You're right, hoovering DOES hurt, this is why you go completely NC so he can't whine, cry, beg and plead. It's all empty and he doesn't mean a WORD of it, NOT ONE WORD.
I know how painful that is, but telling you that it's anything different is detrimental to you being NC.
They do the hoovering for many reasons, but nothing altruistic in the slightest.
Try to look at hoovering in this way. He's doing to upset you. He's FILLED WITH GLEE knowing he can get to you and try to get your SYMPATHY with his"groveling". He's probably doing it with a smirk on his face, LOVING that he can do this to you.
Change your number. Don't let him have ANY access to you whatsoever. NONE. Save your empathy for those who are deserving of it, and not a disordered one who could care less and is low on supply or is just doing it for kicks. They LOVE when they harm you!!!
I'm sorry! I was losing it earlier, such pressure!
Thank you for your reply! Your support is really appreciated. The whole forum has provided so much support. I've been reading every day for 3 weeks now.
Hoovering hurts, cause all of the nice lovely things he sais are sweet but you know they're a lie. And it hurts cause it is as if he is haggling with my feelings, with every text or message he is more sweeter and more manipulative. I know hoovering is all about him really. It's just the crying and telling me that it hurts him that I'm killing him is really difficult for me, cause I can't be like him when I need to, I'm an emphat. It's really difficult to stay indifferent for me and the same time I know it's all just pretence from his part. And that hurts. It hurts that he is playing like this. I'm not going to give in and break my set boundaries, no way. Not any more. This whole ordeal with him has been pure hell!
Thank you for your support, I feel stronger now, I guess I just needed to cry out at the time...
I soooooo feel your hurt... Listen to all the great advice, the ladies really know so much about this. I read every day, andcthank god .. Because I think I would have made contact otherwise. Hoover is horrible, after u realise what it is.
Stay strong .. Xx
Hoovering, silent treatment, it's all the same hurt!!
I suggest changing your number, this is not easy, it hurts a lot!
But you must do what's best for you! You can't help him!!
You can get better with NC! As for him it's hopeless, he will stay the same!
There are no winners in Narcville only survivors!
Stay strong
Hunter
Yes, it does hurt. Because no matter how much we want it, we will never be 100% sure about them lying to us.
After I left the narc he was begging me to see him for the last time. Asking me at least to tell him that I hate him. I felt hurt and very sorry for him, but I kept saying to myself: “Winter, you have to choose you and your peace of mind. Even if he is being honest about how he does feel in this very moment, in the long run it will hurts you. And he will not be there to help you. So choose you, take care of yourself and he will take care of himself.” Hope, it helps you little bit.
Love
Winter
Ride the storm out. It gets more tolerable with each day, it does. In the mean time, try and keep yourself busy, make a few changes that benefit you, like joining a gym, taking a spin class, a pottery class (for example) continue to educate yourself on this disorder and try to develop some techniques that help to remind you of how rotten he is and how lucky you are that he is out of your life.
It hurts. No two ways about it, and it's a bad hurt. But this too shall pass.
Stay strong my friend!
I would gladly try to help you. But I am not sure I understand from your post how exactly the hoovering hurts you. Could you please elaborate? What hurts you?
Love
Winter
Maybe it hurts because, everything they say in the Hoover attempt, is all you have been wanting to hear. Then u educate yrself, and learn, that this is a tactic. So you hear beautiful words, you get that rush, u enter fantasy land, but then yr head tells you... This is not real.. Go down the path again, and u know what will follow. They get their fill, and then you r empty once again. And so the cylce commences.
Winter, hope you are travelling well.
HT
I'm sorry! I was losing it
Horse tears
Hoovering, silent treatment,
Oh... Now I know what you mean
Yes, you're right! Thank you
Ride the storm out. It gets
I am sorry you are in pain
Maybe it hurts...