenial

LOL,,,,,mine would too,,,,but it is because you are using your brain and becoming well knowledged on sujects and can actully carry on a convo with others,,,,,but they have nothing to talk about,,,because they know about nothing other than themselvse,,,,,and who the hell wants to listen about them all the time. They have no idea how to carry on a convo unless it is about them. They don`t have clue what is going on out there,,,,nothing affects them if it is not about them. My EXN`S brother in law died of an acidental drowning in Chicago a couple of weeks ago and NOONE from his family,,,not even his parents went to support his sister. So I can see now the whole DAMN family are NARCS. Who would do that.

I just got involved with the same N for the second time.
What was I thinking? Because I have put myself back to the same point where I am blaming myself again. And for what?
I want to get rid of these feelings again.

#8 Aug 18 - 4PM (Reply to #9)

spinning

Inde, no matter how many

hoops you jumped through there would ALWAYS be another one. I know because I went through the exact same thing! And the jealousy? It was so over the top that my life became so small...it was truly All About Him 24/7. Yet I could not do anything "right." It was confusing as hell! I couldn't make it make sense! I wanted things to make sense and it just NEVER EVER did. Just when I thought I had it all figured out, he'd change the rules! It became such a sick game that I can't believe I played it for so long. The confusion you are feeling is so normal in the early days of NC. You can feel it, get it out, write about it, scream and yell, cry, but just don't act on it (i.e. contact him in any way). It is so good of you to process your feelings here where it is safe and will not harm you! We want you to feel the liberating FREEDOM and JOY (yes, JOY) of being out of a disordered relationship. The more days of NC, the more the fog lifts... What you are experiencing is normal! You are a good person who tried really hard! Whatever you did just "wasn't good enough." That will never ever change. You already know that each time you go back it just gets worse. I, too, learned that the hard way. NEVER AGAIN! HIS LOSS! He cannot be fixed. You, however, can heal and be whole again. Be the fun, happy, smart, attractive woman you were, the one your friends love and stick by! The one you love and respect too! Hang in there, Inde. It's worth the effort. Hugs and good vibes for strength and clarity from, (not) spinning. IT'S A FIGHT BUT I'M IN IT FOR THE LONG HAUL. I LIKE NOT SPINNING WAY BETTER THAN SPINNING!

spinning

#9 Aug 18 - 3PM

bakingfortherapy

indenial...

boredom and loneliness ARE OUR WORST ENEMIES!! For me, i had to keep busy, bake ( really) read books, watch movies, work out,...ANYTHING to fill time... IT is VERY HARD to not have this person on the brain...do whatever you can to put him in the back of your mind. Hang in there. YOU DESERVE BETTER!!!

#10 Aug 18 - 3PM

spinning

indenial, sweety, I'm

so proud of you! I have followed your story for so long and have hoped for the day when you would finally have enough. I know you are there. Now you just need to go through the hard, hard process. You can do it, one minute at a time. It is great that you know you are vulnerable. That means you can try to avoid a situation that will bring you pain and make things worse. It's all about YOU now, indenial! It is awesome that you posted here and have been posting the TRUTH the past few days. I note that you are really trying to stop yourself from the "magical thinking" which is why your posting is so good. You can go back and re-read them and see how they are the REALITY of the situation, not clouded by your emotions. Try to keep the FACTS of his treatment of you in mind as much as possible. If you feel like contacting him (I know you won't), post here. If he contacts you, post here. We will help you stay the course. It is not easy, inde. Especially the foggy, CD filled early days of NC. It takes a minute-by-minute effort to shift the focus onto something else to get through the minutes. Is there any way you could go out, maybe to a mall to window shop or to a library to look at books or something? That might divert your mind for a while. If you like to ride a bike or take a walk that helps, too. Indenial, I know you have it in you to break free and I'm here to tell you you will be so glad you did! It's the truth. It is hard work but so very worth it. At 9 months out my life is better than I could have EVER dreamed and way better than it EVER was in the six years of hell I spent with the disordered one. I want that for you, too! I hope this helps some, braveheart. Sincerely, (not) spinning. IT'S A FIGHT BUT I'M IN FOR THE LONG HAUL! I REFUSE TO LET A SICK FREAK TAKE ME DOWN!

spinning

#11 Aug 18 - 3PM (Reply to #2)

indenial

thankyou

That was just the hug I needed. Its made me cry which is a good thing cos I'm bottling it up inside me. I'm scared to cry. I'm scared to let it out. I feel so ashamed. Ashamed that I keep going back and putting everyone that cares about me through this time and time again. I don't want him to hurt me ever again. He's violated me on every level. I'm taking baby steps. I'm running with my friend in the mornings to combat the depression. I've been unable to work for more than 6 months because of what this man has sone to me ! Its so nice to be understood and not criticised by those who don't understand. I don't blame them. Why would they. I will come to the board instead of going back to him. And yes I'm finally telling the truth. I'm telling myself the truth. I've BEEN ABUSED. ITS NOT ME ITS HIM. Whatever I'd done differently hed still have abused me. It was all an act. 2 years 6 months of my life he poisoned. Luckily I didn't give in and I held onto my friends and the people close to me. Thankyou so much for your words of comfort. I'm smiling through my tears that there are such compassionate people as yourself. I feel blessed to have found you.

#12 Aug 18 - 4PM (Reply to #3)

no more

INDENIAL

I too am so ashamed and embarrassed to think I went back 4 times. I still can`t post the ugly damaging things he has done to me,,,,think I would rather just forget,,,,,but the pain just never goes away. My 29 year old son told me 2 years ago to stay away from him,,,he is malignant. I haven`t even told my son about any of it,,,,but he could see that my N was not good enough for his MOM. I`m so glad you are posting and I hope this helps me realize that I am not the one that should be holding onto all this bame,,,shame and guilt. But they haven`t a clue that this is all bout them and not us,,,,We have done nothing WRONG. Other than LOVE too much. Càn`t expect any more than baby steps at this time. BIG HUGS to you for also helping me find my way.

#13 Aug 18 - 4PM (Reply to #4)

indenial

no more

We help each other by posting I think. We write exactly what each other are thinking or going through. I'm getting it all out at the moment. I felt so ashamed I stopped telling people what he was doing to me ! I lied to people who love me. ! I covered up his abuse so they wouldn't hate him and so they wouldn't abandon me ! My kids don't know what he's done. Only what they've sadly had to see. BIG HUGS back to you

#14 Aug 18 - 5PM (Reply to #5)

no more

INDENIAL

I have covered up the past 37 years of my life... I need to get it out. Married to an N,,,,,and then dated 3 more N`s since,,,long term. I am 56 and don`t think I would ever know a good man if I met one. With this last N we went to counselling and the counsellor told me to GET OUT now. I told the N that he said this and funny thing,,,,the N said the counsellor said the same about you.. I went to this cousnellor for 2 months,,,the N only went twice and ended up walking out the second time because he didnt likè what the counsellor was saying to him,,,so we were both together those 2 times,,,when did the counsellor say this to him. I have lied my whole life to protect these ASSHOLES,,,well now it is time to protect myself. I will no longer be silent. Thanx to everyone on this site for your posts,,,,care and concern. HUGS to everyone.

#15 Aug 18 - 5PM (Reply to #6)

indenial

37 years !

That's so sad. It sickens me to see that they can do that to you ! I was lucky. I knew the difference. My previous only 2 serious long term relationships were with the most lovely genuine men who both loved me dearly and I loved them both too. And still do. I always will they gave me my two boys. Ans they care for me deeply. I have a great friendship with them both and they have watched in horror and stood by by me through this experience. I only didn't let them try and protect me cos the narc is so dangerous. What a shame I fell for the narcs " passion". I think he confused passion with pathology. I know the difference. The narc doesn't. Just remember its never too late for you you deserve the best xx

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