How DO N's react to NC?

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#1 Nov 29 - 8PM
Anonymous (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

How DO N's react to NC?

I was crying & begging him on Saturday, texted him "hi" back yesterday but got ST, , had ENOUGH and blocked him today from phone, text, fb... This is a HUGE aberration from the behavior he expects to see, based on my past performance. He always deigned to toss me a bone with a reach or text and I gratefully lunged for it like I was a starving captive finally being fed - every single time for 2.5 years.
Going to a party Saturday night and he was invited too - mutual friend. SO - what can I expect if he shows? Anger? Cold shoulder? Ask me wtf is going on? Deliberate flirting w other girls to hurt me? Curious as to how he's processing this unprecedented change of events from the norm. Want to be prepared- would hate to have him walk up to a crowd I'm with, I say "Hi D" and he blatantly ignores me in front of others. Is he thinking he'll "fix my ass" for giving HIM the ST? Is he outraged? Amused? Vengeful? Dismissive - like, fine, "you want to play games, Ei? You're dead to me?"??? Can anybody offer any insight?

Nov 29 - 10PM
Gravity
Gravity's picture

EiPuff

When you still care about what he thinks/does, you have not fully absorbed what a personality disorder is. His way of thinking is completely delusional and not founded in reality. Anything he does is going to be how he believes he can extract supply from you. If being nice to you will gain him supply, he will be nice. If being a jerk will gain him supply, he will be a jerk. If flirting with other girls will make you angry enough to text him and call him on it, he will flirt with other girls in front of you. My advice, don't attend the party. Think about how you are going to feel after the party if he's there. My guess is, even if he treated you nicely you'd still wonder what he was up to. Going to the party is going to keep you involved with him. Don't be involved with him. Find some good friends to go out with instead. Think of the people in your life that make you feel good and go out with them that night! Think about how much better you'll feel! xxoxox
Nov 29 - 10PM
Susan32
Susan32's picture

His reaction doesn't matter...

Because HE does not matter. He forfeited those privileges because of the way he treated you. If he goes crazy from NC, or enjoys it, doesn't matter. It's YOUR healing through NC that matters. Whether it's at his expense or not. Because he didn't respect you in the relationship, he isn't worthy of the respect or rights that are normally accorded to people in normal, healthy relationships. If he thinks you're the enemy, so what. If he thinks you're the ideal all of a sudden, so what. Put yourself first... put him last, if at all.
Nov 29 - 8PM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

I think catching the flu that

I think catching the flu that night is a great idea.. Is it worth it?? Nope.. Do something else. Hunter
Nov 29 - 8PM (Reply to #18)
EiPuff (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Lol

Hunter, I love your posts - perfect combo of brevity, wit & wisdom!
Nov 29 - 8PM
Sparrow
Sparrow's picture

Graciously decline the

Graciously decline the invitation. Period. Attending that party is the absolute biggest mistake you could ever make right now. You are not ready to do this, and if you think you are, the only one you are fooling is yourself. As tempting as it is to go, and to see if he shows, and how he acts or re-acts to you, it is not in your best interest. Remember, curiosity killed the cat. And it will indeed kill you..........emotionally. You think you hurt now, you have no idea how your pain will magnify after Saturday night. Stay strong, stay NC, and stay away from situations that place you in his path.
Nov 29 - 8PM (Reply to #13)
EiPuff (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Thank you all.

My other gf wants to go to NYC for the night. I'll do that with her instead. I doubt he'll attend that party but why take the chance. Agreed. Thanks for the sanity check.
Nov 29 - 11PM (Reply to #16)
blueworld
blueworld's picture

Eipuff

please dont go to the party you need to go NC and stay 100% NC before he REALLY destroys you you still have a chance to save yourself from what we are going through
Nov 29 - 8PM (Reply to #14)
Sparrow
Sparrow's picture

NYC was an option? Oh my

NYC was an option? Oh my God! That's a no brained! I would take Manhatten any day over a house party! Love the city! Where a bouts are you heading? I hang in SoHo most of the time when I go. This must mean you live in North Jersey?
Nov 29 - 9PM (Reply to #15)
EiPuff (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

:)

Yes, I'm right by the meadowlands. It's my gf's bday & she'd like to go in - not sure where yet. The house party is a big group of fun friends & growing up 10 mins away from NYC, it gets old. Plus, I'm 50 - I'm adorable, but not into clubs or loud bars anymore...if she wants to do a nice dinner, great. If she's making a whole night of it, I'll just drive in separately so I can bail if they want to go to a club.
Nov 29 - 8PM (Reply to #12)
Winter
Winter's picture

I second what Sparrow wrote above

You did so great by blocking him! It is just adding to your pain to go to this party. Not all narcs are the same. Nobody can predict his behaviour. Although, I agree with Sparrow, your state of mind and soul after Saturday party is unfortunately much more predictable. Please, don't let that happen. Love Winter
Nov 29 - 8PM (Reply to #3)
EiPuff (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Thank you

I have another offer. He told me last month that he wasn't going to o to the party. I just wondered if he would now because I started NC and he either wants to destroy me because of it or wants to try to charm me back to being his supply. Should I worry about retaliation? Stalking? Or will he out-punish me w returning ST for NC?
Nov 29 - 8PM (Reply to #4)
Sparrow
Sparrow's picture

Eipuff, believe it or not.

Eipuff, believe it or not. The only way he can not out smart you is by you being true to your commitment to NC. Never, ever, ever believe for a minute that you will have or gain the upper hand with them. It will seem at times, that it is possible. But trust me, you will never win. They won't let you. If they give you a sob story, that makes you believe the ball is in your court.............it's only in your court because THEY put it there in the first place, intentionally. Make no mistake about it, they may be a lot of things, but they are never ever confused. They know exactly what they are doing at all times. Stay strong.
Nov 29 - 8PM (Reply to #5)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

Never confused?

Ns/Ps lack empathy, a normal grasp on their own emotions, since they mimic, I think they're MORE easily baffled than normal people. The ex-Psych would concoct elaborate conspiracy theories about my friends&I reading aloud his lecture, selling it&laughing at him behind his back, when it was NOT happening. He said he had a hard time discerning people's motivations, and I think he was right on that. If you can't put yourself in another person's shoes, you CAN'T know their motivations. He found my behavior after the final D&D increasingly confusing. I congratulate him on being engaged. He screams "PERSONAL BOUNDARY VIOLATION!" I do so anyway, gleefully, don't apologize. The senior skit mocks him. He doesn't get why it's ridiculing HIM... of all people... makes grand exit. He dangles his girlfriend. Instead of getting the long-desired catfight of a woman scorned, I have a nice civilized conversation with her... he runs out. I hug him at graduation. The look in his eyes: pure terror. I promise to give him my contact info when living in town... I never follow through and that housewarming party never happens. I praised his girlfriend;his response was total shock. When Ns/Ps lose control... they DO end up confused. The ex-P EXPECTED a throwdown between his girlfriend and I. Or at least me being weepy, crazy, deranged, angry. When it didn't happen, he didn't know what to do. He had it all carefully planned... he knew exactly what to do... and he did NOT get the desired results. He got the ball in my court... and I sent it flying out. Over his head. Ns/Ps can be sooo predictable that messing with their Grand Plans can be quite fun. I felt like I was doing those Stupid Dog* Tricks. *The ex-P's name is Hebrew for dog.
Nov 30 - 2AM (Reply to #10)
Alissa
Alissa's picture

C***b, right? ;-)

C***b, right? ;-)
Nov 30 - 6AM (Reply to #11)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

Oh, and here's another one...

The ex-P did NOT like being called by his first name. It offended him SO MUCH he'd give the silent treatment to colleagues, his own age, even MALES. He was a jerk towards other men; towards his social equals. Yes, he had the same name as Joshua's sidekick in the Book of Numbers, as well as the bratty little boy in "Sarah, Plain and Tall" (his older sister resents his causing their mother's death in childbirth) When my senior thesis advisor insisted on me calling him by his first name (he'd call me by my first name too), he called the ex-P "different." And this time, "different" didn't mean good... it was also his way of keeping himself from using a cuss word.
Nov 29 - 9PM (Reply to #8)
EiPuff (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

?

You don't seem possessed by him or exhibiting behavior similar to me or the others. It seems most, like me, are struggling to get out of their mental grip and seeing them happy w an OW would make me feel pain beyond belief. You sound like you were over him for quite some time and not hurt at all. How long did it take you to truly not feel pain in his presence?
Nov 29 - 9PM (Reply to #9)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

It takes NC!

I had to do what you did... I WANTED to go to the senior picnic. But I did NOT. This was after the ex-P had flaunted his girlfriend. I was in pain. I had been publicly rejected, in a humiliating way, with tears (MINE) I had never been in such deep mental pain. That's why I AVOIDED the senior picnic... seeing the ex-P and his girlfriend would've caused me pain. That's why I AVOIDED lectures/concerts... I assumed they'd be there, it would cause me pain. In other words, what everyone else is saying here NC. "How long did it to take?"-I had to do a couple of things- 1)Learn about NPD. During the final D&D, my friends diagnosed the ex-P as a Narc. I was in deep mental pain. Crying myself to sleep. 2)Emotional distancing. Once I learned how he fed off my pain and WANTED to see me insane/angry/suicidal... I kept my pain private. My tears were in my dorm room. He didn't see them, nor did I ever tell him about them. My friends were afraid I'd off myself. There were times I cried myself to sleep, hoping that I wouldn't awaken the next morning. I was in that much mental pain. I had to distance myself from him-not just physically, but emotionally. 3)Minimal contact-keep it strictly business (he was my professor) 4)No contact- When I skipped town, I didn't tell anyone. I'd constantly promise to give him contact info when I moved into town-never did. 5)"Fake it till you make it" This was the HARDEST part. Trying to put a smile, or serenity, on emotional pain. On the outside, I was happy about graduating, but inside, I was devastated. I was a hermit when I went back to Oregon after the D&D. I cried when I called my friends, finding out he had gotten married&had kids. It was painful. NC was necessary to save my sanity.
Nov 29 - 9PM (Reply to #6)
Sparrow
Sparrow's picture

Susan, now you know, there is

Susan, now you know, there is NOTHING fun about dealing with a narc! Don't go filling there heads with any thoughts now.........you know how impressionable the new members can be. She's kidding! We can laugh about it now, but there is nothing funny about it when dealing with them initially. Tsk, tsk. Smiles........
Nov 29 - 9PM (Reply to #7)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

It wasn't fun...

I was crying myself to sleep. NOT FUN! I had to follow the same advice as given above: I didn't attend the senior picnic because I did NOT want to see the ex-P&his girlfriend. I wanted to go... but I stopped going there, stopped going to lectures/concerts, FOR MY OWN SAKE. At the time, I wasn't laughing. I remember a friend of mine saying during the final D&D "One day, you'll see Mr. T--- as a cartoon character." I thought THAT was as likely as one of those '60s era sci-fi shows that depicted the 2000s as a time of humans living in space, coexisting with aliens in peace. At the time, it was not funny, and Mr. T-- wasn't a cartoon character. I found the senior skit triggering;I was upset that it was in the script. I was angry at the ex-P. So, when my friend said "one day you'll see him as a cartoon character" I thought it was like one of those bogus endtimes prophecies. I was "yeah right."
Nov 29 - 8PM
Layla
Layla's picture

No Contact is for US.

You need to reach your own point where enough is enough. Only you know how much abuse, lies and bullshit you are willing to put up with. The longer you remain in contact, the longer the pain. Eventually, this "relationSHIT" WILL end, and it always ends bad. So you ask yourself, do I want to go through the pain now, or later? Because one way or another, you WILL need to get rid of him, for your own sanity. Some of us hold on longer than others because we all come from our own sets of issues but the bottom line will be- when will YOU have had enough? NC allows us a safety net, a free-zone away from the madness. It gives us time to start seeing this more clearly, and begin to clear the fog that has taken up all rational thinking. It has nothing to do with the PDI. It's all about US. NC is the key out of the cage these manipulators have placed us in. It is the only proven way to break free once and for all. EVERYONE that has gone before you and is now at peace and at a healthy, stronger place emotionally will ALL tell you the same thing. love~ Layla