How long did the idealization and good times last

He kept drawing me in, so I'm not sure, but I think that deep down it lasted maybe two months? Too bad the relationship lasted six years.

i

I don't really know how long it lasted. I found out that he was actively pursuing one of the other women while we seemed to be falling for each other. And it's hard to think of a time when he "valued" me while knowing now that he was with multiple others the whole time. Here's how it seemed to go, however. When we first got together it seemed unimportant to him: just fun. He would come over at night, always late. We'd go out for a drink. Whatever. This lasted spring and summer. I adored him, and we seemed to be falling in love, though he was very elusive about things, his life, etc. It took about three months before he brought me around his friends, but once he did it was sitting on his lap, kissing me all over, etc. Everyone said he was so happy. In August, I took my daughters on vacation for a week, and this was when something seemed to happen. He called me thirty times a day, left sweet, cute, devoted messages on my phone, and when I got home was definitely "in love" with me. He took us on his boat and to his family's homes, started asking my opinion of the house, started talking about babies and marriage, the whole bit So it was a huge shock when he brought home this foster child without warning, all the while professing that he wanted to get married and have children as soon as possible and begging me not to leave him. I found out later that the OW was supposed to come in that weekend to visit. At the pinnacle of our "in love-ness." After the child came, i don't know if it was real or not but he became very mushy, very kissy and all of that, and was even talking about moving into the house as soon as possible. He would just randomly sweep me up in his arms and profess his love to me with tears in his eyes. Keep in mind that he was also seeing the other women, introducing the child to them, hanging around with them, sleeping with them, the whole time. And that's how it started to slide. He'd lie to me and say he had to work. I'd offer to babysit but he'd say, "Nah, I'll take him with. He needs to get out of the house" or something. Then I'd find out later that they'd gone to visit "a friend, at the last minute." He'd claim he'd called me to ask me along but it was all lies to cover up the cheating. It's so odd because when I used to look back, before I found out, I would curse the child, believing that he no longer wanted me because he had replaced us with this 'ready made son.' I would walk around saying "I hate him; I hate him" not realizing that he had absolutely nothing to do with the narc throwing me away, that the narc had no intention of making a life with me EVER. I guess my narc really must be deeply messed up. I haven't thought about that time in awhile, and when I think back and realize how emotional he was with me, while all the while being deeply involved with these other women, and that my children were involved, and his family and friends, and then this four year old orphan: it's very disturbing. Sometimes I think he really did love me but felt powerless to do anything about it, powerless to get out of the other relationships, powerless to stop himself from being himself. Did anyone else get this feeling from their narc? That he felt he had no control over what he was doing? Mine truly almost had me convinced that *I* was the one he loved, but that he was somehow "stuck" in these other relationships and couldn't leave. Almost like he OWED them. He seemed to tell me that he stayed with them because they loved him and he HAD to. I sometimes think that's a load of BS but I sometimes think they really feel that way.

The good times lasted for about 6 months, but because we live in different countries, much of it was by email or phone, when we were together, he still showed glimpses of not treating me as he should - and that was within 3 weeks of spending those weeks together. I didn't let it get to the point of him being totally evil with me...I knew things weren't right when he wasn't contacting me as much and last time I visited, he was openly ogling ow in front of me. It was confusing and very hurtful, but the 3 times we actually spent weeks together, we argued every single time ending in him raging at me - always my fault of course. A few days before I discovered the lies, deceit etc, I was getting ready to tell him it was over if he continued being too tired to talk with me or make time for me - I wasn't willing to be treated that way, no matter what the reason - he just gave me the final push to do it by getting caught. I knew something was terribly wrong, just didn't know what it was at the time - boy, did I wake up fast!!!!

i think it depends on the what we mean by devalueing. it began about three months in, but it was just something small, and the general 'feel' was still one of worshipful adoration or his 'little princess'. there were cycles or overvalue and devalue that wet on of about a year. when we got engaged, like someone else said, i noticed a big switch. he was misserable and grumpy and visibly unhappy at our wedding. the biggest and realest D&D was after he beat me four months into our marriage, after i forgave him for that, he detested me forever. :( pretty gross

By the time things started going downhill in my junior year and the final D&D of the senior year, I found my sophomore year (that would be back in '97-'98) the blissful one, a short-lived Golden Age. The ancient Greeks believed there was a Golden Age when humans were kind&generous to one another... but things degenerated. In my sophomore year, the ex-Psych professor would come with me to lectures, concerts, we'd go out to lunch. He had even grown a beard. I think I was idealizing him too. I remember blissing out early in the year when he was playing tennis with a colleague (the one who went to grad school with him&always looked exasperated in his presence) For a year, he was a sweet person to be with. The nastiness occasionally slipped out... but I liked being with him. By the time my junior year came... well, I was writing in the school paper (a big no-no for him, that ol' fear of exposure), volunteering at a local school... and reading his mind. I'd get the silent treatment and say aloud "That's one guilty silence." (Don't blame me, I'm an empath!) I'd tell him he was WRONG. And thanks to an ex-boyfriend of his, getting my backbone. Then came the senior year D&D. What's weird is that the ex-P said during the D&D was that staying behind to be with him would be like a prolonged childhood/infantilization. From what I've read about Ns here, marriage to them does that to their victims. It's not a relationship of equals. Leo Tolstoy was old enough to be his wife's father, and he treated her more like a child than a spouse&an adult. He'd say things like "I'm standing in the way of living your life"&"You don't want to be stuck with me for the rest of your life"--brief insights. Like something human briefly clicked in him. The latter thing he said is the reason why I NEVER bore ill will to his LDR girlfriend. She saved me from what could've been a hellish marriage. I only met her once... sorta like those stories of people who see their guardian angels only once in a life-and-death situation.

Maybe almost four years, like it was real love and going to last forever.

I'd say a year of good and then problems began emerging gradually after that. The real problems didn't REALLY start to emerge until we got engaged.

Hi Safyre, my "idealization" phase lasted 3 1/2 to 4 months and it was during the last 2 weeks of the 4th month when one or two minor incidents gave me a glimpse of what was to come. At the start of the 5th month I simply expressed disappointment about something during a telephone conversation and he said "I didn't think you were so needy". Overnight everything felt different and that's when the devaluing began along with push pull, hot cold behavior. I spent the rest of our relationship trying to "need" as little as possible while actually needing more and more since withholding gave him control over me emotionally. But, up until then it was only ever hot and incredibly fun. Journey on...

Mine started after 3 months. I will never forget. I was going out with some friends from work and he did not want me to go . I had all of my clothes laid out on the bed and went int the other room. When I returned he had thrown my clothes including shoes into the bath tub filled with water. I should have run like hell then. WTF??? It was downhill from there!

I'm guessing it lasted about 4 months for xnh, and devaluing probably was started before then. It's hard to remember exactly how long. It was gradual. He started out with little "boundary issues" where he would want me to do (or tolerate) something that I felt was uncomfortable in one form or another. Because I didn't just always happily go along with him, xnh then started his picking at me and devaluing. Xnh seemed to have this twisted idea that he was going to just dump his first wife (and the mother of of his two kids), remove her out of the picture, put me into her place, and then move blissfully along with his little fantasy world just like nothing like nothing had ever happened. I suspect that he had me on a pedestal in the beginning with this utopic vision, and I started my "fall from grace" when I started showing xnh that I was not fitting perfectly into his mold. Apparently my wishes and desires in this scenario were not ever considered by xnh. In reality, me as a person was not a factor. Only what he could get from me. One of the first fights we had was because we had plans for a date, and then xnh's first wife told him that she wanted him to take care of his kids that same night so that she could go play Bingo for the evening (convenient timing on her part - yes, I do think she did this deliberately). Instead of telling her that he already had plans, xnh told her "yes". When I got upset about it, he told me that "I should be more maternal, and these are my kids now too, too." When I told xnh these kids already HAVE a mother that's going to play Bingo, and I felt that he should have told her he already had plans. Xnh got furious at me. He then went over to his first wife's house and spent the evening with his kids there instead of going out with me as we'd previously planned. This should have been big red flag to me about where I stand in xnh's priority list. The ex-wife playing Bingo was higher than I was even then. I should have dumped him. Hindsight truly is 20/20. lol.

Wow, my Narc didn't have that kind of staying power :D Which makes me just want to throw up that I was so hooked in :( My idealization period maybe lasted two or three weeks? It was constantly interrupted with his bizarre behavior. And yes it was even bizarre to me back then, it isn't all retrospect.

It was gradual and happened over a few months. In fact thinking about it, it seems to me that my awareness of it was almost subconscious. After a few months I remember one morning thinking about the hot and cold behaviour and realising that I could never tolerate him unless he changed. It wasn't long after that that he went off with someone else and the D&D began.

I was with my ex Narc 13 years and the "idealization" phase lasted with me about 4 months, He started being jealous of me and calling me nasty names and after about 6 months that's when the physical attacks started too, At first he was the real charmer calling me babe, and gorgeous,then that started to change to whore slag and anything else derogatory he could think of, After the first year of us being together he had the first of one of many of his affairs, This mentally tortured me he was with her for about 3 months, with me like a stupid cow begging and pleading him to come back,(THAT MUST HAVE REALLY STROKED HIS BIG FAT EGO, ME BEGGING HIM!!) I should have got out then but i never i put up with until 32 days ago, They trap you and make you feel crazy they make you feel like you will die without them, But you wont, And the one thing i have got pride in is i ended it with him 32 days ago, I could not take no more lies and pain, He is a grade A ares hole, I think the bastard must be in sort of shock as he usually expects me to go running back after 2 weeks or a week, I will never be going back never ever, I will protect myself from this monster, x

it has been so many years I am wracking my brains out trying to remember, but must have been about 3 months or so that things went pretty smoothly then the first red flag came when I went to his place spent the night, got into some stupid argument, the next day, and when I drove away , I noticed I did not have an earring on and drove back to his house and he opens the door and accuses me of just wanting to come back, when in fact I had come back to see if my missing earring was there.In a normal loving relationship wouldn't you be happy to have your girlfriend come back, even if only to find a missing piece of jewlery. He was not trying to hide anything, it is probably my "usefulness" was done for the day. ie sex.After that he started to discard me about every 4-6 months, he always had a convenient reason if I made him mad or said the wrong thing to him,until we lived together for a year and I asked him to leave after all the abuse was breaking me down.He still discarded me in the end because I kept going back to him.