I cant stop crying...

21 posts / 0 new
Last post
#1 Nov 9 - 8AM
whatever2009
whatever2009's picture

I cant stop crying...

Hi All,
Im in bed, I cant get out. Im in tears, Ive never wanted something to go away faster then this. I feel that being so in love and obsessed with him has made me put myself second, my friends second and most of all, my beautiful children, and Im really struggling with that. (he is not the father of my kids). I wanted it so bad, I wanted the I love you's and the your beautiful's to be real. I wanted to spend my ALL my free time with him, so that I could ensure he wouldnt be able to see anyone else. I got babysitters for my kids, so I could spend more time with him, and I justifyed that to myself, as having my own life.

I walked away so many times and was drawn back to him. He barely works, has no car, depends on his family for things. Has no friends (or very few)...is notrious for cheating on women....but I seen through all of that. I guess, Im just struggling with being so stupid, and with choosing time with him, over time with my kids. It hurts today, real bad.

Ive been through therapy, I been through no contact, Ive been through it all, and im still here and I still hurt. Im successful and cant understand why someone like him, could ruin someone like me.

UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Im pissed...I wanna get outta bed...but I cant.

Nov 10 - 5PM
fairy wings
fairy wings's picture

Detox

I so totally agree. When I left my violent partner for the third and final time I had no words to describe how I felt physically, mentally, or emotionally. In trying to explain, I said to my son, it is as if I have been poisoned. That was six years ago. It has been a very gradual detox. I suffered from really bad migraines which were accompanied by the darkest thoughts. I lacked energy and although I carried on working I had to go to bed very early and treat myself as if I had been very ill. I even went through a phase of actually gagging, bringing nothing up, however every time I did this it felt like my body was expelling something it knew was alien. At the time I had no idea how long it would last. At times I really felt I was going mad. When I got the migraines I would just lie there sobbing, just feeling so trapped in my own head feeling unable to reach out for support.I felt if I told people I had been poisoned and that my body was working to expel the poison I would be seen as quite mad. I had to have faith in me and just relax in to what my body needed to do. I helped it on the way, I ate well, eventually stopped filling the void with cigarettes, took vitamins and minerals and slept a lot. It was a slow process, it took about four years before the migraines stopped.
Nov 10 - 8AM
whatever2009
whatever2009's picture

wow!

Wow ladies, you made the biggest difference in my day. Yes I was sad/devastated/so angry, but I managed to get up, go for a tan,then painted some doors in my home that needed to be touched up. I also had a friend come over for tea, who is in a bad place right now. She is not with a Narc, but still a man! Anyway, I finished therapy I had been in it while with the Narc. She was good, she focused more on me learning to say no and express my feelings and to understand I am worth more. But its so hard to soak up and start believing. A male friend of mine said to me yesterday, "you need to think positive for positive things to happen, and you need to focus on the good and just get through the bad"....he told, me I was, "beautiful, smart and had an attitude that was so powerful". I wanted to believe all of that, but it just sent me back to tears. My head is in overload. Like Cynthia I struggle most with this as well,"why I would want a cheat, liar, and sexual predator in my life, what the hell was wrong with me" Do I feel that worthless? Do I crave for someone to love me that much? WOW....when did I become so pathetic? WHYYYYYYYYYY DO I WANT SOMEONE WITH NO FOCUS, NO DREAMS, NO FUTURE, AND THAT CANNOT CHANGE. Thats what causes the sleepless night and lazy days. The feeling you get in the pit of your stomach when you know your love sick. The anger you have when you could psychically throw up thinking of your past with him and all the things you let slide....and at the same time, wanting that/missing that. Im so thankful for this board and Im so thankful for all of you. Im at work today, but feel as tho I cant hear anything, my vision is blurry and my head is buried in a cloud. But you know what....Im here, and not curled up in a ball at home. I guess sometimes I just wish I could be different, more strong and start all over. Thanks for listening. xo!
Nov 10 - 10AM (Reply to #15)
cynthia (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

what the hell was wrong with me"

"why I would want a cheat, liar, and sexual predator in my life, what the hell was wrong with me" Do I feel that worthless? Do I crave for someone to love me that much? WOW....when did I become so pathetic? NOTHING WAS AND IS WRONG WITH US!! GET THAT OUT OF YOUR HEAD RIGHT NOW. Remember they werent liars, cheats, and sexual predators when we initially met them, and I thought about this last night. OF course we wouldnt want someone like that to enter our lives, if they approached us and said, hey you are everything I ever wanted but I am all the above what do you say want to be my woman? I am going to cheat on you, lie to you, ask you to do some really perverted sexually stuff, but it will be exciting want to have a fling? Want to be my side whore? Oh and one more thing, I have a disorder that leaves me incapable of loving anyone. What do you think all of us would have said? We would have said get the hell away from me you freak. When my thoughts turn to how could I have been so stupid, naive, why did I allow someone like this to enter my life, I SAY STOP. WE NEVER would have allowed someone like that to enter our lives and do that to us not in a million years. Look how they all entered our lives: THey were so sweet, charming, caring, attentive, gave us a wonderful sexual performance, now we are all trying to break away from them because we have to push aside that grand performance they gave us in the beginning which lasted for months (on an average) just enough time for the hook, just enough time for us to give them a standing ovation for the performance, to fall deeply in love, give them our trust, then came the brainwashing which was easy to do because of the intense sexual bonding we had with them, all those hormones they released, instead of saying what the hell was wrong with me, it should be WOW why the hell is this man so sick? THat is what I should have said. All of us reacted normally in the beginning and in the end, and I dont blame myself for not seeing the act, I didnt have the skills, or the education to know such people existed, they fool professionals remember, professionals who have studied their disorder and yet THEY ARE STILL TAKEN IN. What chance did we have, ZILCH!!! We arent missing them during our recovery, we arent missing the cheating, lies, perversion, we are missing the total performance they gave us and how wonderful they appeared to be we cant get it out of our heads, That person that was so wonderful was replaced with who they really were well into the relationship, we began to experience the abuse, and all of a sudden without so much as any provication this mr wonderful changed into something we have been trying to figure out ever since. I think when we break contact we must think, ok maybe I will see just a hint of that mr wonderful again, where did he go I know I must have been something to him, nobody throws aways someone like a piece of garbage. Ah but they do, anyone that can put on such a grand performance and get women to fall deeply in love with them is a very very disturbed person who is very capable of almost anything sinister. A man that can live with another woman for years and lead a double life, have lots of victims on the side he brainwashes to fall in love with him, then abuses them, emotionally tortures them this falls nothing short of a common criminal and we say what the hell is wrong with ME? We didnt stand a chance up against a polished and skilled psychopath or narcissist. We are in a sense recovering from a crime someone should be locked up for so its no wonder the severity of the healing process is what it is.. When we have those bad days where nothing makes sense and we cant even get out of bed? Be kind to yourself and stop and take a hard look at what we are recovering from.
Nov 10 - 12PM (Reply to #16)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

detox

when I was crying all the time and puking most of the day my therapist said: "have you ever been on a detox diet?" I said yes. "do you ever just cry while on the diet? or feel naseous?" Yes. "That is what your body is doing. Detoxing." Makes perfect sense! ~~~~~~~~~~~~ My Abuse Information Site Online Coaching & Help
Nov 10 - 2PM (Reply to #19)
whatever2009
whatever2009's picture

BINGO!

Thats it 100%, I use to need him to want me, need him to touch me, wanna have sex with him even though he mainly pleased himself, I rarely finished. We had so much sex when we were together. If I spent the wkend with him we would have sex sometimes 3 times a day....and at least one of those times was amazing. (for me). Although sometimes I would walk away thinking that was a bit perverted. I was 100% addicted to him and his abuse. But now, im sooooo jealous thinking about him having sex with someone else. The thought makes me ill. But then I kind of laugh thinking....she also has to listen to him talk about himself non STOP all day EVERY day....never ask her about her day and continouslly have to be available to him. Then I think....wow, the sex might not be worth it....lol. Actually toward the end of us, he also started getting ED, and was thinking of getting VIAGRA....hes only 32!!!!!! WOW...I despise him. I get a dysfunctional dick is pretty good punishment for a narc.
Nov 10 - 12PM (Reply to #17)
cynthia (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

wow Barbara!

I never thought of that, we were going through withdraw from him. Since we were addicted to them like a drug it makes sense we were so uncomfortable that we were throwing up. The sexual hormones they stirred up for us were being lowered in our bodies and it was our bodies way of telling us we needed more. We were detoxing from those hormones he released. I was indeed sexually addicted to him I wanted more and he cut my supply off cold turkey that released that chemical into my brain and body. You had to be admitted to the hospital for your withdrawal that is understandable you knew him for sooo many years, it shocked your body so bad it shut down. I was thinking a few days ago all the calls from mine when he would say, "hi baby just checking in to make sure you masturbated this morning thinking about me", I would call him back and say you have got to be kidding, DID YOU? he would say of course I did just hearing your voice is getting me hard. Gee thats funny I have that effect on you when I stood in front of you naked you had ED the last time we were together, explain that? Maybe you should stick to masturbating. ha ha Just when I think Barbara I am not making progress I look back and see what a mess I was last year at this time, breaking out in hysterical crying spells in the middle of grocery shopping, having to put my sunglasses on when the sun was down, explain that to people, falling to my hands and knees rocking myself then having to clean up my vomit, having my son and daughter ask me, why were you crying in the bathroom mom, whats wrong? Nothing honey I have my period just a bit emotional today going thru menopause. To this day they believe it was due to menopause and think I am better because I got hormone medication. All of that is almost gone now, but I still suffer other disorders such as TOTAL LACK OF SEXUAL DESIRE, I tried having sex last month with my husband and I started crying, I have mood swings, deep sadness that comes over me, so I still have many pieces of myself I need to pick up and put back together but this is an improvement as compared to what it was. Like I said, you never get over it, we just get better slowly learning to live with what happened to us.
Nov 10 - 4PM (Reply to #18)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

cynthia

it shocked your body so bad it shut down Yes. And I was disabled and to this day I have issues that are permanent because of the shock. Which is why Psycho-Boy and his friends' comments to my other site and telling me to "get over it and move on with my life and start raising my children" are particularly enraging & disturbing. He's the one who CAUSED this breakdown... yet he says I should get over it. If I'd had the money I would have sued him for the medical bills. I (and all of us) just have to remind ourselves: NOT HUMAN. Shoot I can only imagine how he treats the wife. just hearing your voice is getting me hard I got that one too!! Many times. Tried to tell P-B that was sick and wrong but he said it was MY FAULT that he still had these DEEP FEELINGS for me. The only thing he had feelings for were his hard drive & keyboard! I still suffer other disorders such as TOTAL LACK OF SEXUAL DESIRE Me too - 5 years later. But I don't have anyone to be intimate with nor do I even want to try. I start shaking and panicky if I even think about it too long. I hope yours passes. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ My Abuse Information Site Online Coaching & Help
Nov 9 - 5PM
destiny (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

I know the feeling all to

I know the feeling all to well. Today I had an appt for my car...I woke up the usual missing XN...not wanting to go...but instead I just kept it and the memories to the back of my mind. I thought well this is the new me...he cant be apart of it...and it hurts and I cry, but Im going to be alright. I ran errands after the appt...and a young cashier asked me what I was up to today. It took me off guard because no one has asked me that since XN. Cashier, just kept talking to me, small talk, but it was nice...a nice change from staying inside. It was a lovely day weather wise here...i drove with my sunroof open..music blaring...I was alive. Thoughts of XN popped in now and then...and yes, I did cry some...and as someonelse posted sunglasses are my best friend. Right now im just sitting with myself...I do this often. I sit and just let myself feel everything possible that I can feel. I have been where you are and still have days like that. What these N's have done to us is just so horrific. You will have better days ahead..you really will...you will adjust and you will find peace. It just takes time. You arent alone...keep posting. “It's not hard to find the truth. What is hard is not to run away from it once you have found it.”
Nov 9 - 1PM
Scoop
Scoop's picture

I cry all the time , it is

I cry all the time , it is my natural state and has been for 5 months , but i figger that when i cry im healing , everytime i cry i am getting a tiny bit better , i cant measure it from day to day but i can from month to month . Month 2 was summer and i when away with my band camping , i drove to the coast on a friday evening and i cryed all the way there , how i even saw the road god only knows but he got me there , i turned up at the camp site looking a fright and i pitched my tent and i sat round a camp fire with people i didnt know very well and i got talking to this sweet young man who spoke to me with such kindness not about my relationship but just about life and stuff he is now a friend of mine who pops up every now and then , a real blessing . I remember writing on here asking you lovely people if i should go and everyone said YES ! I made my self do it and i came back just a little bit better . I make myself do lots of things now mostly through the tears but i do it anyway . Dark sunglasses are your friend . I know what you are going through , we are all in this together , one day we will heal . I know it to be true and it gets me through , just . Scoop x
Nov 9 - 10AM
calamity-g
calamity-g's picture

I can't stop crying

I know how it feels to not be able to stop crying. Just lie there in bed instead of walking my dogs in the sun light. I'm pissed too! I hate that this kind of person has so much power over our souls. I think the days it is better are when I make myself be around other people, even though it is hard -- and sometimes I don't manage to do it. Other thoughts that calm me are to think about how it is not to have him around. My ex N had lots of money so poor or rich they are the same. I like to think about having my freedom, being able to speak my thoughts, have opinions, and the hope of meeting someone new. I like thinking about how I don't have to walk on egg shells, or fear he will abandon me for having feelings, which he did, I don't want to live with that fear in a relationship. I want someone to love me and want to know my feelings. In the meantime, I'll cry but hopefully I'll have some times of peace when I know how lucky I am to be rid of him. I write about it in my blog. I am at http://dogkisses.wordpress.com/ I wrote "An Ode to a Narcissist," which came straight from my heart and I gave it to him. That was before I knew to call him a narcissist. You can read what my mom calls him in the article I wrote today, http://dogkisses.wordpress.com/2009/11/09/narcissists-leave-dirty-wounds/ My father told me that warriors cry too. I know it is hard and very very sad to cry so much because it means you hurt so much. I believe it will get better. At least you can cry. Maybe you could write down some of the things you are glad not to have to put up with, like not trusting someone you love. calamity-g

~~~~~~~~
My Blog

Nov 9 - 10AM
whatever2009
whatever2009's picture

yes quietude...

but he is always in my head...and im so mad at myself, I feel so alone, and I feel as tho, I will always be so alone and bitter!! I cant trust anyone or anybody, I hate myself for allowing him to ruin me.
Nov 9 - 11AM (Reply to #8)
cynthia (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

but he is always in my head.

THey are always in our heads, Mine too when I open my eyes in the morning give or take five minutes there he is. GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT of my head you rotten person flee from my thoughts and my life. We all know too we deserve so much more than these losers, you deserve so much better than that piece of crap, I am not here to judge you in anyway or question the love you had for him, god knows I struggle trying to figure out why I would want a cheat, liar, and sexual predator in my life, what the hell was wrong with me. Get out of that bed girl and fight to get your life back, get into some projects, rearrange rooms, buy a new bed spread, frame pictures, paint, whatever it takes make some changes around you that helped me alot. Sometimes just little things help more than you can imagine. When it comes down to it when all is said and done, we are all recovering from the deep betrayal and how they violated us, make sure your tears are for that and not the piece of shit you are leaving behind. My counselor said you can mourn the dream lost but remove him from it, through your recovery work on replacing the dream with your own dreams and goals. How true they are with us long after they are gone, their damage is with us thats way, we have to heal the damage that was done to us. You will not always be alone, but for now I know I wouldnt be a good partner to anyone the way I am and its ok for awhile to be alone, better to be alone than with someone who abuses you and makes you feel alone anyway. You didnt allow him to ruin you, if you did you wouldnt be here and in bed crying, you did something to save yourself and as much as it hurts you know you did the right thing, who wants a partner that is a cheat? You think you are hurting now, go back to him and live with a man that cheats on you behind your back and lies and uses you, NO THANKS I will take this temporary hurt anytime over that because THIS TOO SHALL PASS, BUT IT WILL NEVER CHANGE IF YOU GO BACK, you will only deprive yourself of the good life you deserve.. Get out of that bed and fight to get your life back.
Nov 9 - 12PM (Reply to #9)
nolongerafixer
nolongerafixer's picture

cynthia

Cor.........!! Well done Cynthia. Perfectly said. You are in definate fighting spirits today! They are always in our heads.................so true. What awful hypnotic damage they have done to our brains. Mine too is still in it from the time I wake until the time I go to sleep. I try to get rid but ive learned to let him sit there as long as he doesnt speak or move!!! I say to him "Go for it - Im still doing what I want to do today without you commenting or drawing me back to punish me for it!!" Me too re not ready for a new partner. Not because Im not over HIM - but because I dont want to hurt any normal man who may get involved with me in this messed up state. I want to be totally happy with me and I`ll know this once hes left his chair in my head! My soul aim - and im working hard except for this weekend of course when I had a slight relapse over being really angry and hurt over the live band pub event (read my recent msge to you in answer to yours under the Its the Weekend blog). Your think you are hurting now etc........................YOUR SO RIGHT. You have the choice. Ive sometimes thought going back for the heaven and suffering the hell in a different way may be better than this ongoing hurt BUT NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. That choice of hurt will be for life and to your detriment - this choice is temporary however long it takes. And finally, you are so right. I felt lonelier in the relationship with him. Even though he wanted me by his side 24/7. It was strange but it was only him I had but I didnt have him did I?! as I was only seen as an object. Plus hed slowly stopped me seeing friends etc and depending solely on him . My life was becoming totally unfulfilled and now I have choices which are more fulfilling and soon,hopefully, if I can get rid of that whole bad experience and retrain my thought patterns undoing the brainwashing, I will be back to how I was before meeting him. Happy and content. I hope.
Nov 9 - 6PM (Reply to #10)
cynthia (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

but I didnt have him did I?! No we never did

And finally, you are so right. I felt lonelier in the relationship with him. Oh my God yes, I was sooo lonely being with him, it was the emptiest relationship I have ever been in, one sided and sick and perverted and twisted, never felt loved, always felt used. He should have been begging ME to be with him because I am pretty damn special and the dumb ass threw away the best thing he will ever find, let him go to his variety of puss that he craves have at it, knock yourself out because when you are done you will still find yourself missing what you will never find within yourself
Nov 9 - 11AM (Reply to #7)
quietude (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

whatever

Oh okay, I wasn't sure if that was still the case. First, please know that letting him go was a very HUGE - HUGE -HUGE accomplishment. It takes a lot of gumption to make that step. Even though you may not feel like it now, that was a very brave thing to do, and speaks to how you deep down know you care about yourself more than letting this idiot rob you of your life. We all know what this is like, at first, I felt totally overwhelmed that I would never feel better. Are you in therapy?? If so, is it the kind of therapist you need?? Are you reading, journaling, I haven't seen you here much...not keeping tabs, but hon, coming here and reading and venting has helped me a great deal...just my personal recommendation. Be honest about how proactive you are in your recovery. It takes a hell of a lot of work. If you need help getting a boost, there is nothing wrong with asking your doctor for some medication like mild anti-depressents or anti-anxiety pills - whatever they feel might help. I know it's rough, but chances are, one day you'll be looking back, being proud of yourself that you are far removed from a situation like that.
Nov 9 - 10AM
quietude (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

whatever

You've been away from him, NC right?
Nov 9 - 9AM
Beachcolors
Beachcolors's picture

He is only going to ruin you

He is only going to ruin you if you let this take over. I know how much it hurts. It is awful and it seems no one understand whats going on with this relationship, including you. That's normal because these people are not! It's normal for you to be spinning...depressed...feeling stupid...angry...because you have been taken on a very rough ride. Continuing threapy is probably a good idea...getting your life back will be tough but you can do it in time. One thing I did to help myself remember the bad this is simple and sounds stupid but it really worked. I took a poster board, post-it's and a black marker. I wrote down one bad trait or bad feeling or bad thing about my N on each post it and filled the poster board. I hung it on my mirror where I get ready in the mornings. I would move it around the house with me on those days when I was missing him. It really helped train my mind to associate those negative feelings with him. I guess I trained my mind to think in terms of the truth instead of what he pretened to be. Hope it helps.
Nov 9 - 11AM (Reply to #2)
4joys4
4joys4's picture

You've been through therapy?

You've been through therapy? Well, you need more. Lots more. You are not finished. And try group therapy too. It's really helped me to see parts of myself in others and help me change for the better.
Nov 10 - 2PM (Reply to #3)
itreallyisabouthim
itreallyisabouthim's picture

I'm glad you're feeling

I'm glad you're feeling better. I'm so glad I don't miss my N. I can't stop crying today, though, as I watch this Fort Hood memorial.
Nov 10 - 2PM (Reply to #4)
whatever2009
whatever2009's picture

Thanks

Thanks itsreallyabouthim....I feel a bit better but my anxiety is killer today.