How far will one go for self preservation?

Pretty damned far.

I do not necessarily condone what I'm about to tell y'all, but wanted to share the crazy stuff I've done in order to have these men out of my life for good due to their destructive behavior on both sides and my lack of willpower until absolutely necessary. It takes a lot of pain and humiliation on my part to make me finally wise up. If my hunch is correct, some others may be able to relate.

1. Ex-husband: total control freak. I was very young and naive when we married, and I wanted out of my mom's house very badly. She was also a control freak. With this guy, during the tail end of our 12 year marriage I would curse at, scream at, and yes, even cheated to make him kick me out. I was too afraid to do it on my own. After I cheated and he refused to let me go I ended up walking away a month later. At that point I'd lost all respect for him and myself. There was nothing left...no reason to stay. Every avenue had been exhausted. Thankfully, to this day, I've been indifferent towards him from the moment I left. I shed no tears that day and moved on very quickly.

2. XN: This guy, woah, this guy I was in total love with 100%. First time and only time I've ever been so in love. A few months after moving out because he'd given me the ST for 2 months, I went to his bar. His employee called out so he was tending. I picked up a guy right in front of him and had a one night stand. That sent XN reeling. He let the air out of all my tires, called me a whore when I came back for my car, and then was professing his devotion and love the next week like never before because his ego had just taken a huge blow. We tried to date again, but I could not forget the abuse I endured during the relationship. I ended up calling him out on his behavior and would not let up. I found this site during that time. I ended up calling him a narcissist to his face. He D&Dd me again, then came back with he wanted to always be in my life as a friend...then would totally ignore me. More ST. I texted him angry, vile things to no avail because he'd not respond. Didn't matter. I became the bane of his existance. Finally, when I'd verbally abused him enough, he banned me from the bar and told me to "go away" or get a restraining order. That was what I needed to finally move on. I no longer have access to him and it has helped SO MUCH. Now I am indifferent. Embarrassed, sure, but over him and indifferent. It's a better place to be.

3. Possible N. The dude certainly has N traits, that's for sure, but not nearly as bad as #2. After months of a slow, seemingly normal courtship that blossomed into a bonified relationship, I discovered I was actually being triangulated. I confronted OW and she confirmed my suspicion. When he found out I knew he D&Dd me. For a month I pestered the crap out of him trying to get him to communicate via phone or chat or possibly meet up. He kept coming up with excuses to why he couldn't (that was when he wasn't giving ST) and never did own up to or apologize for his behavior. The last straw was seeing him on Skype. I sent him a simple, "Hi." He stayed on a few more minutes then logged off. That was the last little bit I needed for the reality to sink in that he did not really care, does not care, and never will care.

I'm spilling my beans to you lovely folks to let you know to trust yourselves. You think you're losing your mind doing and saying things you'd never dream possible because of all of the anguish and abuse you've endured. You will protect you as you see fit in order to have that final closure for YOURSELF when the time is right. Do not give up. Do not give up hope.

Oh, and a small disclaimer: if you date a man that says all of his exes are psychos, ditch the mofo pronto. There is a reason for that. ;)