I feel better

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#1 Jan 22 - 12PM
jen79
jen79's picture

I feel better

I feel like I have awaken from a very bad dream. Like I have been in an evil cult. I feel its time for me to go back to life and stop avoiding people and life, that I did so long due to my vulnerability. I obsessed the last weeks over spiritual teachings, trying to find an answer and a meaning to all of this I went through, and today I realized one thing, there is none.

The only meaning there is, living a happy life. Authenticly and to the best I can. Its time to avoid people and outside life. Its time to take responsibility and living a normal life.

This might sound strange, but I really avoided this so long. I feel now its time to go back on track.

Jan 22 - 3PM
michele115 (not verified)
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It sounds perfectly sane and rational

And so happy to hear you are on that plane... Me too... And it is such a relief....
Jan 22 - 2PM
Briseis
Briseis's picture

AMAZING how not getting all

AMAZING how not getting all those vile texts from him every day makes your life so much better :) You remind me so much of myself. Looking for special spiritual meaning in the bad stuff. And then realizing, when it's all said and done, there isn't a major special meaning in it. Shit happens, and what you DO about the shit that happens is what counts. You sound so CLEAR, Jen. I spent YEARS avoiding it. Years. I can't say I didn't learn anything from it all . . . but that I am POSITIVE and SURE that the only reasonable, workable thing to do is take responsibility for my life, OWN my life, take charge of what I do have control over, and courageously be exactly who I am. That means being "me" in spite of worry, anxiety or fears others will judge me. Pffft. I know people DO, they are often inelegant enough to judge me right to my face LOL. But you know what? People are inelegant. I'm not perfect either. I hope I don't inadvertently insult other people, but I probably do. In giving other people a break, I give myself one.
Jan 22 - 3PM (Reply to #6)
jen79
jen79's picture

Ah Briseis, you so get me!

I dont say I am totally happy yet. I swing between pessimism and fristration, fears and at best I am bored, which I see now as very positive. But like you, I see there are so many people out there who will judge me for who I am, but I cannot avoid life because of them. And I am also not perfect, just as you said. I avoided them cause when I feel judged, it triggers something within me, that part that keeps judging myself for being the way I am, a little bit off, a little bit strange, not the avarage 31 year old typical Berlin customer. I dont know what I want, and I am tired of people asking me, what I want to work, and how, and what I have planned, when indeed I had nothing planned at all the last years but getting out of this horrible pain, and I am tired to explain myself to them. So I avoided them, but maybe I avoided only this part of me, who keeps judging myself to be that different. I guess that what it means, to surrender, there is no higher destiny waiting for me, but the one I start to create for myself in my abilities that are there right now and in the given circumstances. I still have nighmares every day, but not about the Narc anymore, but related to other stuff that comes now up to be cleaned up, now that the narc stuff is almost done. I had one very funny dream though about him and the OW. They came together in some building where we met, I talked with the OW, and thought wow, she is so innocent and so in denial, she went away, he came to me touching my budd, I tried to push him away and felt repelled, then I dont know what happened, but he tried to propose to her and then he died, I think a heartatache lying on the floor, I was beside him, and he said as his last words: can you tell me the name of so and so who wrote that nice critic about my acting performance, please tell me what was his name again? And while he was dying there, I ran to look for the OW, I just found her mother and said she should tell her, that under no circumstances she should marry him! Thats it. LOOl. Funny isnt it.
Jan 22 - 12PM
JRB123
JRB123's picture

Great news!

It's amazing the powerful effect just one person can have on us. Also as the saying goes 'Hell is other people'. Well done on moving onwards and upwards. We only get one shot at life and it's too short to waste on Ns. Although I know this is easier said than done as I am wasting hours of my energy thinking about one at the moment! It sounds like you are doing great and there are plenty of good things out there in the real world to enjoy. Recently I went on a surfing break and it was brilliant. I had to focus so much on trying to do it (while having fun too) that I didn't hardly think about N at all. I felt alive again. There's so much other fun stuff out there and genuinely good people to be with. The one good experience to come from being with a N is that hopefully we have learnt a valuable lesson to avoid men like that in the future - avoid them like the plague! Wishing you lots of future happiness.
Jan 22 - 12PM
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

Woo hoo you go girl. I'm

Woo hoo you go girl. I'm gettin there beginning to focus on what he ignites in me to have allowed him to have this effect on me. Way to go!
Jan 22 - 12PM
jen79
jen79's picture

and to add one thing

I cannot believe I was so stuck so long in this BS with him. Its unbelievable, who was this person???? Damn fucked up trauma, makes fucked up freaks out of us. (sorry for venting, this is how it feels when you slowely get out of it).
Jan 22 - 12PM (Reply to #2)
blueeyes
blueeyes's picture

Yup

It's real trauma. No joke stuff Jen79. I missed ya. I will be on the other site mostly, see ya there... I'm so happy your feeling better!