Hypervigilance?

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#1 Jan 16 - 10PM

StudentOfLife

Hypervigilance?

Howdy to all my sisters on the path forward! It ha been quite some time since I hv posted, tho I have been checking in here from time to time. Feeling a little bit selfish for not having contributed for so long, and now I have a post I really need to get out here.

I think I have been doing so-so in my recovery, although I did not wait the recommended 18 months before commencing a new relationship. (somewhat new). Three months had passed after my break up with narcboy when my sister invited an old flame of mine from nearly 12 years ago to my 40th birthday party. It was a nice gesture, and he was always so nice in many ways. Tho, at the same time obviously there was something lacking or I guess it would've worked out first time around. I chalked it up to immaturity and lack of communication... Not even poor communication, just lack of it. So..... Because it was him, this flame from mynpast... I decided to see where it goes.

Well, when things are good, they are very good.... Good times are easy. So far however there have been three conversations that have gone the same direction every time and all have evolved quickly into arguments. Newhart happens is I voice a how I am feeling about a particular topic, very calmly might I add (it isn't like I haven't had practice at this)... For instance how I am feeling like he is hiding me from his grown son or clearing up whether after a fantastic weekend together..... He really really just said he sort of likes having me in his life "pretty much". Even my simply asking him for clarification on what he meant by that....how much is pretty much..... Caused him to turn around and raise his voice and say "okay, now it's MY turn to get offended, turns the whole thing around and suddenly it's all about him. Sound familiar? This happened the last discussion as well. Rather than hearing me acknowledging what I am saying and being the least bit concerned, he is immediately on the defensive. Somehow it's my fault that he didn't invite me over or answer his phone during the two and a half weeks his son was home. I should have invited myself. Oh, why didn't I think of that?

These are Hufe red flags for me! None of these conversations should've turned into argument. This is not what I expected at all an I am so so sad.

I am trying to weigh the situation and figure out whether I am being Hypervigilance. I really want to get back to counseling soonish.

#2 Jan 17 - 9AM

helldweller

hypervigilance

I have not been on this forum in a really long time, but I'm back for this very reason. I'm in a relationship with someone I really like, really love, who I met about a year after I found out about the narc's many other women. I never, ever thought I could break free of the narc and really and truly give my heart to another man, but I have. The problem is, I go from one extreme to another. One moment I will be totally blindly trusting everything he says and does, even things that I should demand proof of, because I don't want him to bear the burden of what the narc did to me. Then the next minute I am screaming at him that he doesn't love me because I texted him a 8am and didn't hear from him until 2 in the afternoon and I've "been through this before and don't need to be slowly neglected to the brink of death again" etc, etc, etc. Well, I feel like this poor guy doesn't know what hit him and, even though he knows what I went through with the narc and has a lot of the same trust issues from his marriage (his wife cheated on him multiple times), I feel I'm doomed to push him away with my lack of trust and neediness. I don't know what's "normal" anymore. Mine says the same thing to me: "You are welcome here anytime." And I think, well it's not the same as you asking me over. He says, "I love you. You know that." And I do, but I feel so alone no matter how much I know that. Again, I feel like I'm steering us toward disaster and I can't stop it, because I can't stop myself from being distrustful and, moreover, from being incredibly needy and lonely. And I don't get it. I worked on all this stuff in counseling for three years. I should be cool with myself, shouldn't I? I shouldn't be putting my whole life in the hands of this person, but I am. We have so much fun together when we have time to be together, but we live about an hour and a half apart and both of us have young kids and elderly parents to care for, so why am I being so hard on him? And why am I expecting so much? Why can't I just be happy to have found love after what I went through?

#3 Jan 16 - 11PM

Night Owl

I understand where you are

I understand where you are coming from, it's a fine line between sticking up for yourself and being bitchy. Especially if your N was like mine and every time I rightfully tried to stand up for myself he would unfairly label me as being a bitch. I can see how not contacting you when his son was there would be a huge red flag. Also I know that after involvement with an N I will probably be very sensitive about whether the next guy I date is one too. Okay, I am not helping much here but just wanted to tell you I can see how you would question yourself.

#4 Jan 17 - 9AM (Reply to #3)

StudentOfLife

Thanks for the reply Night

Thanks for the reply Night Owl (i like the name btw!) It definitely does help. My exN did the same thing all the time whenever i tried to stand up for myself or simply talk about feelings, or anything else "real" that might have been unpleasant for him.... he turned everything around on me too and made me out to be a needy B****, and he actually went even farther than that to the extent i would be accused of making problems and he was the victim. He would intentionally say very hurtful things, i'd even catch him smurking about it.... then whine and make it all about himself, saying he could "never do anything right", wha? Yes, the thing with not meeting his son is like a re-run from our past first time around. He wouldn't introduce me then, and even though he knows my kids.... i believe HIS family (son, mom, sister...) know nothing of me. :( And how he could think he could turn it all around on me and somehow try to make me wrong for how i feel about it.... i can't understand. And him using this Divert and Block tactic in not just one but several of our "conversations" is the red flag. (all those years ago, our first go-round, i wasn't nearly as outspoken or sure-footed as i am at age 40) Yes, I am worried, feeling dissappointed and taking a couple steps back toward safer ground. You know? I was thinking a bit more about why in the world would he be so reserved about introducing me to his son. I have a new thought about this --- after further observation of his communication "style", and this trend he has to control conversations and actually raise his voice right away.... with me.... i see there's clearly another side of him. What if - ?He is actually this way with his son ALL THE TIME, on a whole, what if he doesn't want me to see that side? I dunno. Just a thought.

#5 Jan 17 - 9AM (Reply to #4)

spinning

Student, listen to your gut...

it is talking to you. Trust it. You see red flags. Look at them (which you are doing) and evaluate what that means to you and your future with this person. If you feel that it would be best to take a few steps back to "safer ground" to evaluate, I say do it. Student, our experiences with the disordered ones shake our ability to trust our gut...which is why the damage they inflict is so devastating. But here you are, listening to that inner voice which is warning you that this may not be right for the new Student of Life, the one who does not want someone who wants them "pretty much" and the one who does not appreciate being yelled at for speaking what you are feeling. Student, my experience with Freak Boy conditioned me in such a way that I got used to the idea that love equaled pain. IT DOES NOT! Love is nurturing, fun, compassionate, joyful, compassionate, nurturing, understanding, patient, joyful (you see where I'm going here). If you are confused or feeling a bit panicked by this, there is probably a good reason, Student. Take a few steps back and listen to your gut. If this is meant to be, the answer will reveal itself. I hope this helps. And Student, I'm glad you checked back in to post! Sincerely, (fighting to never again be) SPINNING. NO WAY. LIFE IS TOO SHORT TO SPIN FOR ANY MAN, FOR ANYONE

spinning

#6 Jan 16 - 10PM

StudentOfLife

Autocorrect...

Typo above..... Newhart should read " what"..... Sorry!

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