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How long?

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#1 May 3 - 9AM
Alisa
Alisa's picture

How long?

How long does it take until you don't start checking each new guy you meet for signs of narcissism???

I have met this new guy (and I feel I am ready for something new), who is actually someone I used to know many years ago but now that he is suddenly emailing me that he'd like to be close to me etc. I feel like I am FREAKING out because
a) I feel it's going too fast
b) I know this guy has some issues (although I am almost 100% certain that he's not a narc, just other issues)
c) I would so much like to trust this guy (who I think is very nice) but am afraid to talk to him about the exN because I am afraid I will be too vulnerable

He does know that my ex was a narc (quite interesting because this friend is into psychology and has read quite a lot on the subject) but I haven't really been able to share with him how that roller coaster ride has left me feeling.

Any advice on what I should do?

May 3 - 1PM
Alisa
Alisa's picture

Thanks to everyone for their

Thanks to everyone for their advice. I will definitely take it slowly and see how it goes. I do have feelings for him it's just that I am afraid to be getting involved with someone again too quickly or end up with another narc or something similar...
May 3 - 1PM
Scoop
Scoop's picture

I hate to say it but they do

I hate to say it but they do say we should wate a good 18 months before we start dating again after NC and i think thats right . What i thought was if i found someone else i would get over the narc much quicker but all i ended up doing was puting a tiny bandaid on a broken leg ... For a long while after my break up and going NC i was seeing ALL MEN as narcs and my trust was zero . The horrible truth is if we dont grieve properly after the narc and do the work of healing we just put it off , and set ourself up for even more pain in the future . Even if this guy is the man of youre dreams he will wate with out pushing you into a relationship position you dont feel comfortable with .. Friends with men is the rote to go down for that 18 months , if they are worth anything they will be ok with friends for a while and if they push you for more kick them to te curb .. Big Love sorry to be a pary pooper :( xx
May 3 - 1PM (Reply to #7)
Alisa
Alisa's picture

After my long relationships I

After my long relationships I didn't date for.... years? I hadn't dated for about 18 months when the narc came along (I had been really heartbroken from the relationship before, not a narc), then 5-6 weeks with the narc - yes, painful but not significant compared to 4.5 years with the guy before including living together etc. About 5 months after the narc-breakup I was pretty much over him, but then he reappeared and fucked up my mind a little more. HOWEVER, he did NOT hurt me any more in the process because I shut down a lot of emotions just to be cautious. He did fuck with my mind and take me on a roller coaster ride, but it was not nearly as bad as some of what other people on this board have experienced. So it's been roughly a year since the first breakup with the narc... I think it's interesting that you too saw all guys as narcs. I feel my mind is still rotating so much around this subject, maybe I should really take things slowly...
May 3 - 1PM
strongerthanever
strongerthanever's picture

Yes, listen to your gut

A guy that wants to move things quickly has "issues". It could be sociopathic, desperation, needy, can't stand to be alone issues too. Set your boundaries! Tell him you wish to take things slowly and get to know him better without any pressure. If he doesn't respect that, say bye-bye. If a guy isn't willing to respect your speed, then you are not acting the way he wants to you to act, hence not giving him what he wants when he wants it. Childish? Umm...yes! As I was telling a friend last night, stop giving everything up front so fact because then they get bored and they start feeling overwhelmed (like how you are feeling) and will run away. This new guy my friend has been talking to on the phone, and has not met yet, she was reading me his text messages as we were on the phone. she asked me what I thought it meant when he sent a flirty message. I told her that he is looking to see if you are going to be naughty with him while texting. She doesn't know this guy. What IF there is someone else and what IF she finds these naughty text messages? You have to spend the time to really know someone. She thinks he has character just because he asked a guy her other friend was out with if he was ok with them dancing. This is manners, not character. We women think opening doors, saying please and thank you, talking to strangers, being polite to the waitress is character. It is manners. Character is how ethical a person is and their moral standing. There's more to it than good manners. Keep your eye open. If you need to, make a list of the good and bad qualities you are seeing. Once one gets longer than the other, you have your answer. And do not make excuses either for him. If he apologizes because he flew off the handle since he had a bad day at work (coming home kicking the cat...or you) is not excusable.
May 21 - 4AM (Reply to #5)
Alisa
Alisa's picture

"A guy that wants to move

"A guy that wants to move things quickly has "issues". It could be sociopathic, desperation, needy, can't stand to be alone issues too." Uhm.... yes. Don't want to go off-topic here but this guy seems to have major issues. He's probably not a narc but definitely has some other serious problems as far as I can tell (and he's admitted he has "issues") After one really nice and long "date" mostly as friends a few weeks ago(OK, we had known each other before and dated for a while about 10 years ago but hadn't seen each other for about 9 years), we decided to see each other again this weekend (about 4 weeks after we had met. We live in two different cities and have both busy lives). For the past few weeks we mostly emailed and sent each other texts how we were both looking forward to this weekend. Texts got flirty and I felt things were moving too fast - considering we had only seen each other once. Well, this morning he canceled his visit (not that surprised). Saying he wasn't feeling well (which is probably even true) but then adding he needed some space and that things had gotten too weird basically (he blamed himself mostly and his "issues"). He wants to stop the texting an emails and we could maybe see each other again in July or August when he was going to be in my area. (we only live 2 hours away!) WTF? Since I have been really allergic to the hot-and-cold-treatment since the narc, these are major red flags for me. I guess this pretty much ended whatever had not even begun. Sucks.
May 3 - 10AM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

"issues" like what? Follow

"issues" like what? Follow your gut! I don't think you need to discuss your last relationship with him period ! This is a new adventure, a clean slate. I think you should always be on alert. Take it slow and see what happens! Hunter
May 3 - 9AM
spinning
spinning's picture

Alisa, honey,

trust your gut. You don't have to spill everything out to someone you really don't know right now. Keep it light. Slow it down if you want. Tell him the truth. That you recently got out of something that really threw you for a loop and you need to keep things slow and easy. Don't set yourself up for a fall and don't self-sabatoge by overthinking everything. Remember that you just experienced something so not normal (with the N) that you are second-guessing everything. Allow your instinct to guide you and LISTEN TO IT! Good luck, braveheart. Just remember to go slow. hugs and love from, spinning (just a little today)

spinning

May 3 - 1PM (Reply to #2)
Alisa
Alisa's picture

"Keep it light. Slow it down

"Keep it light. Slow it down if you want. Tell him the truth. That you recently got out of something that really threw you for a loop and you need to keep things slow and easy." That is pretty much what he already knows. I do tend to overthink though and the last time I just did what my feelings told me I ended up with the narc :( Thanks so much for your advice. A lot of it makes a lot of sense to me right now...