i do not agree with the dogmatic 18 month rule...

It's really wise to recognize, for yourself, if you are ready or not. It's been three years for me and I don't even want a relationship, gawd. Everyone is different. Recognizing when you aren't ready is why this rule exists, because people don't recognize they aren't ready sometimes. Thus, serial narc/abusive relationships. At some point, ya gotta go DAMN, I'm doing something wrong here! There is desperation and neediness, fear of being "alone" that drives people from the arms of one demon into the arms of another. Unless that desperate neediness is addressed, wash rinse repeat. SOmetimes you don't know you aren't ready until you are in another relationship. Life is messy. Rules are helpful but dogma is not. That is why we need to think for ourselves, make our mistakes and learn from them. There is nothing wrong with making lots of mistakes as long as you learn from them and stop making the same ones. There is NO MAGIC in waiting eighteen months or eighteen years. I am a classic example of that one. I divorced my kid's dat when our son was one year old. I did not remarry or get real serious for thirteen years. I thought I was beyond falling in love with drug addicted narc idiots. So I fell for one with a very clever and believable con. Know Thyself, and do not Lie to Thyself. Get real and accept facts. Don't put frosting on a pile of crap and call it a bundt cake. That is what I've learned lately lol.

It is my understanding that this is based on research studies done with abused women and the effects of brainwashing. I am very sorry i dont have the study or studies to provide to back this up but i will do some research on it and see what i can come up with to validate it. Like Vix said I dont think there is a hard fast rule to this. For myself however, i know that i am/was seriously brainwashed by the N. I am/was incapable of making rational choices that were healthy for me. I am getting better every day but i still do not feel stable enough to understand what a healthy relationship entails. I had no boundaries with the N. It did not start this way but it ended this way. This is a problem. What would cause a person that appears to be stable and well adjusted to fall so far and deep into a controlling abusive relationship and not even see what they were involved in till its too late? I can not fully answer this question. I do now this much. Until i have this answered and resolved completely in my mind, i will not have a committed relationship with anyone. Im not going to pretend i know what a healthy relationship is when I clearly dont. I don't think i would be on this board if i had that figured out. I dont have a time frame on when i will have this issue resolved. All i know is that its not today. So if i get to 18 mo and still dont feel comfortable then so be it. Personally i dont think it matters anymore if i ever have it again. What is important today is that i find my own happiness within me. I never took the time to do that and i cant help but think maybe thats how i ended up here to begin with. (very happy to be here btw) Luv to you all xoxoxo only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

"It is the tenor of the situation that determines the outcome..." Although I keep choosing N after N, the last one was the most devious, dangerous one I have ever known. I almost lost everything and even though it was only a few months, I have no idea now what my "freakout threshold" is, meaning I could be feeling fine, have my radar way on (like it is ALL the time) but still not know when terror might strike me and I run away. Unfortunately for the next guy, I am going to require a lot of patience and understanding. I AM afraid of death. I AM afraid of men I don't know. I don't know when that is ever going to go away.

There are no rules. I can't even tell you how many people told me the time to get over a relationship is half the length of the relationship. Get real.

I am wondering which rule works best. It will also depend on how long the person has been involved in a narcissistic relationship too. I would say, the longer the trauma indured, the longer the damage takes too heal. I think that is a fair assumption. It also depends on how deep the abuse went. Many woman have been raped and sexually abused. I am not belittling the emotional abuse either. The insedious attack of the mind can be equally as paralysing. I would bet that most people fall into the same trap if they are not careful and have not truly learned anything of the level of damage to the soul. BUT Of course people heal at different rates, and some people make that investigation into 'self' throughout the trauma and they get stronger through it. I dont know many people on here who have not achieved a huge level of self awarness (that is not dominated by the rampant ego which objectifies, like the narcs) A self awareness that is understood as common ground here that will lead us forward with a better understanding what we need to be happy in our own skins... To have a good relationship with self is important. I think that I am guilty too of the same misunderstandings in myself. I want to heal and get to know myself. I want to understand why I chose this and how I can avoid it again. I want to work on my issues and get strong. But I have been tempted to try too early.. If I am not careful then I will probably only end up making the same mistakes... BUT it is hard. WE cant help who we might meet at what point in life.... It would be sad to loose a potential good relationship because you feel too hurt. My friend met a man a little before 18 months after a very sexually, mentally abusive relationship. He was such a real good bloke that he actually helped her to support her 'own' healing by being someone who gave her masses of autonomy and masses of respect. (They are getting married 9 years later, this coming month) SO I dont think that the 18 month rule is a hard and fast rule. I think it applies if you are a person who who needs lots of time to adjust. Though one could argue these kind of people should spend many years in celibacy/isolation/autonomy to heal.. I knew a male narc guy who satyed out of relationships in the end becasue he ruins them, he doesn't date and mroe over he never learns anything. So you can use the 18 month rule but if you still have not learned your own lessons in life, you will never be ready... And whats more there are so many predetors out there that you do have to be very careful... I know this now for sure... But I think really, the 18 month rule, arcs back to the people on this site that were a bit tough and regimented about how to heal. And many of the extreme ways of dealing with things on this site has been side lined now to make for the more flexible and mailable side of human nature. So I say if you feel like you have changed, learned, feel ready, really feel ready and more over you can read the signs, take it slow, stay aware of your instincts. (We are often unstable and unable to gage our own feelings properly after trauma of a narc relationship) SO if you have really done the work and you are in a place where you are truly going to invite a healthy relationhsip in, then yes try it. Just bide your time and stay cool. If the person is whirlwinding you and rushing you, then that is a sure sign you are not ready... and the person you have chosen is following a classical narc pattern.. I would say during the break up when my hsuband moved out, I was well needy and so deeply terrified to go home to him. SO I went out after work, I got drunk and flung myself at a couple of guys. Needless to say they both rejected me and I looked a bit of an idiot. I can tell you a needy woman is not attractive, not to anyone, and yea, some narc's might use ithat element in you too...so I was lucky really... and so if you set yourself up for danger, your gona get hurt...if you really are not ready and cant read the signs then you are only going to make more mistakes.. I think I often scared away the nice guys with my neediness. Its no wonder I ended up with two bad narc relationships. WE have to get the point where we are good with oursleves... you do probably need to get to that basic level first... even if you meet a great guy (or gal), if you are got good in yourself it may not actually pan out how you would like... I want to get to a place where I am truly able to invite a healthy openly communicative person into my life who is able to respect me as an equal. TO do that I have to get back to me first. x

Agree. Everyone recovers at their own pace. One thing that is important, in my opinion, is to be a good ways into recovery before dating again. Could be a few months for some, could be a few years for others. A new person, or even dating, can take the focus away from what you need to work on on yourself. I think that doing it too soon may hinder recovery due to the fact that the person has not figured out who they are yet and the chances of choosing an unhealthy partner are high.