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I allow myself

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#1 Dec 7 - 5PM
jen79
jen79's picture

I allow myself

I posted this in the other threat, but I thought this might be worth opening a special threat for that.

first thanks for all the responses, they all helped me alot. And the boddom line seems to be make peace with where you are, and allow yourself to go through it...again.

And after having a minute a suicidal thought again, thinking thats my lowest point again, I decided to clean it up all NOW...to find any relief..any.

So I decided some things. And yes it brought me relief.

1. I allow myself to be angry.
2. I allow myself to be selfish and thinking only about me.
3. I allow myself to be not liked by some people.
4. I allow myself to be a selfish screwy girlfriend, friend, daughter, sister, if that means I can only protect myself in that way by annoying others...so be it.
5. I allow myself to NOT fight for anyone anymore, to make them feel better, to improve them, to save them, to heal them, to fix them, I allow myself to give those things up.
6. I allow myself to not trying to manifest again the happy vision I had once with me and the narc...I allow myself to give that up.
7. I allow myself to be sloppy, unemployed, a looser who still needs help from family...yes I was left alone with 16 and fighted since then to get along in life alone, now I allow myself to NOT get along alone in life, and I let my family help me in every way they can, and I wont feel guilty about that. Its my right, I allow myself to feel entitled to that.
8. I allow myself to be a nasty daughter, as my father probrably thinks now of me, cause HE now has to pay back my study credit. He never payed anything for me, left me alone my since 16, didnt care if I have enough to eat, now its time for HIM to pay the price for that. No lawyer he can exploit, but a daughter who didnt make it as a lawyer, cause HE didnt care how I finish my study. Karma bus.
9. I allow myself to accept it, lets say its true, I am not good enough for the N, not beautiful, not interesting, not successful enough, too needy, too crazy, too eratic, too ugly...whatever it was for him...so be it, then I am not good enough for him..so what. I'll be good enough for myself, and that'll be enough for now.
10. I allow myself to give up for now on any romantic thoughts, kids, family...I give it up. I can also live alone and having a dog...they at least always love you.
11. I allow myself to demand to have only nice friends. I will not accept any screwy wishy washy friendship anymore. Even if that means I am an intollerant, screwed up person, so be it.
12. I allow myself to be oversensitive, overreactive.
13. I allow myself to have weird unexplainable love feelings towards the N, even if I cannot find any logical reason anymore why he shall be so lovable, but from time to time I still feel it.
14. I allow myself to look sloppy, with my casual clothes, and I allow myself to reject any stupid questions about what I am doing right now, cause I am not doing anything but healing.
15. I allow myself to have a weird past, full of drama, pain and suffer, and much more experience than the everage in my age. Yes thats not like in a happy sunshine rainbow movie...with daddy taking care his daughter gets a good man...yes it was screwed up all the way. So be it.

So be it all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dec 8 - 10PM
TNR1
TNR1's picture

There is something so

There is something so amazing about accepting yourself where you are. There is a strength that comes from putting down the sword of fighting and just "being", just "feeling", just "flowing". Glad you are feeling better!
Dec 8 - 7AM
nh22
nh22's picture

wow

I love your list! I so need to get to that point. How did you get yourself there? I am exactly like you in wanting to please EVERYONE. Make everyone happy. I want to live for me and not care what others think. It would be such a relief and a calming if I could get there. Thank you for your list.
Dec 8 - 11AM (Reply to #11)
jen79
jen79's picture

nh22

pure exhaustion brought me to that point. Pure exhaustion...I just cannot do anything else anymore then doing the list above...its liberating indeed. A ton of weight left me the minute I wrote it.
Dec 7 - 6PM
Briseis
Briseis's picture

You know what Jen? I think

You know what Jen? I think you are on to something good :) Wherever you are at, right now, is where you are. You are accepting this. That is the first step in moving forward, really. How can you get pointed in a better direction when you aren't even allowing yourself to be where you are? How can you go in a direction starting from nowhere?
Dec 7 - 6PM (Reply to #9)
jen79
jen79's picture

I think so too Brie

I feel relief for today...so it must be something...I am so tired of fighting against the current...tired of trying not to look like somethings wrong with me. Something IS wrong with me right now...and I allow myself to admit it and heal, so i dont put any extra shame and guilt on me.
Dec 7 - 5PM
becsta777
becsta777's picture

9. I allow myself to accept

9. I allow myself to accept it, lets say its true, I am not good enough for the N, not beautiful, not interesting, not successful enough, too needy, too crazy, too eratic, too ugly...whatever it was for him...so be it, then I am not good enough for him..so what. I'll be good enough for myself, and that'll be enough for now. This is something I really struggle with still. I love your list, its so important to accept ourselves for who we are. Dont be afraid to try again with someone else someday though. I've just finished reading a book called "reinventing your life" and its given me a lot of insight into why I do things and why I always end up with Narcs. I feel a lot of hope for the future now, but I know there will be some hard work ahead. love to you :)
Dec 7 - 5PM (Reply to #7)
jen79
jen79's picture

becsta

Thanks for the book tip. One day for sure romance will come to me again. But not now. I am 31. I have time to be alone, family and all those stuff, kids and so on, this can wait for now. I wont panick about it anymore.
Dec 7 - 5PM
Susan32
Susan32's picture

I allow myself to be a poltergeist...

The ex-Psych professor accused me of being one, anyhow. A force that can't be controlled or reasoned with. It does what it wants. Call me an ungrateful student. Call me one of your mockers. Call me the one who compares you to her baby nephew WITHOUT SHAME. I don't care! He probably blames me for the fact he lost his freedom with his parents moving in, his girlfriend trapping him into marriage by getting pregnant (that was one of his biggest fears) and being stuck with "snot nosed kids" (his term). Well, maybe it's because I'm a goddess and I know how to punish those mere mortals who fail to respect me? He can start burning the incense and groveling. Right now. That's how Astarte punishes those who fail in respecting her. Faithful kelabim know the favors of the goddess of love and passion. Happy are they who dance with the sistrum and the drum. But woe unto the Kelebh* who fails to fulfill his promises! *Kelebh and kelabim are variations on the Hebrew word for "dog" or "rabid dog." In ancient times, the kelabim (dogs) of Astarte were cross-dressing eunuch priests. The Bible calls them male temple prostitutes.
Dec 7 - 5PM (Reply to #2)
jen79
jen79's picture

Susan

He called you a poltergeist, cause he couldnt control you. So be it. Thats maybe the greatest compliment you ever got from him. He couldnt make you a supply in a romantic way, cause he sensed right away, you are no good supply material..to uncontrollable. Thats totally wonderful. And you inner strength, he sensed in you, must have scared him so much, to call you a poltergeist. No wonder he discarded you then so nasty. Thats so funny, with them, they cant just say, she is not IT. They have to devalue and discard, abuse you, humilate you, to move on from you.
Dec 8 - 5PM (Reply to #5)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

A little strangeness...

"He couldn't make you supply in a romantic way"-And that's the sad irony. I was romantically interested in him; I did see him as a potential boyfriend/spouse... but I wasn't just going to leap into bed with him. He knew I was enamored of him. Yet he and I never got as far as the casual dating stage because I didn't feel safe around him. I dated a grad student who lived across the street from him (the grad student didn't know the ex-Psych professor even lived there, the ex-P was so hermetic)... and we'd sit on the couch, watching movies in the dark, and I'd feel SAFE. I NEVER felt safe enough with the ex-P to cuddle up on a couch with him in the dark watching a movie. When I was with him in the coffee shop, my body would stiffen and tense up. I'd be hyper-vigilant. But then again, he compared me to a character in "War and Peace" who says "I'm the person everybody likes! Everybody likes me!" while he's getting shot at on the battlefield. This is the same man who said he'd "hunt me down" because I revealed "Wittgenstein, Tolstoy and the Meaning of Life" to my classmates. This is the same man who fantasized to his male followers about how he wanted me to drop dead after my grandfather died. This is the man who said he was destroying himself. "No good supply material"- He did give me crumbs... and towards the end, I was giving HIM crumbs of NS. There's a Listmania! on Amazon all about NPD that has a biography of Sofia Tolstoy, and the List author speaks of Sofia "destroying herself so she could prop Leo up." We often perceive Ns/Ps as forces of nature, causing disruption. The ex-P perceived me as a force of nature, rather than an object he could master. In an odd way, his perception of me reflected my perception of him. Attraction and repulsion. Simultaneously. In a twisted way, because I am empathic, he did make himself vulnerable to me. Vulnerability IS necessary for a relationship. After the final D&D, I told him how I had felt his feelings (yeah, they all happened to be negative) He denied them saying "That isn't the real me." But I told him that his negative actions came from his negativity. My freshman year, he said he was afraid that I'd take advantage of his weaknesses. After the final D&D, there was the senior skit. The closing scene was myself, and a fellow student pretending to be the ex-P. It would end with me (starring as myself) living happily ever after and getting a kiss from the ex-P. During the performance, when that final scene was performed, one of the ex-P's male students shouted, "Hey! That's Mr. T--!" To some extent, I was able to mock myself in the skit... I got to be myself in the skit. When the male follower made his remark, the ex-P made a dash for the exit. He had been sitting towards the front, so his exit must've been a swift retreat. And once he was out of my life... I got to be myself.
Dec 7 - 5PM (Reply to #3)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

Poltergeists: Full of awesome

I've been watching lots of paranormal shows lately. "Ghost Hunters" is about a pair of Roto Rooter rednecks who do supernatural investigations on the side. Dude 1: Did that door just open? Dude 2: I think it did! Whoooa!!!! Dude 1: Let's do an EVP session. Considering how I've broken NC occasionally, I am officially "poltergeist" status. A disembodied impersonal force, since he hasn't seen me in a decade. For him, not all attention was the same. He did NOT like being mocked. He fled from it. On foot even. Poltergeists know how to use the US Postal Service to their advantage. Poltergeists are known to be pranksters as well. This poltergeist should've sent him the "I love drag queens" bumper sticker... but that's for another time... Not only was I uncontrollable, but I KNEW his vulnerabilities. The fact he HATED it when I was happy, being myself, or ridiculed him-he AVOIDED me when I engaged in such behaviors. Weird. Whenever I've broken NC in the past decade I've done that trifecta. A poltergeist could probably do an "I love you after a decade" stunt... only to be followed with "Well, I DID compare you with my baby nephew because your Daddy and his Daddy have the same name...LOL... just kidding..." *mulls the possibilities*
Dec 8 - 11AM (Reply to #4)
helldweller
helldweller's picture

Susan and bumper stickers

Just dropped in for a second and saw this. I was going to put on his car several bumper stickers: "Cops Suck" "Pedophiles have Rights Too" and "Go back to Mexico" because he drives through an almost 100% Mexican neighborhood on his way to work. I figured if I couldn't beat him up someone else should--and would if they knew what he's like. Just helping get the word out. Didn't buy them, though. Probably a good thing.