How long did the idealization phase last for you before the mask slipped and when?

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#1 Jul 30 - 6PM
Sunafterrain's picture

How long did the idealization phase last for you before the mask slipped and when?

I'm curious as to how long it took for your pathological's mask to slip? What event preceded this? Was it after marriage, when you were hooked, a disagreement? I'm curious about time lines. Mine was about month three for the first most major abusive act.

Aug 3 - 11AM
tooloyal's picture


I knew mine for about a week. I was much older and he made me feel young and sexy for the first week. After he charmed me with his sense of humor and his skills, he began to let me see that he was not so sweet. I stayed for years after that, trying to get back to that guy. What a waste!
Aug 2 - 8AM
TNR1's picture

Mask started coming off

Mask started coming off within first week. Full blown D&D came at "nearly" year 2. He did not idealize me very long, I was always the OW to his gfs (although he used to tell me that he preferred me and would eventually be with me). The reason the full blown D&D came so late is that I usually only saw him once a month, so not a lot of time to get to know someone or piss them off. He D&Ded me for another girl.
Aug 2 - 8AM
dabussard's picture

Four Months

My N's mask started slipping after 4 months. Sure there were red flags before that... I just ignored them because I was falling in love with him.. After 4 months, the moodiness and silent treatments started. He started pushing me beyond my comfort zone sexually.. He would be super sweet and we would have amazing sex and then ignore me for days.. From the 4 to 6 month mark it was pure hell with mind games, triangulation, control by proxy, push me away and then pull me back... Just GAMES... Then the final D&D at month 6, in mid April. He vandelized my truck and put me trru pure hell, calling me the Crazy, Bitch stalker... Stalking me, having his friends stalk me... Yada, Yada... Then nothing until third week in may, hoover attempt, I fell for it amazing sex and sweet as pie... Then silence, nothing for a month... Then a small hoover attempt, that I tried my best to ignore.. Then nothing until Mid July, then big hoover attempt and the is still hoovering... These guys are JACKNUTS!!!
Aug 2 - 6AM
Qing Yuan
Qing Yuan's picture

Right from day one!!!! I was

Right from day one!!!! I was hooked becasue I was so chuffed that someone was so interested in little old me in that way. he was super 'on it' with me. He said all the right stuffi n between the 'glaring red flags' .... ... he refused to wear a condom, ....he ignored me and let doors go in my face... in betwen buying me gifts, calling me "exquisitely beautiful" I must have had very low self esteem then to let him get away with such very deeply vile acts of distaste. I bet he is not like that with new woman, i dont think she would take it like I did. He messed with me biggest of all men with his messed up shit.
Aug 1 - 11PM
ifinallygotit's picture

it was weird by the second date

He tried to booty call me years before our relationship got serious. I insisted on proper normal dates if he wanted to see me - he tried a little but I guess this was already about a 20 year firmly entrenched narc pattern for him - I met him when he was 42 and just freshly retired from a flashy career... I think he had a GF and I was just fresh supply. I don't think he ever intended to get serious about me it just sort of happened after about 3 years of nonsense (i was not in love for a long while and traveled alot). Mine was not just a player but a true Narc...serious emotional problems...after 7 years or so he refused to make me a cup of tea when I was there sleeping with him with a horrible flu. It was a Sunday morning - he had nothing better to do - he just refused to help me. he did weird stuff like this, so not normal. I think he has no idea what normal guys do...
Aug 1 - 10PM
allusedup's picture

I was married and he had been

I was married and he had been living with a woman for the past six years. In Oct. '10, I seperated from my husband and he moved out of his house and in with a friend. This lasted 3 weeks and he told me he still had feelings for his ex and moved back in with her. In Jan. '11, he started texting me again that life was no better. They were just together for convenience. I asked him to leave her and move in with me. He had said he had a plan. Around March I noticed a change. I was persistent on asking when he was moving out, and he told me the more I pushed the more time it would take because I was stressing him out. To make a long story short...she kicked him out on June 10th. And of course I was there to pick him up and he moved in. I saw a couple of rages during this time. But blamed it on his drinking. Or I took the blame and bashed myself for not keeping my mouth shut. He was here for three weeks. And after one argument, he told me he was moving out and getting back together with his ex.
Jul 30 - 11PM
Sparrow's picture

One day.........but I chose

One day.........but I chose to ignore it.
Aug 2 - 6AM (Reply to #9)
BunnyBlue's picture

Same here. I was hooked on

Same here. I was hooked on day one when he basically said, "Hello, I love you." I was like great, that was easy! By the second day he was describing his ex-girlfriend's breasts. It was so outrageous I just thought he was clueless about dating. When it became clear that he liked to talk about other women, I thought at least he's honest! Sheesh.
Jul 30 - 11PM
sara g
sara g's picture


When we moved in together. Before that we were engaged and we didn't really have sex for religious reasons although he always looked as if he was dying for it. Then he did his best to avoid being physical at all costs. He would sit in a separate room with the lights off, saying he needed time to himself. (we'd been married for days). I actually stayed with him for 24 years while he was running and I was chasing! I can't believe that I did that. AND he would sulk AND he would rage AND he never had money AND he couldnt keep a job WHEN he did have a job. So the devalue started as soon as we moved in together. It took me 24 years to get out. He is ugly, penniless, smelly and gay and I stayed with him till he threw me out! That is trauma bonding! Despite all of that, I am still obsessed with when he is going to start the devalue/discard with the NW. It seems like they are honeymooning endlessly even though I got nothing for being little more than a slave to him for so long.....It's so mind boggling...but that is what happens when you have been living with an N...the mind just boggles.
Jul 30 - 10PM
rosedewittbukater's picture

6-8 months

There seemed to be a subtle change as soon as I was "hooked" (about a month). A little less than one month after that, came the first D&D after a minor misunderstanding. Then she came back. The first seriously abusive maneuver happened at eight months and this is when I got a frightening RAGE for the first time. I would say at around six months things really vamped up though as far as the mask starting to come off. At the six month mark witholding and silent treatment began. And just complete focus on herself and her needs, whereas up until then she would occasionally seem interested (or at least pretend) in some part of my life or anything about me.
Jul 30 - 11PM (Reply to #6)
rosedewittbukater's picture

Oh yeah forgot to mention

the marriage proposal that happened in between the hooks are in (me) and the first D&D. Soulsucking vampire ass
Jul 30 - 8PM
Reddley's picture

I met my jackass at work Sept

I met my jackass at work Sept 2010. We started hanging out at work over the next few months. He tells me music he's into... wow same stuff as me! Burns me dvds of concerts he knows I'd like... (He had no idea of knowing what music I like unless he scoured my facebook page) Lots of things he likes... same as me... I commented about some wishy washy manner that our company uses to handle certain problems and how it pissed me off. He says "I love this chick! She's like me with boobs. I swear we were twins separated at birth." All of that... I'm now sure was bullshit...anyhow... Dec 24 2010 Had a breakfast date after work. Gave me the entire (or so I thought) story of his marriage/divorce... I thought his wife was a total bitch. I felt so sorry for him. Jan 2010 - I show up at his house with coffee cuz he was off work sick and I was worried about him. He said he wasn't really interested in a relationship. If I ever tell him I love him, he won't believe me. He doesn't trust people. I'm like um where'd that come from? I didn't say anything about being with him. But ok. I notice he has hundreds of concerts in his collection... oddly enough the concerts he burned me weren't there. I didn't think much of it. He downloaded the ones he knew I'd like to burn to give to me but he didn't make a copy for himself. Should have known he didn't like those bands but whatever. At the time I thought he had done it to be nice to me but now I think it was for other reasons. End of Jan 2010 - Mid March 2010 Got very close as friends. Confided in each other a lot. I spent months looking after him while he was sick and off of work. Driving him to the hospital, Dr's appts... picking up prescriptions... driving him to get groceries cuz he couldn't shift. Went to his house and gave him massages, brought him ibuprofen, tiger balm, heating pad, you name it. Hell I even got a massage therapist friend of mine to give him several treatments at his house rather then him going to the clinic. AND for free! March 17th he put the moves on me. Tells me Thank you for looking after me. No one has ever done that before. Sorry it took me so long to figure things out. I really do like you alot. July 3rd 2011 - I say I love you... silent treatment ensues July 5th 2011 - I ask him at work to talk to me. He says about what, I say anything. He says how about that email. I say sure. He says "I do not like headgames. This is why I didn't want to be in a relationship in the first place. July 7th 2011 - I get this shitty email while I'm talking on his answering machine...very glib... "Don't call me. Don't email me. I do not like the touchy feely stuff. I'm not feeling it with you. We can be work buddies. I'll bring your stuff to work." A week later while trying to be friends with me, he says he dumped me because "he didn't want to hurt me like he hurts other people" Oh then a few days later he says he dumped me because he prefers to be alone. So work friends for 3 months Good friends for 3 months Lovers for 4 months and done If you can figure this asshole out by that info, you let me know.
Jul 30 - 8PM
heritage's picture


My idealization wa for 3 years. Bought me everything, took me places and we were very close. There were bumps (silent treatment, his moodiness) but I never stopped loving him. D&D began 6 months before my divorce wa to be finalized. He was a different person. I was with him evfery step of the way during his divorce and he gave me $5000. for my divorce. He promised a life together, buying me a car, med ins, monthly money , etc. He is a wealthy dentist. However, when divorce was in sight he began the downward spiral. It was the worst. I was supose to be divorced in Dec and he threw me to the curb in Jan.
Jul 30 - 8PM (Reply to #3)
heritage's picture

Oops I was supposed to be

Oops I was supposed to be divorced in Dec and he threw me to the curb in Nov. all contact ceased in Jan and he has been with old gf since.
Jul 30 - 7PM
onwithmylife's picture

there was a post about this

some months ago but cannot remember who wrote it, anyway for me it was when I was getting hooked,fell in love,probably a few months, so long ago hard to remember, but he was acting strange early on, but the mask did not fall until he knew I was hooked on him.he started taking me for granted, force me to drive home after a long concert at midnight, could not even sleep on the sofa in his house, ordeerd me to leave, it was so weird, and then and there I should have left for good but did not. Punishing me for his mother's sins I will always believe, horrible