I broke NC:(

He texted me at 6am(!) saying he needed his PayPal login. I could have not responded, but I know he's flat broke. So, then the texts start coming in ORDERING ME to check his email and take care of this PayPal thing. And I flipped...I took the bait, I let him have it, I called him on on everything I could think of and told him to google NPD and then I should have turned off the phone. But the typical subtle abuse started, me defending myself against the character assaults, how I "did this to him" (abandoned, I guess)and I am UNWORTHY (hit that one on head), that he should and wishes he would have done something to hurt me so that I could at least justify what I did to him. I assured him his damage was thorough and I'm sure he's all high now on the intensity of his impact. I also thanked him for his hatefulness one last time and it really makes it much easier to heal my heart and close him off as I never want anyone to treat me like he had. He says, "YOU KNOW WHAT YOU ARE". WTF? I admit I cannot beat him at his mind-fucking, even though I know that's what it is, at some point he infiltrates me and levels me with just a thought, a word. I'm protected, and then I'm not..."poof" I've allowed myself to be abused. It's really weird how they just keep chipping away and you don't know how much they have taken from you - emotionally, mentally, physically, financially....until it's gone and there's not much left to pick up the pieces with.

I have to start over now. Back through the hellish days I've been before. Through doubt, fatigue, fog, confusion, self-loathing. Withdrawl really. I can't keep doing this to myself. I still have 7 days no physical contact - no need to break that. I guess the best thing I can do is go workout, finish my taxes, and clean my house. So depressed. Thank you veterans and fellow newbies for understanding and not judging. My therapist cut off contact with me several months ago when I let her down by going back. I know she meant well. I think unless you have been through it you can't possibly know.

Oh good, now a "love bomb" text. Break me down to the core so you can attempt to fill me up and re-claim me as "yours". And the minute you feel me coming around, throw in some jabs, self-pity, and how much you hate me. I WILL BE EXITING THE RIDE NOW. After a year and a half at the amusement park it is not where I want to be.