How long it takes to heal...

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#1 Aug 17 - 7PM

Sunafterrain

How long it takes to heal...

I'm feeling discouraged by the amount of time it seems to be taking to heal. I spoke by phone with my therapist yesterday because of what I learned about my ex. It was an awful day. I'm eight months out, almost nine. Why can't I seem to pull it together? Where were you at this time line? I just want this to be over and the pain to be gone. Why does it seem to be getting worse and not better? I'm so sick to death of all of this now, the triggers, ruminating, etc. My therapist told me it will take a LOOOOONG time to move past this, given how long the relationship lasted.

Please encourage me, or share your story of where you were at this time. Thanks

#2 Aug 18 - 6PM

SoaperGirl

Rainbow of Healing, Rebirth and Renewal

It has taken me 6 months to achieve healing. Yes, today, I feel totally and completely over him. At present, I'm kind of in strange place. I'm not sure how to describe it exactly. I'd have to say I'm feeling a sense of rebirth and renewal. I am at peace being alone. I've been praying for myself and others on this site that we may grow strong, healthy and find real love one day. Funny, while praying today (I was in a swimming pool), I suddenly felt bathed in a blinding white light of the sun of healing and rebirth. I felt like those prayers were being heard and answered. Yes, one day I will find love again, and it will be a healthy love. I feel sure of it,. and same for those I prayed for and who are currently undergoing some health, employment and love challenges, feeling alone and lonely. I was thinking how cancer had been used to save me from my ex narc, and I had this horrible feeling that my ex narc's OW will not fare as well as I did. Lately, I've been working on my self-esteem, learning to accept and love myself just as I am. My reality situation. Been doing some exercises saying to myself (according to my books) "I Love and accept myself just as I am right now!" Never mind the things I wish I could change about myself. Self-esteem is accepting yourself just as you are without shame or regrets and finding self-love so you can love others. this is what I have learned! This is my time of rebirth and renewal, and having a sense of serene peace of mind at the end of the rainbow of healing! Peace and healing to you all. Hugs, Soapergirl

#3 Aug 17 - 10PM

NinjaGirl

Six weeks after he broke up

Six weeks after he broke up with me (it was a six year relationship) I was doing pretty decently. I had resigned myself to it being over and never wanting to talk to him again. By three months post-breakup, but only six weeks after I started healing and went NC, I can honestly say I was completely and totally over him and wouldn't have gone back to him no matter how hard he tried. I made a conscious decision that I was done with him and I was going to be happy again.

#4 Aug 17 - 9PM

Better than ever

Here's an idea

Well, this is what I do each morning and it's helped me a little bit. When I wake up and judge how I'm feeling that day, I give it a number from 1-10....10 being the worst ever (of course you can reverse this). Anyways, at first I was giving my days 8's and 9's....as weeks passed, I was down to 4's and 5's....it gave me a way to operationalize the feelings and compare how far I had come, even though I wasn't healed yet.....It's just an idea I wanted to pass on.....

#5 Aug 17 - 9PM

Hunter

It takes as long as it takes!

It takes as long as it takes! You have feelings for God sake!! God I hate these F&$kers! I think you really need to get back into the swig of things. You're obsessing, you need to obsess at certain times of the day only, like if your in your car go hog wild. You told what an amazing life you have, get back to living it! I know I make it sound easy but you have to try, It really will pass, I promise. Watch the Movie " it's complicated" it says it all. Hunter

#6 Aug 17 - 9PM (Reply to #16)

Sunafterrain

LOL!

Hunter, for some reason I see you stomping your feet and having a tizzy fit LOL! Your post made me laugh! thanks for the butt kick. No, it's NOT easy, and I post here in sharing....but I DO HOPE this too shall pass......and I have a great new therapist who gets it about pathologicals and survivors. EMDR coming soon, I HOPE! It's one of the reasons I chose her. She is truly one of the best. So Hunter, HEAR THIS: I GOT A GREAT THERAPIST AND IN THIS I AM BLESSED! Ugh!! I can't WAIT to see her on Friday!

#7 Aug 17 - 10PM (Reply to #17)

Hunter

I sent you a pm too! I think

I sent you a pm too! I think you need a buddy! Check it and let me know what you think!! I'm glad you found a good shrink it's important! My does stomp her feet at me!! I love her!!! I thinks she proud of me :) I was a train wreck on my first appointment! Hunter

#8 Aug 17 - 10PM (Reply to #18)

Sunafterrain

Hunter

LOL! Wild thang!! LOL!! you make me LAUGH and laughter is SO good right now! PM? UM, no?????? Nuttin chica. I wanna make my therapist proud too, but for now, she's gotta just put up with me and my behavior **sigh**...but she won't for long, Hunter! one of the FIRST things she said in our first session was, "If I feel like you're not moving on and we've addressed an issue, you'll hear about it from me! I'm assertive! So be prepared". I guess I need that LOL

#9 Aug 17 - 8PM

Sparrow

It takes quite a bit of

It takes quite a bit of time...........it took me 15 months before I actually felt I was in the "healing" process. Once you are there, you do see the light at the end of the tunnel. We have setbacks, of course, but to know that you are on your "way home" is such a liberating feeling! Puts you in the drivers seat.......hang tight, work hard, you will get there! Trust me, it doesn't feel like it will ever come to an end, but it does! Good luck!

#10 Aug 17 - 8PM (Reply to #6)

Sunafterrain

Sparrow

Fifteen months? UGH! LOL! Oh well.......it's frustrating and adds to the hurt when people say to just get over it. This keeps me quiet, except in therapy or on forums like this one. I'm finally learning the art of being honest with myself and how I feel and not to deny or push away its existence. It's really hard. I really want, SO MUCH, to see the light at the end of the tunnel!

#11 Aug 17 - 8PM (Reply to #12)

Done sourcing

Sun, The light at the end of

Sun, The light at the end of the tunnel isn't a train, but the tunnel isn't dark very often either. It is a process, but you are already getting over it. You talked with your therapist today. You posted today. You understand more than ever before. You keep having more and more post narc experiences. The moments of obsession will decrease, just keep talking and sharing and doing your best to stay away from the narc, or anything or anyone to do with the narc. They are the darkness in the tunnel. The light comes from truth and honesty and understanding. I was listening to my meditation cd this morning on the way to work, and it has alot of really cool things on it. Hundreds of ideas and affirmations and truths. Today I heard "imagine a world with no guilt or judgment". I zoned in on how peaceful I would be if I didn't feel guilty and if I didn't judge, others or myself. Just a thought that was sent to me this morning. I try to give my exwn to God all the time, but I now know I keep choosing to bring her back into my consciousness (less and less frequently). I can choose otherwise and let her go back to God anytime I remember to let go. My life is getting quieter and much more peacful. I have new friends who share my desire to keep growing and moving on toward a better, more centered life. I wish you peace ad tranquility today, God Bless! ds

#12 Aug 17 - 9PM (Reply to #14)

Sunafterrain

DS

I would love to know what cd's you listen too! I love affirmations. Thanks for bringing that to my attention, I can google that. I love quotes and scripture too. My life is more peaceful (IE: quiet), yet I'm SO uncomfortable with it. In thinking about that more, it seems to me that I have a drama addiction, having been surrounded by pathologicals my entire life. I'm easily triggered and drama is just something that is repulsive to me, yet I feel alive when it happens, but that's all...this isn't said as something positive, but something very negative in my life. Adrenalin rushes, anxiety to the max, reacting without thinking. I seem to have all of this knowledge, but the obsessing still goes on in my mind, trying to make sense of my experience with my ex and truly understanding how deep his claws were sunk into my soul. IT brought up and out, every nasty behavior, thought, that I didn't subject myself to ten years ago. I suffer tremendous guilt about so many things because my relationship with him, required me to throw my moral compass to the wind. I'm very angry about that, because I cannot take back "collaborating" with the psychopath in his evil. I had a fantasy and it was going to be reality and that is exactly what he played upon. I wonder sometimes what it must be like to have no conscience, to try to visualize taking everyone you meet to be used, in whatever capacity. The thought of it blows my mind. I colluded with a psychopath. So confusion reigns, DS. Why did I collude and throw my moral compass out the window. I'm so sickened by what was my behavior and what feels like an addiction with what the behavior was. I'm just now beginning to understand the psychological toll this man has taken on my life, but worse, that I didn't see and allowed it. I knew it was wrong and felt it was wrong. I want to get past this. Thanks for your post.

#13 Aug 17 - 9PM (Reply to #13)

Sparrow

Done sourcing

Very cool!

#14 Aug 17 - 8PM (Reply to #7)

Sparrow

You will my friend, you will.

You will my friend, you will. Some takes longer then others. Hey, whose to say that 6 , Months from now, I won't find myself back in the abyss? I equate it to the game "chutes and ladders" remember the game? You get allllllll the way to the top............and slide almost back to the beginning. That's why we have to acknowledge that our lives are forever changed by these monsters. We must always be aware..........because of them. But don't let that deter you from a life of happiness. You will find it again! Keep reading, keep taking care of "you". You owe it to yourself! Life can be good, life IS good!

#15 Aug 17 - 9PM (Reply to #8)

Sunafterrain

Sparrow

It does help to hear from others who have been there, done that so to speak. It DOES change your life forever. I"ll never be the same again. Ever. I can see, being out of it for awhile now, that I'm just NOW coming out of the fog. Sparrow, I have a question for you....how is it that I can know so much about pathology, have studied it a lot...read so many books on it, yet still struggle with the basic question of whether he is or was disordered? I wonder if this is something that you went through, or anyone else here for that matter? How can I be so educated, but my HEART isn't absorbing fully yet, the REALITY and EDUCATION on this? I feel stuck. But that stuck feeling has more to do with he is or isn't, I think. It's something I'll be going over with my therapist. It's very frustrating. On a side note, my family was all about image, because they were pathological. I'm convinced one hundred percent and without doubt that my father was a psychopath. I wonder if it has to do with that....the last man I chose, is so much like him....I didn't want to believe that. But he is.

#16 Aug 17 - 9PM (Reply to #9)

Sparrow

Sunafterrain

I believe that what is holding you back, is that you don't want to believe that he IS disordered. We have a false hope in our hearts. This is very natural and normal.............we want so badly to believe that they are not disordered. They are unfortunately, and there is nothing we can do about it. The one saving grace for me, and it's the first thing I said to my husband, I know who I am, I know what I am, and I refuse to take ownership for this. We have been "had" in the worst way, but never ever doubt who you are, it's him NOT you!

#17 Aug 17 - 10PM (Reply to #10)

Sunafterrain

Sparrow

Thanks for that! I keep reminding myself that I'm projecting normal into abnormal. The public persona is sooooooooo easy to fall for. It got me into the relationship in the first place and keeps the fantasy going when it's not reality now that I'm out. It sucks. And very difficult to get past. I don't think our culture helps this either, judging on appearances and not substance.

#18 Aug 17 - 10PM (Reply to #11)

Sparrow

Sunafterrain

The key is to remind yourself daily of what you are working to get away from.........these bastards have affected us in a way that we have to constantly work against our challenges, wanting and desiring them and getting over them. They robbed us of ourselves in a way. Before them, we lived very normal lives for the most part, and now because of them we have become all consumed, and have to make the same daily efforts as someone addicted to drugs or booze. I resent both of them for that but am also thankful that I am more aware of human behavior as a whole. It's been a rough journey but at the same time very enlightening!

#19 Aug 17 - 8PM

onwithmylife

sunafterrain

Spent 15 years off and on with the narc and have been out 2 1/2 years, not seeing him, it has been a very long haul and finally getting over him, it has not helped that i have met no one to even start a friendship with that i like. My therapist said it is' horribly hard'to recover from these inhumans,hopefully you move on sooner, just my story.........

#20 Aug 17 - 9PM (Reply to #3)

Hope

Friendships...

Have you tried joining a meet-up group for hobbies, there are all kinds, all you need to do is google meet-ups in your area, they have them for hiking, photography, dancing, etc. I went to one alone after my break-up and met a good friend over a year ago we are still close and go out all the time. If you are saying you have friends but are just picky I understand that too, I have noticed I have zero tolerance for anyone that is mean or bully like in any way. I think that is part of having some PTSD. Good luck and don't beat yourself up, these N's are very manipulative.

#21 Aug 17 - 10PM (Reply to #4)

onwithmylife

hope

thanks for the suggestion about the meetup groups will have to check them out.You are right, i am more fussy about people who treat me badly I will not put up with, like I use to in the "old days" before narc.

#22 Aug 17 - 8PM (Reply to #2)

Sunafterrain

That is really hard

when you haven't met new friends. I'm not so concerned about that right now, as other things bother me more. I hope you can meet someone soon. Two and a half years is a long time now. It's good that you feel you're finally getting over him though.

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