I cannot play this game anymore......

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#1 Dec 13 - 7AM
hope29's picture

I cannot play this game anymore......

Dear J,

I have been playing this silly game now for the last 8 months, one in which every single month I feel degraded, guilty, ashamed, hurt and most of all not good enough! I have been twisting myself inside out to make you love me, but it is impossible and I physically and mentally can not do this no more. I am always there for you with a big smile on my face and with loving arms open, always ready to be there for you in times of need and always happy to help you and cheer you up. I get nothing back, only one week a month of constant attention, of wanting sexual encounters with me, usually through text messages, and the odd time I have actually gave in and we slept together. The worst thing is, is that each time I get entangled in this, I loose myself and nothing else matters, I'm totally preoccupied by you, and your the only thing I can think about, even when i am asleep I dream of you! After we have slept together, it is always the same, you go distant and cold and I just know what's coming every single time.. your suddenly extremely busy, too busy to be in contact..This last time has been the worst, instead of being only interested in sexual encounters, you have been loving and nice to me, helped me with fixing my laptop and printer and actually been interested in more then sex...When you told me you had split up with S, and how unhappy you were with her and how she had hit you, it made me have a tiny bit of hope, that just maybe you might want to come back so we could be a happy family, so my fairy tale ending would come true. However I could sense that you was not in the slightest bit interested in coming back, I was just useful for a good chat, and some sex. The worst thing is, I have known what you was all about for over a year now and I just cant seem to shake you off, I feel like we have a magnetic connection and once you come back round, making your comments or being overly nice the game starts again, but I cannot start this game again now, It has gone on for too long, this week knowing you have gone back to S after using me for a week and making me feel special has been the final straw, I feel like you have dumped me all over again like 14months ago!!!. I know that actions must speak louder then words, and with this anxiety and panic which I am feeling and been faced with; not being good enough to you again, I have to end this horrible game, I feel so alone and isolated as no one knows what has been going on as everyone would go mad at me, I also feel guilty on you girlfriend. I understand that this situation is on repeat until I wake up and heal and feel good enough to myself, but I really prey that this is the end of this torturous cycle. It is just so hard to stop, as you are so persistent each time, and really do not give in and because I love you so much, I just want you so bad. I am no way blaming you for this situation, I am just as much to blame for this horrible situation as you are, as I take part in the game every single time after a bit of persuasion but not this time.

I have to let you go with love now and can not continue to play this game anymore... I'm done now for ever !!!

Dec 17 - 8PM
Annjennings1958's picture

Stay strong, he is

Dec 13 - 8AM
Hunter's picture

Good luck !