I am ugly

You just brought tears to my eyes my empathy is that strong. I feel the same way about myself. Wow. the parallels are so strong. I did scream that I was done with me mindfucking several times. My result was always the same: I'm wrong in his eyes. To them, our pain simply does not exist. It's all in our heads brought on by insecurity, jealousy, or we're simply insane. Hello? All we did was react like any normal person to the injustices, disrespect, degredation, berating and ABUSE they dished out! Duh! How hard is that to fathom as reality?

Hi Happy, I understand completly..i do agree that they do this so we will feel either easier to get back,under their control,damaged for the next guy,etc...I am going through the same thing..Althoug I wouldn't say the same word..ugly..i would say"broken"..yes I have suffered emotional abuse,verbal abuse..had I not already been down for the count because of the cheating I would have probably defended myself better..i wasn't subjected to any of it until he cheated and i caught him.Then it was full-fledged..I got ugly,gross,stupid,etc...When really he was just projecting..I know how you feel I know the feeling of looking in the mirror during that time and seeing someone I didn't recognize..And I don't mean by looks,I mean in my eyes,my spirit.I was stronger than this...I saw a frozen,battered soul..i don't see that anymore..i see someone broken that is put together back with glue and continuing to check if the glue is sticking or not..It is hard work..They break us down into pieces..We just have to find the pieces..like when you break a glass on the floor and find little pieces long after you thought you were done..Keep picking up the pieces and see yourself how you remember yourself and try to get her back.xoxox

I would like to recommend a book to you that I read years ago after a brief relationship with a textbook verbal/emotional abuser by author Patricia Evans. She has written a few on the subject and they are all good reads, but the one that I felt most useful for healing is "Verbal Abuse Survivors Speak Out". http://www.patriciaevans.com/book2.html This book does not focus on NPD at all, but it does have much to teach about the effects that emotional and verbal abuse has on victims and advice on how to recover from it. There are many anecdotes and quotes by survivors that are easy to relate to and offer lots of validation for the mind twisting views of ourselves that the abuser's brain washing causes. Your post today about how you are feeling strikes me as the result of such abuse and reminded me of that book. Sending hugs your way. Journey on...

{{{{happy}}}} hugs to you! First, you are a beautiful person, inside and out. Believe this. You don't need HIS affirmation or validation to make it so. If he didn't hurt you...would you be saying this? Many of us have allowed these men to frame our identities. But, we have to take back that control. Create a new normal for ourselves. It can be easy to start viewing yourself in a negative way, if someone keeps drumming that into your head. (especially someone you loved) This may be an odd analogy. But, think of Christ on the cross. Not sure if you are christian, but think of that for a moment. He was bloodied, bruised, beaten...humiliated. He was tortured by people who hated him. But, to me? His willingness to suffer for me ...for mankind...is what makes Him beautiful. Not comparing our plights to Christ's....but what makes you beautiful, despite your ordeal...is that you are a feeling human being. You suffered, and now are seeking to learn and grow from it. You are still standing! You gave your heart to someone who abused you, but the beauty of it all is...you gave your heart away, unconditionally. Many don't. Many have never loved. You took a risk, and yes, got hurt...but, that risk...your desire to give your all...is what makes you beautiful. The glow in your eyes might have dimmed right now, but it will come back. It will. But, hang your hat on the lessons learned...and how your beauty doesn't rest on what he thinks of you. It never did.

They do have a way of getting in our heads and making us feel that way don't they? Much like everything else though,this too shall pass in time. I can totally relate though. I told my mom once that it hurt so bad to be rejected by a reject. She told me to listen to what I had just said, I felt REJECTED by a REJECT. I knew he was disordered, or was he? Did I know for sure? Well maybe its not him and maybe its me. See this is the doubt they have instilled in us...always second guessing, and if we don't know for sure ourselves, how can anyone else know? How can they say I am beautiful? They don't see the pain inside, what are they seeing? They are simply seeing that which we don't or can't see right now. We are still the same beautiful woman who attracted the N in the first place. We haven't all of a sudden turned ugly over night, we only FEEL that way because of what we have experienced. Its nothing more than continuing the beat down that N had started. Going back time and time again, believing the lies that are spoon fed to us, we change inside, deep inside, in our hearts and in our souls...but our outside tends to stay the same, so yes, everyone will see the beautiful woman you are, while your soul screams out I am ugly...but you really aren't ugly...that is nothing more than the left over fodder the N instilled in you so you could continue to beat yourself down when he isn't around. Cant have you all up and feeling good about yourself and moving on now can he? You might move on and find someone new and then what good would you be to him? Make his job harder at trying to win you back, make it harder for him to bullshit his way back into your heart...come on now...you need to have NO self esteem and feel like total shit about yourself because that's what HE needs you to feel to make worming his way back in easier.... Don't you fall for it...you feel ugly because he planted that seed of doubt in you...much like all our N's planted seeds of doubt in all of us. Seeds of doubt planted and cultivated with more subtle lies and innuendos that tear away at our souls bit by bit...we were watered daily and tended to not with love but with malice...these N's tend their gardens well...they raise beautiful flowers who they hope to god never see their beauty or their worth because then they would smarten up and leave him.... YOU are beautiful, I am beautiful, WE are all beautiful...the woman in the mirror is simply trying to keep the N's work going....don't allow it. Every day you look yourself in the mirror and you tell yourself you are beautiful, you refuse to continue the N's handy work. Head up Happy1...hes terrified of the day you look in the mirror and see you truly are beautiful and you don't need him, because that will be the day he has lost his hold over you forever.

Please consider getting therapy for yourself from a trained professional who knows all about NPD, it is vital o your healing in my opinion, the man has brainwashed you and now you are still under his CONTROL, they are masters at what they do and you need to sart looking inward a yourself and get help to recover from this addiction that we all had at some point, so you may go on with your life. Pretty, attractive, they are all in the eyes of the beholder.............Do no let him ruin YOUR life.