I am caught up in self pity right now.

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#1 Sep 20 - 9PM

Miss Lewis

I am caught up in self pity right now.

I am caught up in self pity right now.
How the hell did my life end up like this??!!

I am 34 years old, I could have been married with children by now! I had so much love inside of me, so much light and joy!

I feel like a deflated balloon! I feel completely drained and empty inside! Is this how the Narc feels??!!
All I wanted was love! I am a loyal, honest, kind, one- man type of woman; the type that could love a man for a lifetime!

This feels like a nightmare! My life has become some sci-fi horror movie! No one would understand, so I try not to talk about it. I put on my happy face mask and make it through each day.

Life feels pointless right now. I feel like my life is one dark, long, endless tunnel. I used to be such a fighter. I don’t feel strong anymore. I am slipping into a depression.

I am so caught up in my own pain, I feel so envious and alienated from happy people. I feel disconnected. Like I am on my own deserted island watching life passing me by from a distance, as others live fully, in the moment. Oh, how I wish I could be one of those people.

It has only been 12 days of No-Contact, but that is irrelevant considering I forced myself to go No-Contact for a lifetime by filing for the No-Contact Order. It is final this time.

He was really out to destroy my soul! It is so strange, 2 weeks ago, we were so intimate. We were walking down the street, holding hands, rubbing noses, he was feeding me, opening doors for me, treating me to dinner. Strangers commented on how much of a cute couple we made. I was his princess, the smartest, kindest, funniest girl. His best friend. Lovemaking with him was sweet, tender, with tons of kissing and eye contact.

The next day, I was a worthless whore, ugly, old, skinny, disgusting, embarrassing to be seen with. He was so extreme and the Ultimate Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.
I know he is the monster, but his loving side was so loving. He was truly from another planet. Memories are flooding back and I am realizing the layers upon layers of deception.

I feel all alone, ugly, unlovable and self conscious. He did a number on me. It will be a long time before I can open up or trust another. Why? Why? Why me??!!

I have to pick up the pieces of my life all alone. So much to do, but I can barely get out of bed. This time it is hitting me worse than ever. Please tell me it gets much better than this in time!!!!

#2 Sep 20 - 10PM

Okay1150

And that is

just the way it goes. I was the one that saved him Now I am a CeeUNextTuesday. It will get better. Taking the goggles off and realizing you are a person of worth - better than this.. Yes, they a a wolf in sheep's clothing. Don't feel bad ever that they drew you in...

#3 Sep 20 - 10PM

Sunafterrain

UGH!

It wasn't just nine months ago that I was in your boat. I so feel your pain. I'm so very sorry. Even though I still struggle with the pain too, it isn't nearly what it was when I was just two weeks out. I understand how much you're hurting, I wish there was something more I could do to help, but you'll be in my prayers tonight. You're very strong for doing what you did in forever no contact. It's so hard. Just hang in there...

#4 Sep 20 - 9PM

Pride and Shame

It Does Get Better

It Does Get Better and I don't expect you to believe this, but you can absolutely put your trust into it. Trust that we felt as bad as you feel now. It's so hard to quantify pain, but God, I felt it. It takes time and distance and education and perspective. It is slow, but ohhhh so worthwhile when you start getting out of the abyss. It's like when you do an eye test for glasses. The doctor will say "Is it better with the A lens or the B lens?" and keep going through the various lenses. Things will start to look better and come into focus. Its ever so gradual. You just need to trust this. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain. Hugs to you today!!

#5 Sep 20 - 9PM

buckwheatpj

I think its ok

I think its ok to have a little self pity. Look at all you've been through. Be upset, feel sorry for yourself, grieve, cry, throw something......then stop. Inhale exhale....and if necessary repeat. You are 100% human. You have been hurt and I would think something was wrong with you if you weren't able to show feelings. Just remember you are an amazing woman. Obviously you are resilient and once you heal from this trauma....and you've begun "physical therapy". You will be whole again. But it takes time and patience. Be patient with yourself. You will find love again.....and you will know without a doubt what a narc looks like and you will not feel how you feel ever, ever again. Narcs suck.....resilient women rule ;)

#6 Sep 20 - 9PM

Dema

There is light

I told a lady at my church I was miserable and she found me a group of friends - other divorced women. Nobody had an N, but they had divorced a guy who could never be happy, a guy who thought women were there to serve and other such obnoxiousness. Having girlfriends has really helped. You did good. you really did. Keep on. It will get better.

#7 Sep 20 - 9PM

lilliandiane

Ms Lewis

This man did the exact same thing as if he punched you in the face and broke your nose. You didn't deserve it. You were a victim of an unbalanced predator. He was not your lover or your only ticket to love and happiness. He was a perpetrator of violence on you. What would YOU say to a woman who was raped and mugged if she were down on herself and believed love and romance had passed her by because of what had happened to her? You have a right to your feelings of sorrow and loss, but you have to fight back and let this guy know you are every bit the fox you were before and you will get past every horrible thing he said or did. Because he is a LOSER. Come on girl! Get up and get back on course. You are 34, for goodness sake. I had 3 babies after the age of 34. Plenty of time unless you lay on the couch and waste some more of it. Start right now and do some freakin' situps!

#8 Sep 20 - 9PM

ruby01 (not verified)

Miss Lewis

I gotta say what you did to that idiot was epic! You should be walking with your head held high because anyone that could pull themselves out of the hold that guy had on you is equal to Wonder Woman. In that situation you had zero chances at attaining what your heart desires, but now you have opened the door. I know that at this moment it is hard for you to realize, but it is reality. You have lost nothing and gained everything, and it is all because of your strength. He lost all his hard work. (Boo Hoo) I applaud you! XXX, Ruby

#9 Sep 20 - 9PM

Freedom101

It gets better with time and

It gets better with time and retraining your mind. When you think I'm old, change that thought into I'm young and vibrant. When you think you're ugly, change it around to I'm beautiful. He saw these things in you and others will too. The goal now is to convince yourself. Write a list out of all your good qualities. If you can't think of anything right now due to your depression, ask a friend to give you five things. They could be simple like I'm punctual, I'm honest, I'm kind. Carry those five things on a card with you. When the bad thoughts come, read the list. Eventually you will believe those five and begin to make the list longer yourself. It's about getting your self esteem back and only you can do that for yourself for it actually to mean something, so you won't be attracted to and stick to the next narc that comes along.

#10 Sep 20 - 9PM

Unfreakinreal

I have no words.

Your post just broke my heart. I am so very sorry. Xoxo

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