How things are going
How things are going
Not sure if this should be in Step 1-3 or 4-6 but just wanted to post something to chart my progress.
Ive been a member of this forum for 12 weeks now. It seems aeons ago since I joined and is my security blanket when I need support, guidance, a way forward, to understand.
But I know that's only part of the process - the intellectual - information gathering phase. The knowledge has definitely been power for me. Wow and how.
But I have a tendency to intellectualise everything (my safe way of operating) and there is also the need to process emotions and make sense of everything that's happened. Stir and sift that big angry pot of mud so the dirt and gunk rises to the top and gets examined, before it all settles down into the new/whole/complete me.
Its a weird time-warp. And sometimes it feels like only moments since this nightmare hit me. Some days are great - firing on all cylinders and almost feel human again. Being able to regain 'me' and almost fully connect with other human beings again. We all know how hard it is to explain to someone what has happened to us when they say 'its time to move on'.
Some days and moments feel totally disconnected from my former-self and everything that happened and that I exist only moments in time. By recounting in my mind the whole relationship from start to finish Im filling in all the blanks and making sense of stuff. Im starting to feel a sense of being victorious - not in winning against the exnarc, but in being able to win myself back. This is of course a fluctuating experience, and I get a little bit more back to me as the days progress. Its time, work and being patient - and lots of rest and good nourishing things for the soul.
I can't for a moment imagine going back to the spinning, confused, annihilated little being I was. The anxiety doesn't cripple me the way it used to, no more anxiety medication, agorophobia, missed days of work and compulsive checking of facebook, mobile and email. Ive learnt new ways to manage triggers and ptsd symptoms. I understand they were coping mechanisms to try to manage the unmanageable. No Contact is the only way for safety, health, wellness and our own type of closure.
Im learning to listen to what my body is telling me and be mindful of all the ways I 'people please' and seek validation and approval outside myself in unhealthy ways (foo issues that I thought were long buried - obviously not).
I still feel somewhat disconnected from the world and kinda in a 'holding pattern'. Not so much 'waiting' for something to happen, but yet to summon the energy to decide what comes next for me.
I see narcs everywhere - at work, on the train, in my family, my friends. It does my head in sometimes. I know the only one I can change in these relationships is myself, but changing is hard, takes time, practice and some set backs.
Although Im in a much better place than 12 weeks ago, Ive still got my 'trainer' wheels on. Its solid knowledge Ive gained and has helped me immensely. There is no turning back now - but sometimes the progress is slow, and I just want to be 'better'. Im still working on what 'better' means for me.
Gratitude, love and hope to you all