How to Manipulate, Alienate, Abuse, and Ultimately Lose Your Lover.

This is a sarcastic piece I wrote only two months into my relationship with my narc(It lasted another 6). I sent it to him a few weeks after I wrote it during a spell when I had run away from and he wrote me back saying it was accurate but not funny. An odd trait of his was that I could write any sort of criticism down and he never got mad at me or showed any emotion during or after reading my letters, but when confronted verbally with the exact same material we would always defend himself and I would argue back and he would eventually get triggered into a defensive narc rage. I'm guessing something about the level of removal from my actual emotions when reading things in writing made it less intimate and therefore easier for him to handle. He didn't feel backed against a wall, he could just pretend he never read it which is pretty much what happened. Obviously he continued to exhibit these traits right up until the end.

1)Tough love is the key. If your partner is seeking your reassurance about a matter they are insecure about, this is a sign of weakness. Never give reassurance to someone who is asking for it directly. Empathy and sympathy are also unneccesary and excessive. Only wimps have those kind of feelings! Positive emotional support given at such times will only reinforce negative behavior patterns. Even worse, if they are asking for your reassurance indirectly with tears, or tentatively with visible signs of insecurity about how you might react, a) clearly they already expect the worst of you so fuck them, and/or b) are just plain cowardly and trying to passive-aggressively manipulate you into soothing them. Their distress may even be about something you previously said or did that hurt their feelings, and so doing so would be tantamount to admitting fault. You have better things to do than deal with their low-self esteem. Resist!

Note: If you'd like your partner to stick around for awhile, you may give positive support, randomly and unexpectly, at your whim. Functioning much like a slot machine, this sort of random reinforcement will keep them addicted to seeking your approval, and convinced maybe you really are a nice, sensitive, person.

Examples of really unsupportive comments you may make:
them: "If am really afraid of ___________."
you: "Well, If that's what you think is going to happen, then that's probably whats going to happen.

"Pshht. WhatEVER."

Be sure to trivilize their problems and concerns with widely-applicable statements such as a sarcastic "Poor Baby." or "There are people in (insert third world country) who are (insert horrific world problem such as rape, war, or hunger) right now."

Make a show of your superiority. Try comparing them with yourself, and how much better you would react in the same situation, or how much tougher you were in similar situations. Feel free to exaggerate using the old, "when I was a boy, we walked 16 miles to school and it was uphill both ways" trick.

2) Make sure to not give your partner what they want when it is most important to them. The more important something seems, the more you should resist doing it. You should do this so that a) YOU remain in control at all times. You can trip on the power you have and watch them squirm, AND you don't even have to feel bad about it because you know deep down that secretly they are deeply submissive and enjoy your withholding-based torture! or b)No Begging! Sulking and desperate and needy behavior is unattractive as should be squashed as soon as possible in a relationship. Your mate should be taught to expect and need nothing from you. Only in this way will you be able to give your love freely and authentically on your own terms without compromising your own integrity. You should NEVER do something just to please your partner when you are tired, feel lousy, busy, or just don't want to, anything more is co-dependent bullshit.

For more advanced students, it is preferable if you don't teach your partner straight away to expect nothing from you, because this would give them the advantage being able to emotionally detach from you. If they manage to truly expect nothing they cant be hurt! They might even leave you. This is not what you are seeking! If you really want to fuck with their head, first seduce them, and lull them into trusting you with your words. Make lots of unrealistic, non-specific, romantic promises about what you will do for them and how much you want to please them when you are feeling generous (these promises will sound sincere and well-intentioned and because you are in a good mood, and because they are take place in some indistinct and distant future, you can fool yourself as well, who knows? you MIGHT do them.)

Then, when your partner brings up one of these "promises" and asks you when you might expect to deliver on it, get angry with them for guilt-tripping you and expecting you to be true to your word. Make them feel selfish or spoiled for wanting whatever it is. Tell them you are allowed to change your mind about things. Tell them they are dumb for ever believing anything you SAY, and should make their opinions of you based on what you DO because that is what really matters. Finally, give in and admit you are a liar. Tell them you are a notorious flake and that is the way it always has been. Indicate that because you love them so much you will try and change your ways to be more reliable, but you may not be able to, so they can take it or leave it. In this way there is absolutely no weight left on your shoulders. If your partner is reasonable they will be more or less satisfied by your desire to change, and understand that it takes time. They will actually be sort of of flattered and think, "How can I leave, when they are trying so hard, for me!?"

These more advanced tactics will serve to confuse your partner, and keep them guessing about who you really are, and who you might be capable of being in the idealized future. This is important because it helps you maintain a sense of mystery and a carrot on the stick-like almost-but-not-quite-attainability. The slot machine concept from rule number one applies here as well. If you give your partner what they desire randomly and unexpectedly when they are not specifically asking for it, they will remain addicted to your potential payouts and unable to claim you "never" do anything for them.

3) Make sure to be memorize the things they are most critical and hard on themselves about and use them to your advantage. There are two reasons for this. The first is these are the things you most need to teach them to get over. This "teaching" will benefit both you and your partner. They will learn to have high self-esteem in the face of your judgement (and their own, and others!) and you will be allowed to say and think whatever you want to about them, no matter how "mean", without worrying about triggering an "episode". You don't have time for their all-too-frequent nervous breakdowns!

The second reason is that if you want to win a fight you should be aware of these weaknesses so you can cruely exploit them, and have a legitimate reason, for doing so i.e." Because you made me really angry." Be aware that in real arguments you don't have to reframe your words in a gentle way to avoid hurting one another's feelings, all rules go out the window. You can say anything you are thinking as coldly and harshly as possible, and even untrue things, if you really want to get to your partner!

For example, Jane believes she is unworthy as a long-term mate and potential mother of John's children because of her unresolved poor physical health, depression, and anxiety. She doesn't work very often, and isn't even always that good at keeping a clean house or cooking. She is constantly convinced she is not being productive enough, that she should be doing something other than what she is presently doing, and that everyone around her is surpassing her in achieving their goals and dreams. She hates that she is avoidant of things that make her anxious, and procrastinates about doing them, but can't seem to stop. She is deeply concerned she is just not being self-disciplined enough to cure her own health problem, especially that she is eating the wrong foods.

John can easily trigger Jane's feelings of inadequacy, even when joking, by making a comment about her food choices, implying that she is lazy or spoiled, that she is dependent on her illness so that people will take care of her, or perhaps she is just crazy and all her symptoms are psychosomatic, or that they would just go away if she would stop being so self-obsessed, or think more positively. Since Jane already knows that she is easily triggered by these issues, she can only agree when John points out that she is being "too sensitive." She knows she's being silly.

If they get in a fight John can actually yell these worst fears about herself at Jane to hurt her making sure to use lots of swear words to get his point across. If John does this enough times, eventually Jane will learn to have self-respect and not let it bother her what he thinks about her. She might even learn not to have any problems in the first place! He's doing her a favor and it's a win-win situation for John because neither early on or later does he have to be considerate or learn to utilize self-control to avoid hurting Jane's feelings.

But once again be aware of the precarious balance of power, and your own motives. What turns YOU on? Do you want your lover like a rag-doll, under your thumb and easily manipulated by your moods and emotions, willing to do anything for your approval and attention? Or would you rather have the individualized ideal of complete freedom, both of you fucking like dogs and indeed even living together and sharing a bed and meals, but needing and wanting absolutely nothing from one another? Or is your partner getting to be a demanding pain in your ass and you just want them to leave without having to make yourself into the bad-guy?

If Jane really takes the bait, and stops worrying about what John thinks about her, she will have gained an enormous amount of power in the relationship. She may even choose to end it, but more likely for Jane the tantalizing idea of fixing the relationship by becoming her idealized "tougher" self will be difficult, or impossible, to achieve but the challenge of trying will keep her around for awhile longer for John to enjoy. Further, if John senses when she is about to give up, he can renew his promises to change himself. This sort of intricate dance of who is going to change for whom can keep a partner under your sway for years!

4) Always expect your partner to know exactly what you are thinking and feeling. If they are the one for you, they should know you better than you know yourself. They should always know the difference between when you are being, sincere, sarcastic, offensive in order to try to get a rise out of them, just plain offensive, joking but kind of passive-aggressively, and just plain joking. They shouldn't ask too many questions, especially if they smack of insecurity (none of that allowed), or if they seem to be accusing you of something. There is no such thing as an innocent question. All questions should be viewed as potential trick questions!!! "What did you do last night?" As if you could answer such an obviously loaded query! Other questions are just stupid, and unanswerable, or the answer is obvious, and this should be pointed out immediately, and the converstation ended abruptly, because there is no fixing stupidity.

Furthermore if your partner doesn't understand something you've already said once or twice and needs you to say it again, or explain it further, clearly they weren't listening and don't really want to know what you think, because they don't really love you. Obviously they have their own fucked up ideas in their head of who you are, and you are NEVER going to get through to them. Note that it is perfectly normal to alter your truth to fit the moment, or say something that is seemingly contradictory to another thing you said before, and your partner should not try to figure out your inconsistency. If they do this they are just trying to make you into a liar. They should be able to use their brain to reconcile these two things on their own, or just accept that you are a complicated being and going to change your tune depending on how you are feeling at any given moment.

5) Argue often and invoke drama frequently.
Make everything into a power struggle about one person getting their way. In a relatioship there is no compromise, only winning and losing. Make sure when having an argument about something important to confuse and derail your opponent by changing the subject often and invoke semantics. If they say its cold. Say its hot. If they say you're acting obsessive, point out something they were once obsessive about in the past. If they say you're angry, say you're irritated. If they say you seem irritated. Deny it, but in an irritated tone of voice. If they're still sure you are irritated, admit you are, but make sure to say its about something other than what they think its about, because they can NEVER BE RIGHT. You get the picture! You want them to forget what the initial argument was even about. Then as they tell you that's not the point, and they'd like to get back to it, make fun of them as they try and remember what it was. Be as obnoxious as possible as they try and remember what they were saying (this will fluster them and virtually insure that they can't), and finally berate them for wasting your time.

Bonus Points: If you really want to fuck with your partner. Withdraw suddenly and randomly right in the middle of the argument or a serious discussion, claiming you're ready to get some coffee, or take a shower, or go to bed. Start checking your facebook, or turn on a noisy appliance. Voila! Then act like everything is completely normal. They are frustrated and you've just won, and you didn't even have to say anything! You can take it even further if try to hug and kiss them, and then when they won't accept your advances, you can get mad a storm off. Clearly they are the ones who don't want this resolved!!! Mercurialness is confusing, and confusing is good. Confusion is like a type of black magic that creates uncertainty and will redirect your partners feelings away from hating you and leaving you, to trying to figure you out.

As for drama: if it feels good do it. Yelling, screaming, swearing, public fighting, the silent treatment, and breaking things are a must. Advanced tactics include puking, spitting, voodoo or other religious curses, self-mutilation, retaliatory drunkeness and drug abuse, and or vengeful sex with other people. If you are fighting in the car, don't miss the opportunity to drop them on the side of the road and drive away OR if you don't want them to be able leave somewhere, disable their car. Disappear for a length of time, long enough to make them worry about you, only to reappear suddenly and unexpectedly, as if nothing happened. Throw your phone in the river so you have a perfect excuse for ignoring their riduclous texts and annoying calls. Symbolic gestures are the best. Destroy something they made for you or you made for them, to show how its "all ruined", perhaps pour a bucket of red paint all over their bed, to illustrate to them your bleeding heart.

6) Use sweeping idealistic arguments about the nature of love so that your partner won't be tempted to leave you. Some examples a) True Love has to be intense and hard work that involves lots of stress and drama. In fact, the stronger you love eachother, the harder it is. Ask them when is the last time they felt this alive? b) All relationships are abusive, everyone carries equal amounts of psychological baggage, so why go elsewhere? c) Invoke a nobody-likes-me, everybody-hates-me, sort of pity by saying something in a sorrowful voice like, "Every time I fall in love everyone always just wants me to be different than who I really am." or "Every time I change myself for someone, they just break-up with me."

If your partner doesn't believe you about these things you should taunt them and point out that they are being the idealistic one, thinking they can find some mythical "healthy" relationship. Duh! There is obviously no one better suited for them than yourself.

Don't forget that if your partner really loves you, and you love them they should always feel exactly the same way about you no matter how you treat them, whether you ignore, insult, or make unreasonable demands upon them. If they are a good person they will be unshakeable and love you no matter what. If they aren't strong enough to handle you and leave, they probably weren't worth loving anway.

7)Whenever you can, make yourself the victim in order to prey on your partners most empathetic, nurturing feelings. As we discussed previously, empathy is a weakness and therefore sort of disgusting, but if it exists in your partner, you may use it to your advantage. Lovers who are especially empathic and "nice" are the easiest ones to get to tolerate your abuse, because they will naturally feel sorry for you. These lovers are most often female, and may be involved in the healing arts such as psychology or medicine. Often you don't even have to bring up your childhood, and previous troubled relationships. They will intuitively sense your woundedness like a wolf to a dying deer, and be virtually dripping in their panties at your vulnerability. They may be attached to the idea that they can heal you with the fierce strength of their love. Or they may want to believe they are special and not like all those others who misunderstand you, and will stop at nothing to prove it to you. You make them feel powerful and needed. If they start to get fed up being your therapist/mother/teacher, make sure to reiterate how much you appreciate their skills at seeing through your bullshit, and how much better their presence makes your life. Play on their desire to not be seen as a quitter.
It is exceedingly easy to win an argument with an empath because they will easily be able to put themselves in your shoes, and understand your point of view, and are willing and able to admit any and all of their contribution to the problem. You might even be able to convince them they had ulterior motives for hurting or manipulating you that they didn't even have! They are likely to apologize to you sincerely, which you will probably find annoying because it makes you feel guilty by underscoring your own inability to accept when you have done something wrong (faults must never be acknowleged, because you don't have any). You can use always this irritation against them by accusing them of only doing it because they expect a similar apology from you, or of trying to drive you mad by being mean one minute and nice the next.

If you are lucky enough to live with one of these people, you can pretty much be as mean and horrible as you want, as long as you invoke their sympathy during or after an argument, and promise that you are working on healing. They love the word "healing". The worse you treat them, the more interested they will become in you, because there are so many opportunities for their helpful intervention! They are already convinced of your ultimate goodness.

Beware however, that if they are perceptive enough to see though your gruff exterior and your bullshit, to your naive, child-like core too automatically, they may not take you very seriously next time you throw a temper tantrum, or even as argue how much you love and need them. If they walk away rather than try and soothe you, or argue with you, you may have lost control of the relationship. As a last resort you can always try and draw them back in by claiming you were only trying to share your deepest, most vulnerable, rare, or hidden self with them, and clearly you were wrong to trust them because they are rejecting it. Careful how you play it. Don't be overly dramatic, or they will only see this as more manipulation.