I don't know if this is bad or good?

This week a had a patient who I'm pretty certain is a psychopath.

I won't/ can't get into anything about the patient of course.

My issue is my reaction.

My nervous system went off like the fourth of July. My hands were sweating so badly that it left marks on my paper... my underarms soaked my silk blouse, my heart was pounding, and my breathing became very shallow- such that for a few seconds here and there I had to take some deep breaths to take in more air.

He was only in my office for about 3 mins and all of that stated happening. As a neuropsych of course I spent a total of about 4 hrs with thim. It was the hardest thing I had to do this week.

On some level I see that my body 'learned' ..... in some ways it was reassuring that when I do go back out there and start dating it won't necessarily be a "hmmmm now is that a red flag" "was that a red flag" "let me think about this" My body seems to be like... look Jess --- no more of these F ers are getting near you anymore. ENOUGH! So for that, I am thankful

HOWEVER --- herein lies the problem.

I'm a frigging psychologist!!! I HAVE to interact with them fairly regularly. :o(

I CAN'T go through that at work.... bc while with him I was invovled in a great deal of self talk ("you're safe Jessika"; "you're in the power position here"; "pretend you have a brick wall up betwn the two of you." "don't smile at him"; "don't give him any emotion" ; "you can come out and tell him to cut out the charming complements" "you can tell him to cut out the nasty rude comments" --- yes he did BOTH.

So --- when with a patient, I dive into their world usually. I know it sounds corney, but I hyperfocus on them ... everything about them - bc that is just what you have to do. However, bc of all the N/Ps in my life and this last P being the worse experience I have ever had .... my system wouldn't allow me to dive into him the way I do with others. It just wouldn't.

This was a very very tough patient. Stood up to look at my degrees to determine if they met his standards.... called me by my first name immediately ... commented on my blouse and even my bra!!!!

So .... my N/P radar is obviously internalized---- however I wish there were a way I could switch if off when at work. BC they really can't hurt me there. Sure they are disrespectful, however I can handle that with a reprimand and boundaries-- so I wish there were a way to tell my system that I have to work with these guys sometime and that I'm safe at work.

I guess I should take Xanax to work and if one of them come in excuse myself to the bathroom and take it ;o)

Jessika