Hovering Affects

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#1 Dec 11 - 3PM

Sparrow

Hovering Affects

There are some that experience hovering, and some that don't. Members who believe that others are lucky they are being hovered, because that must show that their narcs at least miss them and care about them, couldn't be further from the truth.

There are also some that are experiencing hovering, and find that once this stops, that they are lost all over again. This happen because you are addicted to this act of attention as you were attracted to the illusions he had presented to you to begin with. We find that we will take any attention, good or bad, because we are grasping at straws, holding on as tight as possible, hoping that one day, our narc will have a revelation and all will be right with the world again.

This will never happen. Nothing will ever change, just their tactics and their antics. If they cant get what they want from you one way, they will get it from you eventually another way. This is their mindset, and they will be more determined than ever to suck you back into their world, regaining their source of supply. Be warned, that allowing them to suck you back in, and give it another go, will only result in a harsher D & D the next time around. Each time you go back for more, you come out with less, and less.

So, anyone that admires another because they are being hovered, don't. Being hovered makes your journey 100 times harder to get through. Be thankful your narc is leaving you alone. don't take it personally, that he is not seeking you out, trying to get you back into his good graces. The attention that you believe you receive from hovering, is just a quick fix for your ego and your broken heart. It is not positive attention at all, and it can be detrimental to your healing.

Next time you find yourself envious of another member because they are being hovered, their narc must really love them or miss them and mine didn't, you couldn't be more wrong. Count your blessings that you are not experiencing this tactic. :)

#2 Dec 12 - 7AM

Winter

Thank you Sparrow

I also think that not being hoovered is way better! I agree that the fact that they hoover is absolutely not about their feelings, has nothing to do with them caring about us. The acceptance and total detachement, which is THE ultimate goal, are much faster and easier when we are not hoovered. While we are hoovered the temptetion to believe in their feelings for us is huge and that prevent us from detaching even if we are not responding. Love Winter

#3 Dec 11 - 9PM

uk lady

Mine was the Emperor of the Hoover

He only needed a pinny and the Emperor would have had his new suit of clothes. All down the years with his mixed communications, infidelity, lies, etc, the confrontations/rows, resultant ST, my acceptance it was over and then the hoovering would begin every time. I was in a constant spin of unhappiness and confusion. He just always wanted the door left open so he could come back for more NS when he felt the need. And I let him back in far too many times. I knew nothing about P/Ns and NPD until earlier this year. Finally last April I just thought, enough is enough. This man is wasting no more of my life and is history. I told him in no uncertain terms to get lost and never darken my doorstep again (that is the polite version). Even after that, a sweet little email from him came out of the blue a few months later with the title "Hello You" blah, blah, blah. I didn't respond and so he finally got the message and hasn't hoovered since. He realised that my NS was no more and that I meant business this time round so obviously he has moved onto pastures new. Thank God. My recovery has been so much easier and quicker without the hoovering and I am more thankful than in any way upset because of its absence. NC is the only way to real and true recovery with, or without, the hoover. Amen Sparrow. Dee x

#4 Dec 11 - 6PM

Crazy Train

Amen to that Sparrow!

Amen to that Sparrow! Hugs, CT

#5 Dec 11 - 6PM

ready2receive

yes!

The hardest thing I had to do was to ask xN to "please stop" when he started to try to contact me. I ignored him and tried not to respond, but finally just simply texted "please stop." And he did. Part of me didn't want him to stop for all the sick reasons we all know too well, but it was the best thing for me emotionally to do. Any attention Ns give us is all about them. We matter very, very little. Thanks. xoxox

#6 Dec 11 - 5PM

Journey

Very well said Sparrow! I'm

Very well said Sparrow! I'm one of those that has not experienced romantic hoovering since the break up and yes, for a long time that cold and final discard hurt me, but only until I understood how much better it actually was not to be caught up in the hoovering grasp of manipulation and confusion. Thanks for sharing!

Journey on...

#7 Dec 11 - 5PM

Layla

So true!

For a lot of us Sparrow, we took these azzclowns back so many times before we knew what we were dealing with so they figure if they push the same buttons as before to get back in, it will work...... I took mine back countless times in 8 years....I DIDN'T know what I was dealing with! I bought his bullshit too. And I learned not from reading, not from listening to others etc...I had to learn the hard way they REALLY DO NOT EVER CHANGE! They really, truly don't! Stupid me....took about 5 times to LEARN the lesson! But I eventually learned it! Hahaa! And you are SOOOO right, they get WORSE! AND WORSE! So to others who haven't been hoovered, some of us took them back before more times than we care to admit, oftentimes BEFORE we even knew what PD's were....so these idiots don't leave us alone! Hahaha! With time in NC, they eventually get the message, but they are relentless in their pursuit of easy supply because they are lazy creatures and don't want to groom new supply unless they really have to, OR if it comes "easy to them" to do so and new supply falls into their lap, so to speak. love~ Layla

#8 Dec 11 - 5PM

alicat

I also was recently hoovered!

I also was recently hoovered! It is true! They just come back for supply! Fill ur head with bull crap and when they let u down u get mad and they blame u for not changing! Mine just did that to me! It makes ur mind go crazy again when in reality! They r the crazy ones!

#9 Dec 11 - 3PM

Daisyd

No truer words were said Sparrow.

The first two times he hoovered after the dd I got sucked back because I didn't know what he was. I kept thinking he loves me, he has realized his mistake but nothing was farther from the truth. The third and final dd was the most painful as I caught him in an infidelity and he laughed about it. I have cut off all possible avenues of him recontacting me. Guess what? I sleep better at night, my workouts are productive and positive, I'm joyful again that I'm no longer tense about waiting for the little red light to blink on my blackberry. I have no more indecision about who he is and I am able to move forward. The hoover is NOT about his regret over what happened ladies, all it is is an out and out game of cat and mouse and YOU are the prey he wants to torture. Be thankful all who haven't been hoovered (so far).

#10 Dec 11 - 4PM (Reply to #4)

Sparrow

Hoovered not hovered!

Sorry about the typo or misspelling! My spellcheck is a pain in the you know what and sometimes I don't catch when it makes corrections, or i am just a bad speller! LOL I am glad to hear that you no longer are affected by his hoovering attempts! And that you are sleeping through the nights now and having productive work outs! All very positive! I agree, it is easy to get sucked back in when you don't know what you are dealing with. But when you are aware of the disordered, hovering should be ignored for sure, and not envied at all! Glad you got out! :)

#11 Dec 11 - 3PM

greengirl91

" Each time you go back for

" Each time you go back for more, you come out with less, and less." Trueee, so true. I should read and re-read this every day I feel tempted to brake NC.

#12 Dec 11 - 4PM (Reply to #2)

Sparrow

Greengirl, continue to fight

Greengirl, continue to fight the temptation to break NC until it is no longer a temptation! You know what you are dealing with, and you know you want no parts of him at this point in your life. There is no room for him anymore! :)

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