I can't get over him dumping me

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#1 Jun 25 - 1PM

NinjaGirl

I can't get over him dumping me

My narcissist dumped me five times over a six-year period. All I can think about are the good times, even the good times toward the end, and wondering if maybe he really wasn't a narcissist and maybe this really could have worked out if I had been different somehow.

You can read about him in the Share my Story section, but I'm having a hard time today because he sent me an email yesterday (just a link to something he knew I'd find amusing), and then late last night he signed up for Facebook, even though he swore for years that he'd never sign up for a social networking site like that, and he hated sites like that.

I wonder if it's just to find a new girlfriend, my friend thinks it's to replenish his supply, and my mom's gut instinct is that he's doing it to stalk me or spy on me because I'm no longer emailing him, and stopped since Monday.

But I just feel like it was my fault, and maybe he wasn't a narcissist, and keep thinking about the good times that weren't only in the beginning. :(

#2 Jun 25 - 4PM

Lisa E. Scott

Ninjagirl

You mentioned that all you can remember are the good times. There's a reason for that. We all have what is called "selective memory," which our mind uses as a way to protect us. Good memories are much more readily available for recall in our memory. Bad memories are stored in a different part of the brain and are not as easily accessible. Our brain does this to protect us from remembering the details of bad memories or trauma. This is a good thing, however, it definitely puts us at a disadvantage when trying to stay away from the narcissist. Instead of remembering all the bad things, we remember the good times and begin idealizing the relationship. I did this so many times with my ex-husband that a friend of mine actually started writing down what he said to me so I would remember it when I got nostalgic and missed him. She wrote these things down and e-mailed them to me whenever I needed a reminder. Eventually, I began journaling these things on my own and it helped. Write everything down that he says or does so that you never forget and when you are idealizing him, you can open up your notebook and remember the terrible way he treated you so you will have no question in your mind to stay far away from him. Hang in there and stay away! You are so much better off!

#3 Jun 25 - 7PM (Reply to #27)

NinjaGirl

Thank you, Lisa

I actually do have a list of items I've started accumulating. I mean, bad or inconsiderate things he's done. I just don't know how it was me who did so much for others during our relationship, yet he got all the praise and attention for it. I meant nothing to these people, even though I nearly killed myself trying to be kind to them. Granted, most of them were his friends to begin with, but I treated them better than he did! It's seriously unreal. I bet he's going to start calling up the ones he said he didn't like now that we're no longer together. He's even trying to take some my friends, and the males friends who were my friends first are trying not to take sides. It really annoys me. Grrr. I'm not giving too much of myself to any of these people anymore.

#4 Jun 27 - 1PM (Reply to #28)

Lisa E. Scott

Ninjagirl

No, don't give any of yourself to people who won't appreciate it. They don't deserve it. Glad you're writing things down so you don't forget why you want nothing to do with him ever again. xoxo

#5 Jun 25 - 2PM

AnotherPath

I read your story. Whether

I read your story. Whether he's a narcissist or not he sounds right up his own arse, and weird with all that transy stuff. You'll be glad one day that you're not with him, but right now you're hurting. Just remember nothing was your fault, he doesn't deserve you, block him on facebook.

Ending the dance

#6 Jun 25 - 4PM (Reply to #21)

NinjaGirl

Thank you

Oh, I did, immediately. But I still question whether he was a narcissist or not. A lot of his actions say so, but he doesn't completely match what a lot of other women here say about theirs, so I worry maybe he wasn't.

#7 Jun 28 - 8PM (Reply to #25)

Amy

NinjaGirl

I have gone through the same thing - wondering if he "really" is a narcissist. By BFF is a psychologist and says that he is, without a doubt, one of the most clinically messed up people she has met outside of when she worked on a mental ward! Just because he isn't identical to some of the N's we have dealt with, don't think he is "healthy". And, as I have found, mine has gotten worse over the course of the 6 years I have known him. He is 40 now and it is completely miserable!

#8 Jun 26 - 6AM (Reply to #22)

TNR1

Every N is different....

They are not cookie cutters of each other. Each one is influenced by their respective families and their experiences. He may not be NPD in the classic sense, but even if he shows "some" of the characteristics of an N, why would you want that? Seriously...it's a question I've even asked myself after I was D&D'd.

#9 Jun 26 - 7AM (Reply to #23)

NinjaGirl

True

Ok, I keep wondering...what does D&D stand for? I've looked all over. I have suspicions, but I don't know for sure.

#10 Jun 26 - 7AM (Reply to #24)

TNR1

Devalue and Discard

Read this blog post: http://www.lisaescott.com/2010/06/24/narcissists-cycle-idealization-devaluation

#11 Jun 25 - 2PM

PumpKyn80

Mind Games

They play mind games. I remember when I first broke up with my N, because of all of the mind games he was playing i.e. not picking up the phone, or telling me he will call me back and not doing it..same pattern over and over again for weeks and I finally got fed up and text him "its over!!!" and all he replied with was "ok but I still love you always." Oddly enough, I was the one who ended up feeling bad thinking he loves me but I was overreacting. Should have known at the time if he really loved me, he would not have casually reacted the way he did. I should have stuck to my guns then but I was feeling guilty for hurting him (although now I know I really did not). So then I apologized and apologized and begged him to stay...then after that a few days later the exact same behavior surfaced again. See the point is, is that they manipulate you into second guessing and doubting yourself and they hope you just remember the good times and take them back. But the good times they presented was just to hook you nothing more. Please don't second guess yourself thinking it is you and not them. It is them!!! they are NOT good guys, no matter how many good times you had.

#12 Jun 25 - 4PM (Reply to #17)

NinjaGirl

I know you're right

But I guess I feel like since he dumped me (repeatedly, over stupid things), there must be something wrong with me. At least you got to dump yours. There were times I wanted to dump mine, but then I felt scared and addicted to him and like I didn't want to hurt him, even though I've broken up with guys in the past. Oh, but he still wants me as a friend. Yeah, right.

#13 Jun 26 - 6AM (Reply to #18)

Scoop

When a man repeatedly dummps

When a man repeatedly dummps you and d&ds you blaming you for it and implying if you where a better person he wouldnt have to do it ..this is patholgical behaviour . He is in fact say you "you brought this pain on yourself through your own failigs .. "this is the same manover as a man who beats his wife and says after "you made me do it ".. again pathological .. it is a very sick manipulation by a very sick man ... dont fall for it .

#14 Jun 26 - 7AM (Reply to #19)

NinjaGirl

Scoop

You make a very, very good point. He's not worth it. I just hope I can get over him soon.

#15 Jun 25 - 2PM

secondchance

seriously?

you really need to take a minute to think about if this is how you deserve to be treated? don't you deserve better?? they never change. you might as well be waiting for the moon to turn into cheese or something.

#16 Jun 25 - 7PM (Reply to #15)

NinjaGirl

No, you're absolutely right

I don't deserve to be treated this way. I'm no longer going to accept this kind of treatment.

#17 Jun 25 - 2PM

TNR1

I understand...

I think one of the traits that an N exploits is our desire to make things work. It is then easy for the N to make us feel that any issue was our fault. We get into the "if only" thinking pattern that does no one any good. Ns are great at saying one thing one day and doing absolutely the opposite the next. Social media (just like online dating sites) are great places for Ns because they can get NS without too much effort or interaction.

#18 Jun 25 - 7PM (Reply to #13)

NinjaGirl

You're right

I'm glad I had the instinct to block him as soon as I started seeing his setup information appearing on my feed. Now I can't see him and he can't see me.

#19 Jun 25 - 2PM

Steph

NinjaGirl

I could have wrote that myself several months ago. I understand that feeling of remebering the fun, sweet times and then blaming myself and thinking he's great. The more you read here though, the more you see how similar these guys are. They may present themselves differently and some are higher functioning than others and so more subtle or covert in their abuse, but their core personality is the same. They all manipulate, blame, use emotional abuse etc. You say maybe you could have done something differently.....well what could you have possibly done different. You said he broke up with you suddenly for stupid reasons....5 times!!! That's emotionally abusive in itself! And VERY NARClike. He can't understand why you would have mistrust with him after that? Of course not. Narcs can't EMPATHIZE with anyone. This remembering the good and then thinking it must be you is a very NORMAL reaction after these relationships. It takes time to get his blaming manipulations out of your head. Keep reading and learning and have no contact. You will begin to see things clearer. Are you in councelling? I know it doesn't seem like it now, but you will stop blaming yourself and you will see that he is the problem, NOT you. Take it day by day and keep writing here. We've all been there and it sucks big time, but we will help carry you through this. xoxo

#20 Jun 25 - 4PM (Reply to #4)

NinjaGirl

Thank you very much

Yes, I am in counseling. My psychologist thinks my ex is a narcissist, and he's happy that I'm out of the relationship and hoping my ex will change his mind. He thinks now we'll be able to start making headway on my issues like insecurity. I guess even when I don't feel guilt or longing for him, I wonder if he's going to find someone soon (he says he misses having a girlfriend, but I'm only the third he's ever had, he's 31, and the other two dumped him after short periods of time) and be super happy with her and want to marry her. He never wanted to commit too much to me. Thank you so much for your words. The more I can believe that the problem is him and not me, the better I feel. When I'm feeling better, I hope to help others, but right now I'm struggling.

#21 Jun 25 - 5PM (Reply to #10)

Steph

one more thing NinjaGirl

"hoping my ex will change his mind." your therapist wants your ex to change his mind on breaking up with you? Am I misunderstanding that part?

#22 Jun 25 - 7PM (Reply to #11)

NinjaGirl

No, sorry

My therapist is glad I'm no longer hoping my ex will change his mind. My therapist is glad I'm not still holding out for reconciliation. He thinks the final breakup or whatever is the best thing that could have happened to me. He might have even said the relationship was toxic.

#23 Jun 25 - 5PM (Reply to #7)

Steph

NinjaGirl

I am glad you are in councelling:) you mentioned a few times that you worry he is not a narcissist. I worried about that too with mine. Even though a therapist was the first to mention narcissism to me and a psychologist later told me the same thing about him,I still looked for loopholes. I think part of it is that if we blame ourselves, we have some element of control over the relationship - we can change ourselves. If we accept it is him, then we have to accept that we have no control. I would obsess over details and which traits he fit and which ones he didn't ( or that i hadn't seen yet ), and i would go over and over and over. We obsess about placing the proper label on him and then lose sight of what is important. And that is that he is not or has not treated you well. You did not bring it on. there was nothing you could have done differently. You are not to blame. He is disordered. I looked back at my xN's relationship history. Never had a relationship last longer than 1.5 years. Has even told me of things he had done that were abusive - although he wouldn't call it abuse- just said he could be an ahole lol, had jealousy and control issues, mommy issues, and several other things. Point is, when my head was clear I could see he has had these problems LONG before i came into the picture and will continue to have the same problem with every woman after me. When your head starts clearing, you will see this too. Everyone of these jerks can act nice. That's what keeps us there. So try not to get too caught up in that. Doesn't excuse any of the crap behaviour. Write down the bad things and reread it s often as necessary. I did that and it really works! Keep posting. This takes a long time to heal from but you will get there and we will help you along the way:) xoxo

#24 Jun 25 - 5PM (Reply to #8)

GIJ

It is hard to come to terms with

At least it was for me. I didn't want to believe my narc was a narc. i held out for quite a while. The evidence kept mounting and I was literally dizzy and incapacitated for months trying to understand it all. Thankfully, I reviewed emails form a colleague also involved with the org. She and others were in constant melt down - before I was. I saw words like "evil" and "narc" so I started googling. That's when my sanity started to be restored. i could finally see a light at the end of the hellish tunnel. Really, who wants to admit you have been dealing with evil? Conned? Played? Shit on? Used? Abused? Living a lie that hurts like hell? Is it any wonder we cling to the fantasy? Not to mention the reality of brain washing and manipulation to control us? Agreed - keep writing, learning, and healing. Therapy is wonderful stuff and works. Know that you will get through this.

#25 Jun 25 - 7PM (Reply to #9)

NinjaGirl

I keep HOPING someone will tell me he's a narcissist

My psychologist, who never met him, said he sounds like he is. I keep hoping he really is. Because then I can let go of this feeling like we were in love so long, and realize that it was only me that was causing the love. That the good feelings came from ME and not from HIM, you know? Yes, he did a lot of nice things he didn't have to do for me. But he also took credit for a lot of things that I did, and his friends thought that he was awesome because of things *I* did. Actually, want to know the craziest part? My best friend, who is male, is the one who helped me do a lot of things for my ex-N's friends. My ex-N is the one who got credit from everyone, except one couple. One couple was nice enough to always thank me and my best friend. My best friend would give up everything in the world for me. Sadly, because he's nice and safe and too sweet, I find him boring, even though he adores the crap out of me. He also makes more money, is more independent (unlike my ex-N who lives at home and has money issues), and is more of a man. How messed up am I?? I want the one who treats me like dirt, and the sweet one always tags along, picking up the pieces and calling me beautiful. *sigh*

#26 Jun 25 - 4PM (Reply to #5)

trying2overcome

self-doubt

NinjaGirl, self doubt is natural. I do it atleast once a day it seems. I am pretty sure everyone on here has at some point. It is much easier to remember the good times .. I think because that is what your heart CHOOSES to remember. I have had a bad day today .. broke contact in the WORST way and everyone told me to write down the bad stuff .. it is a good idea and you should do the same. Write down all the bad things and when you start dreaming that he is wonderful pull them out and read them .. I am going to do that very thing tonight. It is not You ... IT IS HIM ... he is not some wonderful guy and he will not move on and be happier ... he will repeat his patterns they always do!! Mine was loving and outwardly giving. In the physical things, helping around the house, cooking, running errands for you .. he was wonderful. Wanted to spend EVERY waking moment with me .. and I mean EVERY. It was unhealthy at best. But inwardly, emotionally and mentally he is as selfish as they come .. he can not get past himself and yours sounds the same way. and I should mention ... the other things that he did do .. ALWAYS came back to haunt me because he reminded me of them relentlessly. So really .. most of the time they even cancel out their good too. this is the one time in our lives that we need to be concentrating on the negative only!!! I feel for your struggle .. I am there as well. I hope you have a good weekend .. NC !! :-) xxoo

#27 Jun 25 - 7PM (Reply to #6)

NinjaGirl

I have definitely written down the bad things

I'm sorry you're going through a hard time, too. I honestly don't know what I would have done without this site. I will think good thoughts your way, hon. Mine wanted to spend time with friends or alone or with me. He did want to spend time with me, but not ever make a commitment. He never went so far out of his way that it was extraordinary. And yet I kept taking him back... Here's to hoping we stay strong, now and in the future.

#28 Jun 25 - 2PM

rainbow1

Mine did the same thing. He

Mine did the same thing. He NEVER wanted a Facebook ever! When we were together I didnt have one either. But once we broke up I got one and he found out. The next day he went and got one too. My mom had the same gut instinct that it was to stalk me on it. Make yours private and dont let him see what you are up to! Try your hardest not to look at his either. I know it is hard but you can do it!

_______________________________________________
"dont let yesterday take up too much of today"

#29 Jun 25 - 7PM (Reply to #2)

NinjaGirl

I already had a Facebook

But I suspect my ex-N is doing it to replenish his PN supply, or to find a new SN supply. I have no idea. All I know is that I blocked him as soon as I started seeing him appear on my feed, even though he hadn't yet accepted the friend request/invite I sent him two years ago.

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