Holding on to Hurt

I remembered a book by Edna O'Brien in which she writes this: "I suppose you wonder, why I torture myself like this with details of his presence, but I need it. I cannot let go of him now, because if I did, all our happiness and my subsequent pain - I cannot vouch for his - will all have been nothing, and nothing is a dreadful thing to hold onto." The book is called "The love object." I must have read it about 25 years ago. While I was with my N that last sentence came back to me. Isn't it what we are, objects for what they would call love.

I think just the fact that you have made that realization is HUGE in and of itself! The rest of "letting go" will gradually happen as time and NC continue. Keep on doing what you are doing. You are on the right path. xoxo

your post was very insightful. I thought my daughter was struggling with forgiveness and hanging onto the hurt because it would somehow make what he did alright. But this makes sense...hanging onto the hurt keeps her connected. I like the idea of the list - perhaps that would help when "selective memory" begins :/

Your head is there, but your heart will follow in its own sweet time. You cannot force it. Intellectually you know he's a dolt and you want nothing to do with him, but your heart has not let go yet. Time will work her magic eventually. In the meantime, I'm with Hunter. Go after your life. Spoil yourself. Better yourself. Dream. Write. Breathe. Eat. Walk. Hang out with friends. You need to be very proactive in moving on. You cannot force letting go. Here's a trick that helped me. When I started obsessing, pitying myself, fuming about him, or having an internal fit, this is what I would do. I would: 1. Recognize what I was doing. 2. Say to myself, "Okay. Go ahead and throw a fit about _____." 3. Then act like you are an observer and "watch" yourself having the fit (or whatever you want to call it). It defused it for me. Broke the cycle. That way I wasn't telling myself "DON'T obsess" (and then obsessing more), but watching myself like an outsider. It's weird, but it did help. (From Guy Finley's book "The Secret of Letting Go"...a lot of the things he says are wacky, but this part of it helped me break the loop of obsessing.) Best to you, though. We ALL know what you're going through. (((hugs)))

Making a list of all he's done? Fuck it he's an asshole, he hurt you, making that list is just allowing you to hold onto it, not let go of it! Make a list of what you like, what your plans are, a bucket list for you! Get it done! Planning for you is the fun part! It hurts I know, every now and them I too have a hard time, but to move forward I look forward! Take your list and burn it! In fact tell us what your big future plans are! They can be as simple as having a glass if wine and a relaxing bath or as Big as a trip to Paris! I'd love to hear about you!! That loser married that babe for her bucks! Hunter