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~HUGE Awakening~

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#1 May 24 - 9AM
Kiwi2005
Kiwi2005's picture

~HUGE Awakening~

So I DUMPED narc about 4 weeks ago TODAY. Haven’t spoken to him in 2.5 weeks. Complete NC for 1 week. I feel like I won a Gold Medal!

I have tried to say that I was strong enough and I wouldn’t crave him etc. But I have had serious urges and almost did a one point- but thanks to the help of the forum, buddies from here, friends and family I was able to not break NC.

For the past hmmm 4 days or so I’ve been having this serious urges to hear from him or to at least send him a blank text see if I’d get a response (crazy- I know) but I was talked out of it =) This morning I decided to block call (no intent of speaking to him) as soon as I heard his voice something flipped in my head... The next thought that came to mind was “EWW and WTF was I thinking and HE was BLESSED to ever be able to call me his gf let alone be seen with me) First of all he sounded like shit, secondly I realized just how shitty of a person he is just from the way his voice sounded- the voice I once loved, thought was the sexiest and could listen to for hours on end- all of a sudden became a voice I NEVER want to hear again.

I have spent days beating myself up for ever getting involved with a NPD, Drug Addict, Convicted Felon POS… Then I spent additional days questioning why hasn’t he contacted me? And wishing he would... Then I spent even more days OBSESSSING, STALKING, CRAVING him… Until today.

*I feel like for the first time in the past month, I finally feel like I did the right thing, that I’m doing the right thing! A light bulb blew up in my face & head and it’s still there! I regret WASTING all these days, hours, minutes, seconds, doing all that crap because those are days, hours, minutes, seconds that I’ll NEVER get back!!!*

Right after I went NC, I promised some very important people in my life I would NEVER try to contact him ever again and while some may view today as contact- I view it as closure! I had no intent of speaking to him and I honestly hope he thinks I’m dead (since I haven’t contacted him) and never contacts me again in this lifetime or any other. Today I told a friend: If I can’t stay NC for me, I should at least do it for the friend of mine who’s trying to get a divorce from a narc, my best friend who’s ex I believe was a narc, for all the women on here and for all the shit I personally went through!!!

Stay Strong you guys!!! It’s hard- we all know it- but the deadweight will be lifted day by day… it feels better day by day! PM me if any of you need anything!

May 24 - 7PM
mynewlife2011
mynewlife2011's picture

Kiwi

"the voice I once loved, thought was the sexiest and could listen to for hours on end- all of a sudden became a voice I NEVER want to hear again." And this is merely the beginning, pretty soon you will see every crevice of his wrinkles, every zit and blackhead in his pores, every gray hair, the falsity of his fake smile, the forced laughter that hides the self-hatred he has for himself etc... No more illusions, only reality. One day we will look at our ExN's and wonder how in the world they ever had the control they had over us. We are almost there!
May 24 - 7PM (Reply to #7)
Kiwi2005
Kiwi2005's picture

Mynewlife2011

Thank you so much!!! I was at that point before we broke up. When I was not drinking and with him I'd stare at him and wonder "Why am I with him, Why??" I'm so happy to be where I am though. As someone mentioned this could have gone the completely the other direction! But I'm soo glad it came this way!!! =) Thank you guys for all the support.
May 24 - 6PM
adoette
adoette's picture

Olympian Strength

What you're doing takes olympian strength. Seriously so! Every moment of NC is golden. Your huge awakening/aha experience makes it less hard, but you still get gotta give yourself huge credit for seeing the light and tapping into your own wisdom. Thanks for sharing. I'm seeing the light, too, and in those moments of clarity, everything is vivid and fresh and new and sparkly and sweet. When you've traveled to the pit of hell, catching sight of the mountain top is breath-taking and feels like a brilliant miracle. See, your post got me all tapped into my happy place! Keep on keeping on!
May 24 - 7PM (Reply to #5)
Kiwi2005
Kiwi2005's picture

Adoette

Aww thank you!!! I'm so happy to be where I am right now, I feel like it took forever to feel this way- this entire day has been amazing for me! I definitely have to thank you all for your help and support! I couldn't have done it without the forum. Stay strong as well, glad I could tap you into your happy place :)
May 24 - 1PM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Keep moving forward! So far

Keep moving forward! So far so good! Hunter
May 24 - 10AM
Goldie
Goldie's picture

Kiwi, I love this:

"The next thought that came to mind was “EWW and WTF was I thinking and HE was BLESSED to ever be able to call me his gf let alone be seen with me)" I love this and sooooo...... true. That is how I feel now, that this guy was fortunate to have me allow him into my heart and life and he has a heck of a nerve trying to destroy my life. They bring so little to the table and yet act like they are doing us the favor. What a riot, I am lol just thinking about it. I am also sooooo..... proud of you for holding your ground, you are relatively new here, yet taking to this like a fish to water. I want you to get this now, while you are young, so you can be spared many more years of this shit!!! Great job, Kiwi, keep it up, you deserve so much more and better then this guy and I have a strong feeling that you will one day have exactly the life which you envision for yourself and which you are completly deserving. Big big hugs of empowerment to Kiwi today!!! God bless, Goldie
May 24 - 10AM (Reply to #2)
Kiwi2005
Kiwi2005's picture

<3 Goldie

Thank you so much for your kind words! I'm so proud of myself, I have been smiling all day and I'm pretty sure I've been walking more "upright" than usual. I do have lots of goals for myself and that's why it was so important for me to get away from this guy and his family- they would have done nothing but take, take, take and eventually taken my sanity as well. Thanks for all your inspiration and posts~ I'll still be posting but it will be more positivity than negativity =)