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How messed up is this?

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#1 Jan 17 - 8AM
Lookonthesunnyside
Lookonthesunnyside's picture

How messed up is this?

When I was dating my narc ex I actually once suggested, in complete seriousness, that we go shopping so that he can "choose an outfit for me". I have NEVER felt I needed to a take a guy's advice on what to wear, and I know I have good style, people tell me that. What was I thinking??? He wouldnt even outright say things about my outfits, it was just a subtle feeling that he sometimes wished I dressed a certain way. And he would point things out in stores that were the complete opposite of my style and then I would feel self conscious about the things I wore.

Im having a really hard time understanding who the hell that girl was? I have always been independent and this is not something I would ever dream that I would say to a boyfriend.

The thing is I totally meant it. And he agreed (obviously). How desperate was I for his approval? And why? Its not like he even has the greatest style.

Ugh it sickens me. Anyone else like this with their ex?

Also I have never bought as much slutty underwear or as many dresses as I did when I was with him. Because I was always trying to look better, and look sexy. So sad.

Jan 17 - 5PM
onwithmylife
onwithmylife's picture

sunnyide

with me it was almost incestuous like a father/daughter relationship, i was like a little girl asking him politely can we do this or that, just the opposite of the independent woman I have been all my life, it is so weird!?i was so begging for his approval on everything, he had this hypnotic hold on me....
Jan 17 - 5PM (Reply to #12)
bgirl
bgirl's picture

Omg onwithmylife...me too!! I

Omg onwithmylife...me too!! I don't know where I went? I could feel myself slipping away. I even told N that. I was so honest about everything to everyone and still NOBODY around me understood what was happening... The thing is you would think when you told someone that you were so in trouble emotionally that they would back off if they couldn't follow through or commit, but NO with the N that was a sign for him to finish me off and that he had me right where he wanted me...that is the shiver part for me! However through therapy I'm starting to discover a bit more about the 'why?' Inner child work. So confronting, but I'm hoping it will release me eventually. X B
Jan 17 - 6PM (Reply to #13)
onwithmylife
onwithmylife's picture

bgirl

Great you are doing therapy, it was such a huge help for me and had good ones all along my 15 off and on years.i have never in my life been so totally brainwashed and with these men when you ask them to back off, they do just the opposite and go in for the kill,sadistic, they have no empathy remember so it is all about what they can get for themselves. he brought up a few months ago via letter than I should have bought a house with him and I would not be in such dire straits now, but guess what, I would have gotten a house with him and then either dropped dead by stress, been killed by him , he told me he wanted to drive me off a cliff and get the house for himself, or an insane bag lady,at least if I go down it will be on my doing, not HIS.......
Jan 17 - 10PM (Reply to #15)
bgirl
bgirl's picture

Same :D X B

Same :D X B
Jan 17 - 6PM (Reply to #14)
bgirl
bgirl's picture

Same :D X B

Same :D X B
Jan 17 - 3PM
Run4it
Run4it's picture

Sunnyside

my Narc did similar things, that in retrospect, I can't believe I put up with. I have always been complimented on my stylish taste and take very good care of myself. He never said a think about no liking my style of dress, but said things about my toenail polish, of all things. He told me that he preferred red polish, so I went right home and changed. I too kept Victorias Secret in business for a year with my constant need to get his attention in bed. A normal man would have been going to pieces with happiness over the attention I paid to that crap! The good news is, I have some beautiful lingerie for me and the lucky guy who comes along after I am healed! I still cringe over red polish though....
Jan 17 - 11AM
Lookonthesunnyside
Lookonthesunnyside's picture

No! How do I check private

No! How do I check private msgs?
Jan 17 - 5PM (Reply to #9)
Sparrow
Sparrow's picture

Looking, that pm from

Looking, that pm from Iluvdessert was for me. If you read the caption of her message on the thread, it is addressed to Sparrow. Just an oversight!
Jan 17 - 11AM (Reply to #7)
spinning
spinning's picture

Looking, you should get an email

alert that somebody from The Path Forward sent you a PM with instructions from there. When you log into the site it will show you have a message... Hope this helps. Sincerely, (not) spinning. I REFUSE TO. I REJECT ALL CHAOS AND DESTRUCTION

spinning

Jan 17 - 11AM (Reply to #8)
Lookonthesunnyside
Lookonthesunnyside's picture

Hmmm no email like that.

Hmmm no email like that. iluvdesserts maybe you can resend? :) Thanks (not) spinning!
Jan 17 - 9AM
iluvdesserts
iluvdesserts's picture

Sparrow

I sent you a message, did you see it?
Jan 17 - 8AM
Lookonthesunnyside
Lookonthesunnyside's picture

Thanks sparrow! :) It is

Thanks sparrow! :) It is completely and utterly mind boggling to me how he got so deeply under my skin, and how he made me question myself. And how he did it (mostly) so subtly!? But it really helps to know Im not the only one. You just never think that will happen to YOU, you know? But thats the misconception, that certain people are "weak enough" to be controlled and manipulated by a partner, while others arent. But it really can happen to anyone. Sigh
Jan 17 - 9AM (Reply to #3)
Sparrow
Sparrow's picture

You are correct, it can

You are correct, it can happen to anyone, it has nothing to do with being weak. Many people believe it has to do with weakness, but it actually has to do with goodness, purity, love and compassion.......if you possess these qualities, a narc will hone in on them and work on you for supply. If you notice, he probably found your "strength" as appealing, and told you so. The very things that attracted them to you, eventually become the things they despise most about you. They are interesting and intriguing in that way.
Jan 17 - 11AM (Reply to #4)
Lookonthesunnyside
Lookonthesunnyside's picture

Umm yes! Wow. He said Im the

Umm yes! Wow. He said Im the "strongest person he's ever known" and that Im "extremely independent" and then apparently tried to beat both of those things out of me. Sicko. I think its really sweet that you say that honest, compassionate people are often victims of narcissists and abuse, not "weak" people. I think its true. We're more willing to make excuses for people as we try to see the good in them, and we want to try and bring out the best sides of people. Luckily there are nice, normal people out there who will genuinely love and respect that and not feed on it as a perceived weakness.
Jan 17 - 8AM
Sparrow
Sparrow's picture

You did this, because you

You did this, because you fell in love with a narc. He had power over you that you didn't even realize. Almost like a puppet on a string. He could get you to say or do anything he wanted. The Master of Manipulation......... It's crazy, I know, but it's what they do. They have a gift or nack, however you want to view it. And you fell prey to it as many here have. Their ability to control is like nothing you will ever experience again. Glad you broke free and are working on getting "you" back. Throw out everything he ever bought you!!!! EVERYTHING!!! It isn't you, you already admitted that, so you have no use for it. Your style is what you wore well, and will wear again. Get rid of anything that remotely represents your relationship with the narc! Good luck and stay strong!