Thanks for your view on that Angela, i do think that too but it is just that it is so far from my motivations.
I can see that my dad was a narc and hated happiness....great hey but with my ex he behaved so differently. He never showed signs of being jealous of me having friends or being happy. In fact he seemed to do things that would make me feel happy. Now I think it was a false sense of security and pretense so that when he pulled the plut it would hurt all the more. Plus they do give you what you want so he knew that I would not tolerate jealous behaviour etc.
These daily realisations of everything he said having an alterior motive is getting to me. It just never seems to stop its like being a private detective.
I think it is natural to try and understand what happened. It is a normal reaction to cognitively want to "figure it out". A lot of us spend time and still discuss what happened, what they said etc. It's like after you have the "aha" moment of realizing they could be N- you go through a period of processing that and being a major detective. I think it becomes destructive if one is still actively wanting to be with the N and trying to figure him out so you can "make it work".. For a long time before I knew he was N, I wanted to figure him out so I could keep him being nice to me, like things were at the beginning. These guys do everything right at the beginning - it's after they hook you that the awfulness sets in. We have glimpses of it (red flags) but don't really get it till later.
I think its fine to process - knowledge is power - and the more you are able to see how he was N by learning about it - the more you heal and are not lured in by him. You can escape his "spell' on you. Just try not getting lost in what you think he was thinking and feeling, instead processing what he said and did that shows you his pathology, and how he made you feel. It's all part of the healing.
And I think someone going through a true crisis (i.e. extreme loss etc) can show N traits - but what you are talking about with yours (just coping with life transitions etc) never read to me like a situation that causes a normal person to act pathologically. Also the extreme nature of his actions and behavior has struck me as truly N, not just some N traits.
Not sue if you have posted your story yet - I will go check again. Would be interesting to hear him described more -your guy and your dynamics with him - the lure and the flip. I cant get to every thread here due to time constraints so I may have missed some of this.
I have been teasing out to what degree mine is psychopath versus plain N. Mine seems to mostly act for for admiration (attention in all its forms) not frank exploitation, so I thought he was primarily N. But he has the capacity for brainwashing big time and has a sadistic streak, enjoys watching others squirm and is obsessed with power dynamics, which I am just starting to get clear on so that pushes him in the Psychopath, Malignant N direction. What do you think yours was using you for?
i thought i was imagining it
Detective Healingnow