honest views please

Do you think its not normal for a woman to do this when her guy is cheating? I did it. Many other women before you have done it. Remember, we were living under abnormal conditions. This wasnt a healthy happy relationship. We had been reacting to abuse. You wanted proof, although you knew somewhere inside yourself he was no damn good. I would have done the same. They dont tell the truth, so we are left to find the truth ourselves. This is only one way we do it. We need truth. Wasnt this a convenient excuse to call you that name and abandon you. It was all YOUR FAULT! Thats their MO. Not their fault. Always someone elses. Look, if it wasnt this, it would have been something else. Not your fault. Not your fault. Not your fault. Somehow, you have to let this "bunny boiler" name go. Maybe every time you think of it, replace it with something else that is empowering and reflects that you know who and what he is now. HE is the one most likely to boil bunnies, not you. Don't you see that?

Dont Blame yourself.... most relationships would NOT end over the other person checking a cell phone...unless they have something to hide. Mine rarely left his phone around....and then finally once after he wouldnt leave it in the car with me and I got out of his car and walked home.... he would leave it around all the time...he had a blackberry, so got emails thru there too. I think mine was afraid I would get the contact numbers of old girlfriends. My XN went thru my cellphone soooo many times I finally sent myself a text msg so when he looked at the phone again he would read my msg that said 'stop looking at my texts!!" We become hypervigilant with these JERKS!!!! They make us out to be the bad person. Here is another story. Last Dec. XN got a webcam...this was after our first D&D...and him trying to woo me back. A few days after Christmas...he gets off the phone with me and says he will call back...NO call back, which is odd for him. I went online to check emails and there were pics of himself taken with the webcam...with captions that read 'up to no good' hiding my bald spot etc...all him trying to look sexy. I replied...'trying to attract a new woman' I thought your webcam locked up your computer(that is what he told me) He flies into a rage...flips out on me calling me all kinds of names... told me to stop assuming and that was it with us...he did something innocent and sent it to his family and me and now look what I did to him. Well, I blamed myself for that for MONTHS...and then this spring I found out the TRUTH. He sent them to the OW at the time. My gut was right and all his evil he spewed on me the names he called me etc....I didnt deserve any of it. You are not the boiler...you were checking a phone to protect yourself...and he got caught. So, what do they do they turn it all on us...blame shifting. I know how it is to sit there blaming yourself...but it is NOT you. “It's not hard to find the truth. What is hard is not to run away from it once you have found it.”

After 30 years of marriage, and knowledge of at least 1 prior affair, I was very suspicious of my ex N husband, but he was a very smooth practiced liar. He was on the computer until late at night, when I would come down to see why he wasn't in bed (if I woke up at 2 a.m.) he would quickly change the screen or minimize it. Finally, my daughters were even highly suspicious. I was working 50 hours/week because he refused to work or look, and he would say he was going to the grocery store and would return 3 hours later with 1 bag of groceries. So, I bought a computer program and installed it that recorded every chat, every IM, every e-mail, and every web site visited. You have to "own" the computer you put this on, but I did! (even though he used it almost exclusively). Anyway, do I feel guilty for this degree of invasion into his privacy??? Absolutely NOT!! It was the BEST thing I ever did. He had lied, manipulated, and used me for all those years, had me thinking EVERYTHING was my fault, and that I could not do ANYTHING apart from him! What I discovered was extensive sex chats with 5 different women, 2 were local and he was having physical affairs with them as well (and giving them gifts from MY income), as well as seeing prostitutes!!! And, he was buying Visa gift cards at the grocery store (put on a credit card that I paid, and I only thought it was for groceries!) and using these to pay the prostitutes!! Had I not done this, I might still be bouncing back and forth with him and believing his lies. However, with this knowledge comes power, and I feel I have virtually 0% chance of relapse as I REALLY know the truth! I would never have believed this otherwise! And of course, he is on a major smear campaign and has made me to be the "ice princess" wife who never had sex with him or showed him any love...pooooor baby (NOT)!! So anyway, take back your power, do NOT allow him to make YOU feel guilty for wanting the truth, you deserve the truth!!!

because he got sussed. He knew he shouldn't have been doing what he was doing. My ex, told me he'd split up with his last gf as she'd gone through his phone, and spoilt him being friends with the gf before, despite him not telling her he was going for coffees (yes, he is mad). Initially, he said it was because he was just trying to be friends with her, but when I finally went through his emails and realised he was doing similar things to me (e.g juggling women as replacements, sending them pics with his top-off) he told me that he'd been trying to get back with her when the other gf went through his phone. But she'd spoilt it. Do not be embarrassed. And why is it your fault? He's the cheating scum. I can also remember my ex leaving his phone at home by accident one day, I picked up a cushion, saw it and thought "oh, he's left his phone". Put the cushion back. Later, the look of panic on his face was priceless. He was obviously petrified in case I'd gone through it. So I knew. One week later I went through his emails. I have no regrets. Mine didn't bother with me afterwards either, usually he'd have kept up the hoovering, but this time he didn't. You can really see them for what they are very quickly when this happens. Next time, be with someone who you don't want to check their stuff. I have no idea how I'll get there yet.. so staying very single ;)

Oh i'm so angry now about this.......he is the bunny boiler and you are the bunny........or is it the frog in the boiling water syndrome with the heat being turned up gradually until it dies. You are embarrassed............if you want to be embarrassed about anything let it at least be about your choice in men. God these men are evil.

Hi MissM, Well for the first time on here i am seeing a woman blame herself for something really awful that she has done. Well what i mean is that it is not something really awful but it really feels that way as you are going through it. To see it written here i can tell it is totally out of proportion feeling of blame that you have. So you checked his phone cos he was a liar.. so that pressumably makes you the baddy then (sarcasm). So he's the liar and you checked his phone. He made it such a big deal by D&D you that you feel it must be you that is so terrible and wrong otherwise why else would he be taking this so seriously right. So you blame yourself some more. I think they call this blame shifting that they do to us. I had it to..........my exc set it up to leave and then proceeded to do everything around the house and for me, also giving me a warning about the way i treated him. When he left a month or two later he told me he was leaving cos i treated him badly. He timed it so well that i took the blame and looked at myself and my behaviour. Now 8 months later i am starting to see how its done. Thankyou for giving me an example of how they have us believing we are the evil nasty ones. Crap crap crap.

I think with time you'll probably see this differently. Do you think you would have invaded his privacy if he wasn't acting suspiciously? I know I wouldn't have... I don't take it on that I snooped. It gave me so much more resolution to leave.