I am surprised

at how much being hoovered has thrown me.

I went through the typical (I think) stages:

Of being devalued
Staying for more
Worse devaluation
Trying to make it better
Then the discard.
I was the girl who chased after the discard with 'whys', the 'pleads' and I got ignored..oh sorry..just one text saying I was a crazy psycho bitch.

And to be honest, looking back, I was. He made me into that. Turned me into someone who looked in the mirror and saw an ugly girl with no confidence, shattered and broken with the hurtful names.

So eventually I hit rock bottom, went to my doctor, explained all and started counselling. Together with the one on ones Id had with Goldie I started to understand myself, get stronger. I felt great, I was getting on with life.

As it had been left so many months, I really didnt think he'd hoover..Id seen stories on here of Ns coming back after years but mine was such a cocky shit I thought no way, he wouldnt give me 'that opening'.

I have to say my one line answer of 'fuck off you knob' felt good to say. I dont ever want to feel like I did a few months ago. This sounds selfish I know, it wasnt that I wanted to die, but I felt like NOTHING mattered, I just couldnt function, felt numb.

But even though I have been final in my 'fuck off', I am spinning and its surprised and upset me becuase I thought Id be better able to handle.

Part of it feels like a 'missed opportunity', I read Goldies brilliant post on 'why are you surprised that they get in touch at this time of year'..whats surprising me is now he has got in touch, why I feel the way I do.

I want to be able to answer it didnt matter, I told him where to go, he went off into the sunset and I carried on, but inside I feel like breaking down. I just wanted to vent and ask if anyone else felt similar emotions/or even different emotions?

Thanks x