How do you deal with the 'lost' years?

They are only lost years if you want them to be. I felt the same way at one time. But now realize that the 15 years I felt were wasted were MY years. I brought a lot out of those years with me. I refuse to believe a minute of my life is wasted. It is what it is, and somehow, was meant to be. We don't always see how or why, but need to accept it for what it is and always know it could have been worse. Every day you spend above ground, is a good day! Stay strong my friend, and let go of regret. Nothing you can ever do with regret but suffer from it.

Sometimes I feel like I "wasted" thirty years of my life. Other times I look at it as a real learning experience. The one thing I regret losing is the old me, trusting. I view people differently now. When I see the red flags and someone reminds me of him I distance myself from that person (which is a good thing). I thought if I stuck it out to the end he would see the important things in life (which to me was faith, family, a wife that loved him and stood behind him). But I eventually saw that no sane person could possibly stand behind him when some of the things he did were truly despicable. I guess I'm to the point where I see that there are good and evil people and people in between. The truly evil ones are the ones without a conscience. I'm no longer a rescuer, thinking that I can MAKE someone happy or make someone change. They are what they are. I try not to hate them, I try just to hate what they do. I regret not having children with a normal husband. At fifty I can't relive my life. But I also realize that what I've been through has made me stronger. And the person I used to be would have fallen apart right now dealing with two sick aging parents. So maybe the long journey of pain has shaped me into the person I need to be today. I used to see things in either black or white. Now some are black, some are white and plenty are in between. I'm not so quick to judge myself or anyone else's mistakes. Out of every bad experience we can learn something good. Forgive yourself.

One good thing that came from the "lost years" is my renewed appreciation for my kid's dad. I've known him since he was 16. He's a really GOOD guy. He was(still is) friends with my brothers. We were together over 12 years. Our daughters birth devastated him. She was born with severe disabilities. Her struggles literally broke his heart, he became depressed and withdrew. My daughter needed me...we needed him but he couldn't be there the way I needed him to be. Our break up was HORRIBLE. In hind site it was because he still loved me. I was pissed off about the way the break up went for a long time. But the NARC has restored my friendship with the dad. He's remarried and I get a long well with his wife. It's good for the kids..good to be friends again.. I might not have had this going forward had I not met the NARC. The NARC does and says things my X would NEVER think of. I wouldn't have known it or appreciated it before.

I LEARNED so much about myself. I healed so many wounds by discovering I had them. I sometimes think about the time but then I remember I have more of it left. If anything I feel more angry about realizing all the years I was really a single parent and that I missed the joy of parenting my kids with someone who was as into as I am. I am sad for the kids that he was such an asshole to them by ignoring thier very exsistance

I met him at 19 years old and I'm now a few months shy of 30. I, too, feel like he took my very important years of growing and learning myself from me. Fortunately, I feel confident that the best is yet to come. I feel like 10 years of my life just saved me from having to go through this later on in life and I guess I'm grateful for that. I've learned so many lessons and I KNOW I will never go through this again... However, I feel like...being with him that he brought my value down. I don't look, feel, act the same. Being with him made me feel like a brand new LUXURY car...spray painted. Like everyone see whats "supposed" to be under there. The car of dreams. But its really hard to see the real value when the words "&!#$^" , "(&$#@" and "*&%X!#%" are visable on the exterior. However, paint job in progress.

I ponder this question more & more. I did not have a child with my N. I think this makes a difference. I am out of it 2 1/2 years. I have finally started living my own life -- not in reaction to him & trying to get away from him. But now I see how he was just a black hole sucking my life, energy & money. My career stalled because I was just so stressed & focused on him -- I will never be able to recover from the setbacks in my career. And the time lost, 3 years in the relationship & another 2 to get out & divorced. 5 years of my life! Him . . . he was good to go the day I left with a new woman he literally connected with the evening before I moved out. Engaged before our divorce. Sucking money from her as from me. My whole outlook on life has changed. I have been changed. I suppose there were some "nice" experiences BUT they had nothing to do with him really. In fact, he could be a real drag on a trip or any pleasant experience away from home & out of the ordinary. I think this is why No Contact is so important. Why throw good money after bad money? Time once lost can never be recovered. If anybody comes up with a way to get over regrets . . . let me know. The man was just such a disaster & a waste of time/money.

I dont consider them as lost years,I think of them as LEARNING CURVES.... I CANNOT REGRET MY MARRIAGE...I GOT CHILDREN FROM THAT.. I still sometimes think of the negative things in my marriage, but I think I am out now....ITS DONE... I LEARNT SO MUCH ABOUT HUMAN NATURE IN THAT MARRIAGE, AND THE DIFFRENT FACES THAT PEOPLE SHOW..... SO WHEN I DIVORCED HIM...I KNEW I WOULDNT EVER GO INTO ANOTHER R/S OR MARRIAGE... I MET NARC 8YEARS LATER...I TOLD HIM FROM THE START IT WOULD ONLY EVER BE FRIENDSHIP...IT TURNED IN TO A EMOTIONAL ROLLER COASTER, THE SAME AS EXNHS BEHAVIOUR...THE DIFFRENCE BEIGN I COULD WALK OFF AND COME HOME ALONE....SO MY MARRIAGE HAD TAUGHT ME...NOT TO GET PHYSICALLY INVOLVED AND I AM SO GLAD I DIDNT... AFTER HIM, I LOOKED TO MY SELF AND MY DEMONS THAEY MADE ME GET INVOLVED WITH THIS TYPE OF MAN AND ABUSIVE.... I FOUND OUT WHY?...I ADRESSED ALL MY DEMONS, AND NOW I KNOW..I WON'T EVER GET INVOLVED WITH ANYONE AGAIN.... SO FOR ME...REGRETS ARE POINTLESS, COS ITS ALL READY DONE ....BUT WHAT I LEARNT ABOUT MY SELF..... THAT IS PRICELESS!!!YES I GET THE BAD DAYS, BUT EVEN ON A BAD DAY, I WOULDNT WANT TO LIVE EITHER OF THESE MENS LIVES...SHALLOW, PATHALOGICAL LIES..EMPTY MEN..SO I COUNT MY BLESSINGS...THAT I HAVE LIVED, LOVED, FELT PASSION, FELT EVERY EMOTION THERE IS TO FEEL...AND THEY FEEL NOTHING AND NEVER WILL....

I'm gonna make up for those lost years. With lazer sharp focus on MY highest vision for MY life. I will be more selfish in my demand for a life that is unique and authentic to me and my priorities of God, family, then career. No man will ever distract me, bankrupt me, nor compromise me or my values again. I will not love others more or better than they love me. I deserve to be loved extremely well. Because I love others extremely well. From now on I will not except the companionship of people who are envious, unsupportive or saboteurs. Frenimies will be identified and eliminated. My gauge for the health of ALL future relationships will not be how I feel about the person I'm with (because I can and have loved some real assholes) BUT how I feel about MYSELF when I'm with that person. I will never allow any one to force me from being true to myself. I will be RUTHLESS about PROTECTING my heart, my sanity, my peace, my bank account, and my home. I will make up for lost years with a future of high quality relationships I'm gonna be FIERCE!!

I think all of us in the beginning feel compelled to marinate in this thinking. It's completely normal. I not only felt like I wasted my time, but I compromised my integrity, embarrassed my family and generally felt disappointed in myself for making such bad decisions. But, there does come a time when you have to decide that you want to try to make some sense out of a bad situation. I choose to look at my experience as the ultimate lesson. One that I don't wish to learn again, but one that I think has changed me for the better. I'm a more compassionate person for having to go through such pain. I'm a wiser, stronger person for having to rise from the ashes. It's not easy, but I realize that I can choose to be miserable and wish for what could have been....or move forward with what can be as a strong, more confident person. Louise Hay is an incredible resource. She has written a ton of books that focus on the mind's power to overcome negative thinking.

redhead. you are already a better stonger person and you will get a new lease on life. the best thing this monster that stole 10 years from me ever did is leave. sometimes i struggle with the lost years. especially since i was apart from my adult kids. I will make up for those years. they truly cost us everything.

I remember screaming in a fit of rage to a close friend "He took 11 of my best years!!!!!!!!!!!!" I'm now 48. It still hurts...but I have learned & grown. I believe when I am finally healed from this, I will be a better person.

it as people we spend any amount of time with are our teachers, for us to learn about ourselves..........and learn i did even if i stayed too long with ONE teacher!!!

I once thought they were; those years helped me to achieve what I am today, yes loving a path was a waste but what the experience gave me is something I now treasure x0

For me it has been 22 years, are they lost? No, I remember everyone one of them. I have known resentment, anger, felt all my memories with my N were tainted, spoiled, no foundation to support them. I am now trying not to dismiss them. For me they are REAL, regardless of his inabilities to feel and cherish, I had and still have those abilities. What I felt over the years was REAL, not a false love. I did love, I did care, I did cherish. How can I dismiss my daughter, she is part of the memory. She is my constant reminder and I will no longer allow him to sully the good memories. Of course there are some memories shot so full of holes they do not warrent any recall. The acts of kindness or generosity which I now know were not intended to make me happy or feel loved, quite the contrary. These acts made him feel good, generous, great. They may be a tangible memory or just a thought. Set them aside, give them away or strip them of any power they hold over you. I have two pairs of earrings my N bought me, both while travelling. I don't own a lot of fancy jewelry, I admire I don't buy. He insisted on purchasing the pearl earrings. Of course we had an audience of 25 people travelling with us so this very public display made him look really special. The other pair he picked out of a shop window. I was so pleased, felt so secure about us. Everytime I wear them which was often, afterall my man bought them for me, I would get comments about how beautiful they were. I would smile and with no small amount of pride say my husband bought them for me. He would smile as well and accept the many "pats on the back" for being so special, generous, kind, loving. For him a constant source of supply. Brilliant on his part. Since he left just seeing them made me cry, so I hid them away. Wearing them was never going to be an option. That was then. I think you have to re-write some of the memories, re-assign them, as they are not what you thought. I will not give the earrings away or put them in a box. I will wear them as my badge of courage, just one less thing he controls and when someone admires them I will say thanks, I will also smile inwardly knowing I am in control. To dismiss the good is to give him more power. I believe. Twenty two years is a lifetime. I can't hit the delete button. I do, however, have a lifetime yet to live and be happy. YOU DID NOT WASTE THE TIME, WHAT YOU FELT WAS REAL.

I'm 44 yrs old.. Some of it was amazing some of it really sucks.. My guess is not every day of those ten years was miserable.. Life is one big lesson.. Cherish the good and learn from the bad.. Make the next decade great.. Hunter

Hi Midnight7, I am dealing with the same thing..6 years for me, but I feel even more guilty about exposing my son to the verbal abuse and roller coaster since he was four. I will tell you what my councelor tells me, and what has helped me...you don't get to live in the past. You take what you need to learn from the past, bring it with you and live your life NOW. It takes daily self-talk, discipline, to bring yourself to the moment anytime you start going "there" mentally. YOU are a victim of abuse. Continuing to feel the regret and sadness only continues the victimization. YOU are not the same person you were when you met your N, and the N gave you something you really did need then. You are stronger, smarter, wiser and will reclaim your beautiful life one moment at a time. Let yourself grieve, it is essential, but recognize that you are grieving, a very natural and necessary human response to tremendous loss. But then let yourself pull out of it. Don't sit in it. Take a deep breath, listen to the sounds of nature, observe the beauty of the world around you, and put yourself HERE, NOW, mentally. Be good to yourself and hang in there. The pain will fade, and you will feel the REAL love that truly does exist in this world. Peace to you!